Re: SUB: Tanka "Summer..."
- Hi, forgive me for jumping in on Zenbob's comments, but I wanted Bei Yin to
know that I understood completely his image of " sunset's releasing
coolness" because I myself have experienced this but never put it to works
as he has done. Especially, now as autumn approaches, it seems the sun's
leaving does in fact release the coolness. Bei's pivot works perfectly right
on in the very middle of the poem. In addition, the feeling that when the
air is cooler one's body becomes weightless and thus able to fly is for me,
a new expression that I have never met in a tanka and therefore, I am very
impressed with this poem. Thanks so much Bei. Blessed be! \o/ Jane
At 09:41 PM 10/05/1999 EDT, you wrote:
>In a message dated 10/5/99 1:20:11 PM Pacific Daylight Time, bei-yin@...
><< Summer heat's dull weight
> sunset's releasing coolness
> inspiring breeze - ah...
> Back to dreams of flying high
> beyond old odd horizons.
>Interesting. Your meter and cadence are great, but the sunset's releasing
>coolness seems very contrasted to summer. Not a fault, just an interesting
>observation. Also, although the alliteration of the closing line is very
>nice, I am not sure if "Beyond old odd horizons" makes as much sense as
>perhaps you intend. It's the combination of "old" and "odd" that perplex.
>If that was your intent, then it is fine. But if you intended a different
>tone or feeling, perhaps "odd" should be reconsidered.
>Like "old dull" or "old stale" or "old gray."
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