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3021Valentine From a Plaintiff's Attorney

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  • Lawrence
    Feb 13, 2013
      Yes, it's that time of year again, so it's time for me to republish my annual Valentine poem......

      Valentine From A Plaintiff's Attorney
      by Larry Rogak

      I wrote this valentine for plaintiffs' attorneys to send to their sweeties:

      Dearest darling, hear my plea
      This is what you mean to me:
      You're my sidewalk with a crater
      You're my plunging elevator
      You're my fat and heart attacks
      From a diet of Big Macs
      You're my car with failing brakes
      You're my surgeon with the shakes
      You're my subway platform gap
      You're hot coffee in my lap
      You're the black ice on my stairs
      You're my flaming underwear
      You're my keloid-scar-on-face
      You're my no fault threshold case
      You're my lead-ingesting child
      You're my vicious dog run wild
      You're my mold-infested house
      You're my Coke with head of mouse
      You're my boss who grabs a breast
      You're my blatant false arrest
      You're my old and shaky ladder
      Causing roofing men to splatter
      You're my pratfalls, screams and squeals
      From well-placed banana peels
      You're my pilot with poor vision
      You're my nineteen-car collision
      You're my double torn meniscus
      You're my herniated discus
      You're my bar that sells drunks liquor--
      Few things bring on lawsuits quicker
      And you hold up very nicely
      Next to crosswalks slick and icy
      You're uncontrolled acceleration
      Crashing cars around the nation
      You're my cell phone accident
      That will pay my office rent
      You're my broken stoplight, honey--
      Turning pockets green with money
      You're my alley strewn with trash
      Causing falls, producing cash
      You are every kind of woe
      I can wangle into dough
      Like an misdiagnosed tumor
      That I turn into mazuma
      Falling bricks that hurt your head
      And produce a lot of bread
      Like a crippled caballero
      Who can win mucho dinero
      An untimely NF-10
      That produces lots of Yen
      Like an injured little cutie
      Who produces lots of booty
      Like a simple fender bender
      That produces legal tender
      Some call what I do a racket
      My response is, "Kiss my assets."
      People's woes bring me such glee
      You mean all these things to me
      So, my dearest, lest I sue
      Let me hear these words from you:
      "Be my Valentine, by heck
      Mark it settled, cut the check."

      Happy Valentine's Day!
      Larry Rogak
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