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Re: [Tanka] tuesday

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  • paloma dew
    I really like this one.Debbie michael helsem wrote: Warm steel from used stars, these falling thoughts that tear through revery &
    Message 1 of 32 , May 1, 2003
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      I really like this one.Debbie

      michael helsem <graywyvern2@...> wrote:

      Warm steel from used stars,
      these falling thoughts that tear through
      revery & routine:
      there is no parrying them,
      nor a poem to catch them in.


      =====
      ------------------------------------------------------
      LASSEN SIE UNS ROLLEN.

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    • Louis Osofsky
      robert ~ many thanks for the kind words... when i read your version & mine aloud, my ear hears more drama in the original and, for me, the plain pivot i hear
      Message 32 of 32 , Dec 20, 2006
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        robert ~

        many thanks for the kind words...
        when i read your version & mine aloud,
        my ear hears more drama in the original
        and, for me, the plain pivot "i hear" also adds to the poignancy...
        again, thanks

        ~ louis



        robert wilson <foamfish@...> wrote: I did a little editing, louis, on your tanka here. a nice work. there
        is depth and mystery (yugen), good choshu (tone and rhythm) and the
        pathos that is honesty and truth (makoto).
        it has a surreal sense to it.

        robert wilson

        failing to
        become a poet
        i hear the cries
        of ducks shot in
        a mountain marsh

        On 12/19/06, eastern sparrow <ana_keyan@...> wrote:
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > I would say: striving to become a poet...
        > lovely poems.
        >
        > Louis Osofsky <osofskylouis@...> wrote:
        > Andrew,
        >
        > appreicate your comment.
        > feels like a great distance has been covered since august.
        > thanks for continuing to read my work,
        >
        > ~ louis
        >
        > Andrew Riutta <andrewriutta@...> wrote:
        > --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "louis osofsky" <osofskylouis@...>
        > wrote:
        > >
        > >
        > > .1
        > > failing
        > > to become a poet
        > > i hear
        > > cries of the ducks
        > > shot in a mountain marsh
        > > ___
        > > .2
        > > roller coaster
        > > swerves right & left
        > > our time
        > > moved me there
        > > and you here
        > > ___
        > > .3
        > > seems as if
        > > one moment shared
        > > i found
        > > a turned down page
        > > in the book you borrowed
        > > ___
        > > .4
        > > if i were to ask
        > > just one more question
        > > might it be
        > > "how much time
        > > is left of us?"
        > > ___
        > > .5
        > > you walk
        > > wearily with my shoes
        > > and notice
        > > how slovenly
        > > i trudge through the mud
        > >
        > > ~ louis
        > >
        >
        > Louis,
        >
        > Number one is an absolute winner and I wouldn't change a thing.
        >
        > Andrew
        >
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