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Why Santa Can't Get Insurance

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  • Lawrence
    Dear Readers: I wrote this poem which was first published in theNew York Law Journal on 07 January 1994. Larry Rogak WHY SANTA CAN T GET INSURANCEby Larry
    Message 1 of 2 , Dec 23, 2011
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      Dear Readers:  I wrote this poem which was first published in the
      New York Law Journal on 07 January 1994.  

      Larry Rogak

      (c) 1994, 2011

      'Tis the season of giving
      Greeting card line the foyer
      Of that champion of 'rights'
      Ye olde Negligence Lawyer

      He seeks out those injured
      And burdened with woe
      With visions of judgments
      And settlement dough

      If your body's been broken
      Or rendered asunder
      You can call him for justice
      On his 800 number

      'The fault is not yours'
      Is the word from his pulpit
      If you have been hurt
      Someone else is the culprit

      He will fight for your rights
      To the end of endurance
      Against each bad guy with
      Any trace of insurance

      Were you careless or heedless?
      Your conduct's no issue
      What matters is fractures
      And wounds to soft tissue

      People injured by products
      Who ignored directions
      Else they'd know that a chain saw
      Doesn't go in one's rectum

      Folk who leap without looking
      Burglars falling through skylights
      Parental malpractice!
      These are some of the highlights

      Did a nut ride the railroad
      With a tragic conclusion?
      They should have had foresight
      Enough to exclude him

      Whacked your thumb with a hammer?
      Diagnosed with a fracture?
      It's clearly the fault
      Of the tool's manufacture

      And the blame is not yours
      If you drive from a bar
      And a telephone pole
      Jumps in front of your car

      We'll just sue Mama Bell
      A deep pocket! We'll bleed 'em
      And who made the pole and the wires?
      We'll implead 'em

      And wasn't the pole
      On a street in the City?
      File a notice of claim
      They've got dough in their kitty

      Did you flunk an exam?
      Sue the school and the proctor
      Did you fail to heal right?
      Sue the nurse and the doctor

      And the mugger who's shot
      In the course of the fray
      Can win million.  What moron
      Said crime doesn't pay?

      Not sure whom to sue?
      Or for what, or about?
      What the hell.  Sue 'em all
      And let God sort 'em out

      You can sue anyone
      For as much as you please
      Through the wonder of
      Lawyers' contingency fees

      He'll present your case
      All full of drama and fury
      In the hope that he'll play on
      The hearts of the jury

      Your case is a winner
      But he and you feel it
      But whatever the verdict
      He who lost will appeal it

      Should you lose, though
      Don't fret 'cause the fact is
      Some lawyer will help you
      Sue yours for malpractice

      Could 'People's Court,' 'L.A. Law'
      And the like be the source
      Of folks bringing all of
      Their gripes to the courts?

      Just lying in wait at each
      Pothole and gurney
      Is one of the thousands
      Of surplus attorneys

      Do they help find solutions?
      Or just stir up problems?
      And how much of the USA's
      GNP are they gobblin'?

      Will the outcome of all of these
      Suits they are pressing
      Be stagnation? Avoidance of
      Courts' second-guessing?

      Is it justice to win
      Big awards from the County
      When taxpayers' bucks
      Are the source of the bounty?

      As the jobs disappear, are we
      Forced to bear witness
      That lawsuits might make it
      Too dear to do business?

      In the end, one's thing's sure
      And requires amendment
      Win or lose, all the costs
      Fall upon the defendant.

      Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Happy New Year, everybody!

      Larry Rogak

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