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SUB: Tanka "Appearance..."

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  • Bei Yin
    Appearance - trapped view hidden reality s secret sight s foggy layer mist covering heart s focus fades away - beaming sun shine BeiYin 15. 6.99/ 6. 9. 99
    Message 1 of 5 , Oct 1, 1999
      Appearance - trapped view

      hidden reality's secret

      sight's foggy layer

      mist covering heart's focus

      fades away - beaming sun shine

      BeiYin
      15. 6.99/ 6. 9. 99
    • ZEN2WRK@xxx.xxx
      Dear Bei Yin: OK, but this one stomps all over the Tanka Meter... It does not flow with the cadence that it could, although the ideas expressed have merit.
      Message 2 of 5 , Oct 1, 1999
        Dear Bei Yin:

        OK, but this one stomps all over the Tanka Meter...

        It does not flow with the cadence that it could, although the ideas expressed
        have merit. Could you refine this and take
        the bumbs out of it a bit? I'd like to see more on same theme, but more
        intensely compact and closer to traditional form.

        I know, I am a stick in the mud for formal Tanka... :)

        Zenbob
      • Bei Yin
        ... By the way: which are the stumped Tanka Meter ? Anyway I will try: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Trapped in appearance foggy layer
        Message 3 of 5 , Oct 2, 1999
          On Sat, 2 Oct 1999 00:05:52 EDT, in ZEN2WRK@... wrote:

          >> From: ZEN2WRK@...

          >> OK, but this one stomps all over the Tanka Meter...
          >> It does not flow with the cadence that it could, although the ideas expressed
          >> have merit. Could you refine this and take
          >> the bumbs out of it a bit? I'd like to see more on same theme, but more
          >> intensely compact and closer to traditional form.
          >> I know, I am a stick in the mud for formal Tanka... :)

          > Appearance - trapped view
          > hidden reality's secret
          > sight's foggy layer
          > mist covering heart's focus
          > fades away - beaming sun shine
          >
          > BeiYin
          > 15. 6.99/ 6. 9. 99

          By the way: which are the stumped 'Tanka Meter'?
          Anyway I will try:
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          Trapped in appearance
          foggy layer on my eyes
          hides reality's secret
          opening my heart's focus
          mist fades away - sun shine beams.

          BeiYin
          15.6.99/6.9.99/2.10.99

          I tried hard, but there seems to be too many words.
          Too much sense packed into a few lines. You are right,
          still now flow.
          I will try again:
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          Sucked by appearance
          slave of my focused eyes
          realities secret lost
          time passes - my heart opens
          mist fades away - sun shine beams.

          BeiYin
          2.10.99
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          Seems to be better now. Right?
          Normally I write without much thinking, here I had to force
          myself a bit more, a new experience...
          Thanks ZenBob!
          BY
        • Bei Yin
          ... By the way: which are the stumped Tanka Meter ? Anyway I will try: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Trapped in appearance foggy layer
          Message 4 of 5 , Oct 2, 1999
            On Sat, 2 Oct 1999 00:05:52 EDT, in ZEN2WRK@... wrote:

            >> From: ZEN2WRK@...

            >> OK, but this one stomps all over the Tanka Meter...
            >> It does not flow with the cadence that it could, although the ideas expressed
            >> have merit. Could you refine this and take
            >> the bumbs out of it a bit? I'd like to see more on same theme, but more
            >> intensely compact and closer to traditional form.
            >> I know, I am a stick in the mud for formal Tanka... :)

            > Appearance - trapped view
            > hidden reality's secret
            > sight's foggy layer
            > mist covering heart's focus
            > fades away - beaming sun shine
            >
            > BeiYin
            > 15. 6.99/ 6. 9. 99

            By the way: which are the stumped 'Tanka Meter'?
            Anyway I will try:
            - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
            Trapped in appearance
            foggy layer on my eyes
            hides reality's secret
            opening my heart's focus
            mist fades away - sun shine beams.

            BeiYin
            15.6.99/6.9.99/2.10.99

            I tried hard, but there seems to be too many words.
            Too much sense packed into a few lines. You are right,
            still now flow.
            I will try again:
            - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
            Sucked by appearance
            slave of my focused eyes
            realities secret lost
            time passes - my heart opens
            mist fades away - sun shine beams.

            BeiYin
            2.10.99
            - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
            Seems to be better now. Right?
            Normally I write without much thinking, here I had to force
            myself a bit more, a new experience...
            Thanks ZenBob!
            BY
          • ZEN2WRK@xxx.xxx
            In a message dated 10/2/99 1:02:02 AM Pacific Daylight Time, bei-yin@jet.es writes:
            Message 5 of 5 , Oct 2, 1999
              In a message dated 10/2/99 1:02:02 AM Pacific Daylight Time, bei-yin@...
              writes:

              << By the way: which are the stumped 'Tanka Meter'?
              Anyway I will try:
              - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
              Trapped in appearance
              foggy layer on my eyes
              hides reality's secret [this meters out 7 not 5 syllables or
              beats]
              opening my heart's focus
              mist fades away - sun shine beams.

              >>
              Aside from my comment on line 3, this is doing quite well.

              Thanks,

              Zenbob
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