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An Order To Show Claus

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  • Lawrence
    An Order To Show Claus copyright 1998, 2012 Lawrence N. Rogak Up at the North Pole Twenty-fourth of December Was shaping up well As a night to remember The
    Message 1 of 7 , Dec 19, 2012
      An Order To Show Claus
      copyright 1998, 2012 Lawrence N. Rogak

      Up at the North Pole
      Twenty-fourth of December
      Was shaping up well
      As a night to remember

      The elves were done packing
      And Santa was heading
      His way out the door
      For an awesome night's sledding

      But suddenly from the
      Front door came a knocking
      And Santa, nonplussed, asked
      "Now who could be hocking....?"

      Pulling open the door
      Santa blinked with dismay-face
      At a guy in a suit
      With a brown attache case

      "You Santa?" he growled
      As he searched his valise
      And yanked out some papers
      Like they were diseased

      "What's up?" queried Santa
      Said he: "My name's Bernie
      The reason I'm here,
      I'm a plaintiff's attorney"

      "Attorney! " cried Nick
      With a look of dismay
      "Whatever possessed you
      To come here today?"

      "Santa," he said
      "What would be your reaction
      To hear you've been targeted
      In a class action?"

      "Class action? What's that?"
      Santa cried with alarm
      Said Bernie "When lots of folks
      Claim you did them some harm."

      "What harm?" exclaimed Santa
      "I just give out toys
      To all the world's good
      Little girls and li'l boys!"

      "That's part of the problem,"
      Said Bernie, "You should
      Not be so judgmental
      About 'bad' and 'good.' "

      "Behavior's subjective,"
      Went Bernie's oration
      "You engage in a pattern of

      "Who are your clients?"
      Asked Santa, displeased.
      Bernie said, "All the world's
      Little bad S.O.B.'s."

      "Bad kids don't get presents!"
      Said Santa, distressin'
      "Without punishment
      How would they learn a lesson?"

      But Bernie guffawed
      And he shook his bald head
      "Get with the times, Santa!
      That thinking is dead!"

      "Screw you and your lawsuit!"
      Said Santa, "I'm going!
      The good kids are waiting!
      I'm off like a Boeing!"

      Bernie cried, "Hold it Santa!
      Don't head for the border!
      I got here a temp'rary
      Restraining order!"

      "This order is signed by
      A Federal judge,
      Until there's a hearing
      Those reindeer don't budge!"

      So Santa sat down
      Contemplating the shocking
      Idea that no presents
      Would grace each kid's stocking

      "And one more thing, Santa,"
      Said Bernie, bemused
      "You discriminate 'gainst
      Hindus, Muslims and Jews."

      "And the kids in apartments
      Who don't have a chimney
      How do you explain that?"
      Asked Bernie, more grimly.

      "Let's face it, Santa:
      Your ways are in error
      This lawsuit will bring down
      Your long reign of terror."

      Moaned Santa, now sadly,
      "But who stands to profit
      If you win your lawsuit
      And I have to stop it?"

      "Class actions are great!
      The lawyers make millions!"
      Gushed Bernie, "The settlements
      Run into zillions!"

      "But what of the kids?"
      Santa asked, putting soup on
      Bernie said, "They'll each get
      A fifty-cent coupon."

      Bernie lit a cigar
      In his smug self-assurance
      "Oh by the way, Nick --
      You got any insurance?"

      Santa glared at the summons
      Then called in the elves
      And sighed, "Unpack the sled
      Put the toys on the shelves."

      Bernie closed up his briefcase
      And thought of his fee
      And his name in the news
      All that publicity!

      "Gonna drink some champagne
      And party of course!
      I'll be bigger news than
      Kim and Kris's divorce!"

      As he left Santa's cottage
      Bernie trudged through the snow
      Santa's reindeer were seething
      Adrenaline flowed

      A cold wind was howling
      A thick snow was blowing
      And Bernie The Lawyer
      Didn't watch where he's going

      Then the reindeer just bolted
      On Dancer! On Vixen!
      There's a smart-ass attorney
      Whose hash needs a-fixin'!

      They bore down on Bernie
      So smug and insidious
      His daydreams had made him
      Completely oblivious

      Rudolph hit Bernie first
      Knocked him down with an "Ooof!"
      Then onto his head went
      Each reindeer's great hoof!

      "Say, did we hit something?"
      Donner asked with a grin
      "Back up the rig, Rudy
      And hit him again!"

      Now Bernie lay bleeding
      All broken and tattered
      His discs herniated
      And both ankles shattered

      As the reindeer went trotting
      Back to their warm stable
      Old Bernie lay sick, sore
      And lame and disabled

      Winked Comet to Cupid
      "I think that, all told
      Our friend there will meet
      The State's no-fault threshold!"

      Santa ran out to see
      'Bout the noise and the fuss
      Prancer said with a wink,
      "He ran right into us!"

      Bernie wailed, "Help me, Santa!
      Don't leave me to freeze!"
      Santa smiled, "Sure thing, Bernie!
      Just sign this release!"

      "You're quite a mess, Bernie!
      No physical fitness!
      But you're on my turf,
      And you ain't got a witness!"

      His power to bargain
      Was gone. Bernie sighed.
      He signed the release
      And an elf notarized.

      Santa grabbed the release
      "Sorry 'bout your disaster.
      You'll be spending your holidays
      Wrapped up in plaster."

      "As for us," cried out Nick
      "We've a long night ahead.
      C'mon boys! Let's get crackin'
      And re-load that sled!"

      So away Santa flew
      And he said with a smirk
      "I've got way too much game
      To get stopped by some jerk!"

      A happy and safe holiday to all from
      Lawrence N.  Rogak LLC
      3355 Lawson Boulevard
      Oceanside, New York 11572
      516 763 2996
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