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Chapter 22 Teaser

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  • Brian
    Hi all, I have a teaser for the next chapter for you.. but I ve been debating whether to post it. Basically, I ve been trying to decide whether I really want
    Message 1 of 8 , Nov 1, 2008
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      Hi all,

      I have a teaser for the next chapter for you.. but I've been debating
      whether to post it.

      Basically, I've been trying to decide whether I really want to lead
      the story off with this or not, especially since it goes on a little
      long for what it is.

      I was originally going to start with a Luna/Emma scene, but I think
      I'll leave that for a litle afterwards. Seems some reviewers are
      getting sick of the trio's soap opera, or the girls manipulation of
      Harry. So, I want to break that up a bit and start developing other
      parts of the story, and other characters. I think we need a
      Dumbles/Snape scene too.

      Anyway, I'm quite ambivalent about this, so let me know what you
      honestly think.

      Cheers,

      Brian

      ~o~

      Thursday 27th June, 1996.

      Ginny sat at the desk in her bedroom, quickly writing a thank you note
      to Harry for the defence book he'd sent her for the DA. Turning in her
      chair, she looked nervously at the phoenix perched on the chair's
      back, and then extended the note towards him carefully. She could have
      sworn the phoenix looked amused as it took the note in its beak. Then,
      with a quick downsweep of his wings, it took flight briefly before
      vanishing in a burst of flames.

      She blinked away the after images of his departure, and then turned
      back to the book on her desk. Picking it up, she idly flicked through
      the pages again, a little more leisurely than she had when the phoenix
      had dropped it off a few minutes earlier. Her fingers and eyes were
      going through the motions, but her mind was paying no attention at all.

      The delivery of the book was just the latest in a series of unusual
      events, and she couldn't help but work them over in her head to see if
      she could solve a few of the riddl-. 'Damn!' she thought as she
      shivered reflexively as her thoughts baulked at the word. It was just
      a word. There was nothing to fear about a word… or a name.

      Riddle himself, though? Well that was something else entirely. There
      was no need to be ashamed of fearing him! Or for hating him. She did
      that as well. He'd tricked her into writing in his diary, pretending
      to be her friend. She'd poured her soul out to him… literally, as it
      turned out, and then he'd tried to kill both her and Harry.

      What was that phrase Hermione had used to describe her rage when
      they'd spoken about what Tom had done to her? 'Hell hath no fury like
      a woman scorned?' Well, she was certainly furious with him. Too bad
      she was more afraid than angry. But wasn't that one of the reasons she
      was in the DA in the first place?

      She sighed as she realised her thoughts had run away with her again.
      What was she thinking about before thoughts of Tom interrupted her.

      She looked down at the book in her hands. 'Of course. Harry.'

      It had started Sunday night when Dumbledore had come around looking
      for Harry with some story about him not arriving at the Dursley's.
      That certainly caused her to panic since she'd seen them all there at
      the station, but strangely Ron had been unconcerned. When she'd
      confronted him about it, all he'd tell her was that Harry was ok, and
      was surprisingly firm about not telling her anything else. Fine time
      for Ron to start keeping secrets!

      Thankfully there was some reassurance from the headmaster the next
      day. Professor McGonagall had Harry somewhere from the sounds of
      things, along with a few others… and Hermione. Well, it was bound to
      happen sooner or later. That was what she'd thought at the time.

      But then Hedwig had turned up without a note later that day2, and just
      started hanging around the burrow. Not all the time, but more often
      than not she could see her on a branch outside her window when she
      looked out.

      But Harry hadn't turned up. She was sure that Hedwig's arrival meant
      that Harry would soon arrive as well. But he hadn't. Why would Hedwig
      be here by herself, without so much as a note to say 'Hey
      Ron/Ginny/Mrs Weasley (or whoever), would you mind watching over
      Hedwig for a couple of days/few weeks/indefinitely…'Since he hadn't,
      she'd got the feeling Hedwig had come herself, but that didn't make
      any sense. Did it?

      So where was Harry? Somewhere Hedwig couldn't go?

      But then there was the news of the will reading. Surely Harry would be
      there, and hoefully there would be a chance to get some answers. She
      knew she owed him a a severe tongue lashing, and probably a hex or two
      as well for making her- them all worry. Obviously it wasn't the right
      time to confront him at the will reading when she'd finally seen him
      and reassured herself that he was ok, but he was going to pay for the
      worry. Sooner or later. Probably…

      But he looked surprisingly fine at the reading. She'd expected him to
      be a complete wreck, but he seemed mostly ok… and what the hell was
      that with Malfoy and his mother? He was related to the Blacks, and
      therefore Draco, Sirius, and Tonks? She hadn't seen that one coming.

      As for Luna… What the hell had happened there? Could it really have
      been so simple to catch Harry? Simply wrap yourself around him every
      chance you got as though he was already yours, and just wait until he
      gives in and accepts it? Damn, that girl was smart! Her mother would
      probably have called her a 'scarlet woman'… but, what she was, was
      smart. She saw what she wanted, and went for it. Why wasn't Luna a
      Gryffindor? Because she was smart enough to go after what she wanted,
      that's why!

      Two days it took her according to Hermione. Two days. How many days
      had she spent dreaming about him? Should she count from meeting him at
      Kings Cross, or when he showed up at the Burrow that first time? Did
      it matter? The answer was 'too many' either way. 'Two stinking days!'

      It had taken a lot of soul searching yesterday, along with a few
      tears, for her to finally realise that her childhood dream of someday
      being Mrs Potter was never going to happen. Harry had never shown any
      interest in her romantically, and he didn't go out of his way to spend
      time with her. She had at least managed to kill of that absurd crush
      and become more of a friend to him over the last year though. While
      she had hoped it might have led to something more in time, clearly
      that was no longer going to happen.

      Luna's attention would, if nothing else, shake Hermione out of her
      complacency. She doubted she could compete against Harry's best friend
      if the girl finally acknowledged her feelings towards him. Somehow her
      dream of simply running up to Harry and snogging him senseless in
      front of everyone until he realised he loved her wasn't quite going to
      work any more – if that could even be called a plan.

      'Wait a minute…' She'd almost missed it. If Harry and Luna got
      together on Monday, then that meant Luna was wherever Harry was.
      Didn't Luna say something about going overseas with her dad to look
      for some creatures… Yes! Of course! Harry and the others had followed
      her overseas which is why Hedwig was hanging around here. Harry
      wouldn't make her fly all that way when there wasn't anyone he could
      send letters to over there.

      She wondered how long it would take the headmaster to work that out as
      well. Then again, if Tonks' reaction was anything to go by, it might
      be best for him if he left them alone. It sounded as though the greasy
      git was going to get what he deserved though.

      She wondered briefly about Susan. Wasn't it just like Harry to worry
      about her? He crtainly had a knack for collecting life debts. Hermione
      in his first year, yours truly in his second, and probably Justin as
      well. After all, didn't he stop the snake from attacking him? He also
      managed to free Dobby. Let's see, there was Sirius, Buckbeak and
      Pettigrew in his third. Was there anyone in his fourth year? What
      about Fleur's sister? Did it count if he thought she was in real
      danger even if she wasn't? Fifth year there was his stupid cousin, and
      of course, dad. Then he went to the Ministry expecting to find Tom
      there torturing Sirius… that one didn't work out, but he wasn't to
      know it was one of Tom's tricks. Which brings us up to Susan. Quite a
      collection of debts, and those were just the ones she remembered.
      Maybe there were others she'd forgotten or hadn't heard about.

      So, while it seemed really romantic at the time to have her very own
      hero slay a giant monster with a sword to save her, in reality it
      seemed there was nothing personal about it. She was just the victim of
      the day for him to save.

      Definitely time to pack the dream away, and work on just being a good
      friend instead.

      Besides, there was an upside to putting the fantasy aside. She was one
      of the very, very few girls that had noticed Neville's transformation
      from a shy, insecure, plant-obsessed, bumbling boy, into a Death Eater-
      fighting, confident, funny, and fairly good-looking guy. He was going
      to get noticed next year, so she'd have to take a leaf out of Luna's
      book and make her move before someone else did. If she was interested
      of course. It was too early to tell, since she'd never really
      considered him before.

      Yes, she'd gone with him to the Yule Ball after he'd asked her, but at
      the time she'd only accepted so that she could attend. It was the only
      way for third years like herself to do so. She winced a little at the
      memory. Neville had been sweet, and he obviously had some interest in
      her to have asked her, but she had been too Harry-obsessed at the time
      to pay him any real attention.

      Luna had shown her that going after what you wanted directly and
      honestly could yield results. So her first step was to work out if she
      even wanted to date Neville, and tht meant spending some time with
      him. The DA was going to be the perfct opportunity to do that.

      She pulled out some parchment and started to write a letter to Neville
      to see if he had any suggestions on how and when they could get the DA
      together over the summer. Glancing out the window, she saw Hedwig in
      the tree again. She was willing to bet she wouldn't have to ask Ron to
      borrow Pig.

      ~o~
    • LadySavay@aol.com
      My reaction, as per your request was that you kind of oversaid it. Ginny s angst filled train of thought stream of conciousness went on for WAY too long. You
      Message 2 of 8 , Nov 1, 2008
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        My reaction, as per your request was that you kind of oversaid it. Ginny's angst filled train of thought stream of conciousness went on for WAY too long. You could have said what you needed in half a paragragh but you beat it into the ground by saying the same thing several different ways. It needs an good edit.
         
        Additionally, I have to admit to being kind of bored by it. Ginny doesn't play a pivotal role in this story and I feel a little cheated that you are distracting your readers with her.
         
        I liked the bit about the life debts and it's nice to know she's moving on with Neville, but you could have told us all of this in half the space and moved back to something of value to the plot, like Dumbledore's reaction to the revelations at the will and his response with Snape, Hermione and Harry finally going one to one or even what Madam Bones thinks now she knows she might have been played by Albus.
         
        Savay



      • mathiasgranger1
        I don t have a problem with the Ginny scene, although you could have been a bit more succinct with it. Giving the readers other context from which to
        Message 3 of 8 , Nov 1, 2008
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          I don't have a problem with the Ginny scene, although you could have
          been a bit more succinct with it. Giving the readers other context
          from which to understand the main characters from is always a good
          thing in my estimation.

          Now, the whole trio sharing Harry business you have at the moment
          does seem to be detracting away from the main thrust of the plot,
          unless that is the main thrust of the plot....

          ~Matt


          --- In Thoughts_of_Pudding@yahoogroups.com, "Brian" <bjdibbins@...>
          wrote:
          >
          > Hi all,
          >
          > I have a teaser for the next chapter for you.. but I've been
          debating
          > whether to post it.
          >
          > Basically, I've been trying to decide whether I really want to lead
          > the story off with this or not, especially since it goes on a
          little
          > long for what it is.
          >
          > I was originally going to start with a Luna/Emma scene, but I think
          > I'll leave that for a litle afterwards. Seems some reviewers are
          > getting sick of the trio's soap opera, or the girls manipulation of
          > Harry. So, I want to break that up a bit and start developing other
          > parts of the story, and other characters. I think we need a
          > Dumbles/Snape scene too.
          >
          > Anyway, I'm quite ambivalent about this, so let me know what you
          > honestly think.
          >
          > Cheers,
          >
          > Brian
          >
          > ~o~
          >
          > Thursday 27th June, 1996.
          >
          > Ginny sat at the desk in her bedroom, quickly writing a thank you
          note
          > to Harry for the defence book he'd sent her for the DA. Turning in
          her
          > chair, she looked nervously at the phoenix perched on the chair's
          > back, and then extended the note towards him carefully. She could
          have
          > sworn the phoenix looked amused as it took the note in its beak.
          Then,
          > with a quick downsweep of his wings, it took flight briefly before
          > vanishing in a burst of flames.
          >
          > She blinked away the after images of his departure, and then turned
          > back to the book on her desk. Picking it up, she idly flicked
          through
          > the pages again, a little more leisurely than she had when the
          phoenix
          > had dropped it off a few minutes earlier. Her fingers and eyes were
          > going through the motions, but her mind was paying no attention at
          all.
          >
          > The delivery of the book was just the latest in a series of unusual
          > events, and she couldn't help but work them over in her head to see
          if
          > she could solve a few of the riddl-. 'Damn!' she thought as she
          > shivered reflexively as her thoughts baulked at the word. It was
          just
          > a word. There was nothing to fear about a word… or a name.
          >
          > Riddle himself, though? Well that was something else entirely.
          There
          > was no need to be ashamed of fearing him! Or for hating him. She
          did
          > that as well. He'd tricked her into writing in his diary,
          pretending
          > to be her friend. She'd poured her soul out to him… literally, as
          it
          > turned out, and then he'd tried to kill both her and Harry.
          >
          > What was that phrase Hermione had used to describe her rage when
          > they'd spoken about what Tom had done to her? 'Hell hath no fury
          like
          > a woman scorned?' Well, she was certainly furious with him. Too bad
          > she was more afraid than angry. But wasn't that one of the reasons
          she
          > was in the DA in the first place?
          >
          > She sighed as she realised her thoughts had run away with her
          again.
          > What was she thinking about before thoughts of Tom interrupted her.
          >
          > She looked down at the book in her hands. 'Of course. Harry.'
          >
          > It had started Sunday night when Dumbledore had come around looking
          > for Harry with some story about him not arriving at the Dursley's.
          > That certainly caused her to panic since she'd seen them all there
          at
          > the station, but strangely Ron had been unconcerned. When she'd
          > confronted him about it, all he'd tell her was that Harry was ok,
          and
          > was surprisingly firm about not telling her anything else. Fine
          time
          > for Ron to start keeping secrets!
          >
          > Thankfully there was some reassurance from the headmaster the next
          > day. Professor McGonagall had Harry somewhere from the sounds of
          > things, along with a few others… and Hermione. Well, it was bound
          to
          > happen sooner or later. That was what she'd thought at the time.
          >
          > But then Hedwig had turned up without a note later that day2, and
          just
          > started hanging around the burrow. Not all the time, but more often
          > than not she could see her on a branch outside her window when she
          > looked out.
          >
          > But Harry hadn't turned up. She was sure that Hedwig's arrival
          meant
          > that Harry would soon arrive as well. But he hadn't. Why would
          Hedwig
          > be here by herself, without so much as a note to say 'Hey
          > Ron/Ginny/Mrs Weasley (or whoever), would you mind watching over
          > Hedwig for a couple of days/few weeks/indefinitely…'Since he
          hadn't,
          > she'd got the feeling Hedwig had come herself, but that didn't make
          > any sense. Did it?
          >
          > So where was Harry? Somewhere Hedwig couldn't go?
          >
          > But then there was the news of the will reading. Surely Harry would
          be
          > there, and hoefully there would be a chance to get some answers.
          She
          > knew she owed him a a severe tongue lashing, and probably a hex or
          two
          > as well for making her- them all worry. Obviously it wasn't the
          right
          > time to confront him at the will reading when she'd finally seen
          him
          > and reassured herself that he was ok, but he was going to pay for
          the
          > worry. Sooner or later. Probably…
          >
          > But he looked surprisingly fine at the reading. She'd expected him
          to
          > be a complete wreck, but he seemed mostly ok… and what the hell was
          > that with Malfoy and his mother? He was related to the Blacks, and
          > therefore Draco, Sirius, and Tonks? She hadn't seen that one coming.
          >
          > As for Luna… What the hell had happened there? Could it really have
          > been so simple to catch Harry? Simply wrap yourself around him
          every
          > chance you got as though he was already yours, and just wait until
          he
          > gives in and accepts it? Damn, that girl was smart! Her mother
          would
          > probably have called her a 'scarlet woman'… but, what she was, was
          > smart. She saw what she wanted, and went for it. Why wasn't Luna a
          > Gryffindor? Because she was smart enough to go after what she
          wanted,
          > that's why!
          >
          > Two days it took her according to Hermione. Two days. How many days
          > had she spent dreaming about him? Should she count from meeting him
          at
          > Kings Cross, or when he showed up at the Burrow that first time?
          Did
          > it matter? The answer was 'too many' either way. 'Two stinking
          days!'
          >
          > It had taken a lot of soul searching yesterday, along with a few
          > tears, for her to finally realise that her childhood dream of
          someday
          > being Mrs Potter was never going to happen. Harry had never shown
          any
          > interest in her romantically, and he didn't go out of his way to
          spend
          > time with her. She had at least managed to kill of that absurd
          crush
          > and become more of a friend to him over the last year though. While
          > she had hoped it might have led to something more in time, clearly
          > that was no longer going to happen.
          >
          > Luna's attention would, if nothing else, shake Hermione out of her
          > complacency. She doubted she could compete against Harry's best
          friend
          > if the girl finally acknowledged her feelings towards him. Somehow
          her
          > dream of simply running up to Harry and snogging him senseless in
          > front of everyone until he realised he loved her wasn't quite going
          to
          > work any more – if that could even be called a plan.
          >
          > 'Wait a minute…' She'd almost missed it. If Harry and Luna got
          > together on Monday, then that meant Luna was wherever Harry was.
          > Didn't Luna say something about going overseas with her dad to look
          > for some creatures… Yes! Of course! Harry and the others had
          followed
          > her overseas which is why Hedwig was hanging around here. Harry
          > wouldn't make her fly all that way when there wasn't anyone he
          could
          > send letters to over there.
          >
          > She wondered how long it would take the headmaster to work that out
          as
          > well. Then again, if Tonks' reaction was anything to go by, it
          might
          > be best for him if he left them alone. It sounded as though the
          greasy
          > git was going to get what he deserved though.
          >
          > She wondered briefly about Susan. Wasn't it just like Harry to
          worry
          > about her? He crtainly had a knack for collecting life debts.
          Hermione
          > in his first year, yours truly in his second, and probably Justin
          as
          > well. After all, didn't he stop the snake from attacking him? He
          also
          > managed to free Dobby. Let's see, there was Sirius, Buckbeak and
          > Pettigrew in his third. Was there anyone in his fourth year? What
          > about Fleur's sister? Did it count if he thought she was in real
          > danger even if she wasn't? Fifth year there was his stupid cousin,
          and
          > of course, dad. Then he went to the Ministry expecting to find Tom
          > there torturing Sirius… that one didn't work out, but he wasn't to
          > know it was one of Tom's tricks. Which brings us up to Susan. Quite
          a
          > collection of debts, and those were just the ones she remembered.
          > Maybe there were others she'd forgotten or hadn't heard about.
          >
          > So, while it seemed really romantic at the time to have her very
          own
          > hero slay a giant monster with a sword to save her, in reality it
          > seemed there was nothing personal about it. She was just the victim
          of
          > the day for him to save.
          >
          > Definitely time to pack the dream away, and work on just being a
          good
          > friend instead.
          >
          > Besides, there was an upside to putting the fantasy aside. She was
          one
          > of the very, very few girls that had noticed Neville's
          transformation
          > from a shy, insecure, plant-obsessed, bumbling boy, into a Death
          Eater-
          > fighting, confident, funny, and fairly good-looking guy. He was
          going
          > to get noticed next year, so she'd have to take a leaf out of
          Luna's
          > book and make her move before someone else did. If she was
          interested
          > of course. It was too early to tell, since she'd never really
          > considered him before.
          >
          > Yes, she'd gone with him to the Yule Ball after he'd asked her, but
          at
          > the time she'd only accepted so that she could attend. It was the
          only
          > way for third years like herself to do so. She winced a little at
          the
          > memory. Neville had been sweet, and he obviously had some interest
          in
          > her to have asked her, but she had been too Harry-obsessed at the
          time
          > to pay him any real attention.
          >
          > Luna had shown her that going after what you wanted directly and
          > honestly could yield results. So her first step was to work out if
          she
          > even wanted to date Neville, and tht meant spending some time with
          > him. The DA was going to be the perfct opportunity to do that.
          >
          > She pulled out some parchment and started to write a letter to
          Neville
          > to see if he had any suggestions on how and when they could get the
          DA
          > together over the summer. Glancing out the window, she saw Hedwig
          in
          > the tree again. She was willing to bet she wouldn't have to ask Ron
          to
          > borrow Pig.
          >
          > ~o~
          >
        • T Lewis
          If you feel the need to explain why Ginny is NOT part of the main story, this seems a pretty final way (short of killing her off)!   T If you feel the need
          Message 4 of 8 , Nov 1, 2008
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            If you feel the need to explain why Ginny is NOT part of the main story, this seems a pretty final way (short of killing her off)!

             
            "T"

          • alan.williams54
            I have to agree, it did seem too long. And for all the same reasons. And I admit I do want to see the Emma/Luna scene. ... Ginny s ... too long. ... it into
            Message 5 of 8 , Nov 1, 2008
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              I have to agree, it did seem too long. And for all the same reasons.
              And I admit I do want to see the Emma/Luna scene.


              --- In Thoughts_of_Pudding@yahoogroups.com, LadySavay@... wrote:
              >
              > My reaction, as per your request was that you kind of oversaid it.
              Ginny's
              > angst filled train of thought stream of conciousness went on for WAY
              too long.
              > You could have said what you needed in half a paragragh but you beat
              it into
              > the ground by saying the same thing several different ways. It
              needs an good
              > edit.
              >
              > Additionally, I have to admit to being kind of bored by it. Ginny
              doesn't
              > play a pivotal role in this story and I feel a little cheated that
              you are
              > distracting your readers with her.
              >
              > I liked the bit about the life debts and it's nice to know she's
              moving on
              > with Neville, but you could have told us all of this in half the
              space and
              > moved back to something of value to the plot, like Dumbledore's
              reaction to the
              > revelations at the will and his response with Snape, Hermione and Harry
              > finally going one to one or even what Madam Bones thinks now she
              knows she might
              > have been played by Albus.
              >
              > Savay
              > **************Plan your next getaway with AOL Travel. Check out
              Today's Hot
              > 5 Travel Deals!
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              (http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100000075x1212416248x1200771803/aol?redir=http://travel.aol.com/discount-travel?ncid=emlcntustrav00000001)
              >
            • Tim Williams
              ... It is a bit long, but I don t think it needs to be cut out entirely.. just some judicious editing.. it is interesting to see and hear what Gin is
              Message 6 of 8 , Nov 1, 2008
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                --- In Thoughts_of_Pudding@yahoogroups.com, "Brian" <bjdibbins@...> wrote:
                >
                > Hi all,
                >
                > I have a teaser for the next chapter for you.. but I've been debating
                > whether to post it.
                >snip<

                It is a bit long, but I don't think it needs to be cut out entirely..
                just some judicious editing.. it is interesting to see and hear what
                Gin is thinking.. and the realization that she doesn't have a chance..
                it will, however be a shock for her when Harry comes back attached to
                two women.. and she should go after The Neville

                if she IS going to be a friend to Harry, she needs to keep her
                realization to herself and not give any clues to APWBD, let the old
                fart figure it out for himself.

                that said, my summary of this teaser:
                a little too internal, needs to be tightened up a bit, but it works
                well for me.
                TimW
              • Brian
                ... Hey everyone, I really want to thank you for your feedbck. It was pretty much what I expected once I realised I had around 1500 words for a side character.
                Message 7 of 8 , Nov 1, 2008
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                  --- In Thoughts_of_Pudding@yahoogroups.com, "Brian" <bjdibbins@...>
                  wrote:
                  >
                  > Anyway, I'm quite ambivalent about this, so let me know what you
                  > honestly think.

                  Hey everyone,

                  I really want to thank you for your feedbck. It was pretty much what
                  I expected once I realised I had around 1500 words for a side
                  character.

                  So now for the tough bit. Almost without exception you all agree
                  that it's too long, but what do you want taken out?

                  *The intro scene up to Fawkes leaving? This isn't really needed, but
                  since I've been advised to add more description to my dialogue-heavy
                  story, this was it.

                  *The getting distracted over 'riddles' scene? Again, not really
                  needed, but I wanted to show her attitude towards him, and also to
                  show that joining the DA wasn't just so she could engage in Harry-
                  watching. Despite her lack of proactivity over Harry, I see her as
                  someone who decided she didn't want to be a victim after the diary
                  events.

                  *The recap over her view of events, starting with Dumbles visit on
                  the Sunday night? (Eg, including Ron keeping secrets.) Again not
                  really needed, but I wanted to keep Ron in the story with something
                  that paints him as other than a prat (though he could have been
                  keeping it from Ginny just to be a prat.) Having her recap lets us
                  know what she's been thinking over the week, but maybe that isn't
                  needed.

                  I did want to show where Hedwig has been though. I also know what's
                  happened to Crookshanks as well, but there hasn't really been an
                  opportunity to cover it. (Minerva suggested that Crooks stay with
                  Arabella and her other Kneazle crosses, and Hermione dropped her off
                  with Minerva before she met up with Harry and Luna.)

                  *The 'where's Harry?' musing? The subsequent realisation? I actually
                  wanted to show that Ginny was quite capable of working out the
                  clues, and that the 'secret' was more at risk with Xeno and Luna's
                  attendance at the reading than they realised. Harry might have
                  wanted Luna there, but she wasn't mentioned in the will itself,
                  which means Harry brought her, therefore it's only a matter of time
                  before others work it out as well. (Dumbles already knows about
                  Luna's involvement from Ron's thoughts of course)

                  *Her thoughts about his condition at the will reading, and being
                  related to the Blacks? This is something else that wasn't really
                  needed, but I thought would fit into her thoughts.

                  * Her thoughts of Luna. Really, how could she not be frustrated with
                  what she achieved. LOL. I can prune that down, but I can see Ginny
                  having many facepalm moments over that.

                  *Wondering about Susan and the life debts? Certainly not necessary,
                  but used to show that Ginny understands that Harry didn't save her
                  due to any special feelings for her.

                  *Her getting over Harry & pursuing Neville?

                  In canon she did end up as Mrs Potter, and while I understand many
                  people dislike her, I'm not one of them. I think that since she's
                  nursed a crush and subsequent unrequited love for Harry that long,
                  there needs to have been some real rethinking going on before she
                  can move on. I'd rather show that she's done that before she starts
                  chasing Nev, since he isn't going to be a throwaway boyfriend the
                  way Dean was in canon.

                  Besides, I want to establish Ginny's character up front, so that
                  people don't get as annoyed as I expect them to be once Ginny starts
                  co-leading the DA for Harry during the holidays.

                  Anyway, that's just some of my thoughts about why that scene ended
                  up longer than it should. Sure, I understand it distracts from
                  the 'main plot', but this is the beginning of the 'having the DA
                  train during summer as well' side-plot, and if it isn't obvious
                  already, it is going to be Ginny and Neville responsible for it.
                  Yep, Ron (as the other Ministry group member) will be helping as
                  well, but without Harry and Hermione to push him, I'm not sure what
                  his focus is going to be like.

                  As for Matt's question regarding the plot. I've thought about that
                  off and on for the last dozen or so chapters. What I've realised
                  myself is that exploring the interactions and relationships between
                  the characters is what the story has been primarily about. Since it
                  is a Harry Potter story, his relationships are the most important
                  (hence his love life is getting top billing at the moment). But I'm
                  trying to avoid having him surrounded by 2 dimensional cardboard
                  cutouts, or, almost as bad; Mary-Sue's & Gary-Stu's.

                  For what it's worth, time will eventually start moving the other
                  way, with time passing during the chapters instead of many chapters
                  covering a single day as currently occurs. However, until things are
                  set into a routine, then we aren't even close to the almost
                  obligatory time passing line yet (eg, 'The following days were spent
                  much as the previous day had been, and over the next few weeks
                  they...')

                  Hope this helps. I know not everyone is going to be happy with the
                  direction my story takes at times... I've already gathered that from
                  some of the recent reviews. That's cool. At least you can be
                  reassured that I won't be adding any 'potionprincess!Ginny' to the
                  mix - I'll leave that to Romilda.

                  Cheers,

                  Brian
                • Vern Trumbly
                  ... Hey Brian, Sorry to come back so late with this. I finally got around to reading the teaser, and think that for the most part it works quite well. However,
                  Message 8 of 8 , Nov 3, 2008
                  • 0 Attachment
                    On Sat, Nov 1, 2008 at 5:23 PM, Brian <bjdibbins@...> wrote:

                    --- In Thoughts_of_Pudding@yahoogroups.com, "Brian" <bjdibbins@...>
                    wrote:
                    >
                    > Anyway, I'm quite ambivalent about this, so let me know what you
                    > honestly think.

                    Hey everyone,

                    I really want to thank you for your feedbck. It was pretty much what
                    I expected once I realised I had around 1500 words for a side
                    character.

                    So now for the tough bit. Almost without exception you all agree
                    that it's too long, but what do you want taken out?


















                    Hey Brian, Sorry to come back so late with this. I finally got around to reading the teaser, and think that for the most part it works quite well. However, as someone pointed out (Tim W?) I think it needs to be tightened up quite a bit. You don't really need to delete any sections, per se, just need to combine and condense some of the parargraphs. There may be some extraneous stuff in there, and that is really for you to decide, but I think you can pare it down by at least 500 words or so and still get all your points across. As you mentioned, part of what you want to accomplish in the story doesn't center around Harry and Co., but rather around getting the DA together. If you have to spend a little time on Ginny and Neville to do that then you should.

                    Frankly your character interactions are at least as good as some folks seem to think mine are, so just keep on doing what you do so well. Using dialog to tell the story is almost always a good way to do it. That is "showing the story through your characters instead of just telling it". And that, my friend, is the only way to write a really successful story.

                    --
                    Vern, aka Herman Tumbleweed

                    A generation which ignores history has no past — and no future. -- Robert Heinlein
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