Why Santa Can't Get Insurance
- Dear Readers: I wrote this poem which was first published in theNew York Law Journal on 07 January 1994.Larry RogakWHY SANTA CAN'T GET INSURANCEby Larry Rogak(c) 1994, 2011'Tis the season of givingGreeting card line the foyerOf that champion of 'rights'Ye olde Negligence LawyerHe seeks out those injuredAnd burdened with woeWith visions of judgmentsAnd settlement doughIf your body's been brokenOr rendered asunderYou can call him for justiceOn his 800 number'The fault is not yours'Is the word from his pulpitIf you have been hurtSomeone else is the culpritHe will fight for your rightsTo the end of enduranceAgainst each bad guy withAny trace of insuranceWere you careless or heedless?Your conduct's no issueWhat matters is fracturesAnd wounds to soft tissuePeople injured by productsWho ignored directionsElse they'd know that a chain sawDoesn't go in one's rectumFolk who leap without lookingBurglars falling through skylightsParental malpractice!These are some of the highlightsDid a nut ride the railroadWith a tragic conclusion?They should have had foresightEnough to exclude himWhacked your thumb with a hammer?
Diagnosed with a fracture?It's clearly the faultOf the tool's manufactureAnd the blame is not yoursIf you drive from a barAnd a telephone poleJumps in front of your carWe'll just sue Mama BellA deep pocket! We'll bleed 'emAnd who made the pole and the wires?We'll implead 'emAnd wasn't the poleOn a street in the City?File a notice of claimThey've got dough in their kittyDid you flunk an exam?Sue the school and the proctorDid you fail to heal right?Sue the nurse and the doctorAnd the mugger who's shotIn the course of the frayCan win million. What moronSaid crime doesn't pay?Not sure whom to sue?Or for what, or about?What the hell. Sue 'em allAnd let God sort 'em outYou can sue anyoneFor as much as you pleaseThrough the wonder ofLawyers' contingency feesHe'll present your caseAll full of drama and furyIn the hope that he'll play onThe hearts of the juryYour case is a winnerBut he and you feel itBut whatever the verdictHe who lost will appeal itShould you lose, thoughDon't fret 'cause the fact isSome lawyer will help youSue yours for malpracticeCould 'People's Court,' 'L.A. Law'And the like be the sourceOf folks bringing all ofTheir gripes to the courts?Just lying in wait at eachPothole and gurneyIs one of the thousandsOf surplus attorneysDo they help find solutions?Or just stir up problems?And how much of the USA'sGNP are they gobblin'?Will the outcome of all of theseSuits they are pressingBe stagnation? Avoidance ofCourts' second-guessing?Is it justice to winBig awards from the CountyWhen taxpayers' bucksAre the source of the bounty?As the jobs disappear, are weForced to bear witnessThat lawsuits might make itToo dear to do business?In the end, one's thing's sureAnd requires amendmentWin or lose, all the costsFall upon the defendant.Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Happy New Year, everybody!Larry Rogak