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Re: Minor poem

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  • poetice2001 <the.poet@gte.net>
    Cathy s tanka startled me. Below is one that has been sitting on my desk for ages. For me poetry is the expression and sharing of universal feelings;
    Message 1 of 7 , Mar 1, 2003
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      Cathy's tanka startled me. Below is one that has been sitting on my
      desk for ages. For me poetry is the expression and sharing of
      universal feelings; sometimes, though, the similarity of poems is
      downright creepy!


      this desk
      somewhere under
      all the scraps
      the one i need
      lies buried

      Of course in this one I left much to the imagination and it does not
      express Cathy's hints of relative unimportance....still........

      doris k.


      --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "cathy_munster <catanmu@h...>"
      <catanmu@h...> wrote:
      > I have two different version of this poem
      > Take your pick :)
      >
      >
      >
      > Scraps of white paper
      > scrapes the brown desk.
      > Somewhere,there is a poem.
      > Yet,in this time again
      > it's the minor thing.
      >
      >
      > ***************
      >
      >
      > Scraps of white paper
      > scrapes the brown desk.
      >
      > Somewhere,
      >
      > there is a poem.
      > Yet,in this time again
      > it's the minor thing.
    • cathy_munster <catanmu@hotmail.com>
      ... The ... a ... replaced ... a ... consider ... tanka ... Samurai Maybe the s can come off of scrape.But when I say those lines I hear the s. Maybe it s me
      Message 2 of 7 , Mar 1, 2003
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        --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "samuraiwarrior1998 <Samurai000@a...>"
        <Samurai000@a...> wrote:
        > --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "cathy_munster <catanmu@h...>"
        > <catanmu@h...> wrote:
        > > I have two different version of this poem
        > > Take your pick :)
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > > Scraps of white paper
        > > scrapes the brown desk.
        > > Somewhere,there is a poem.
        > > Yet,in this time again
        > > it's the minor thing.
        > >
        > >
        > > ***************
        > >
        > >
        > > Scraps of white paper
        > > scrapes the brown desk.
        > >
        > > Somewhere,
        > >
        > > there is a poem.
        > > Yet,in this time again
        > > it's the minor thing.
        >
        > Hmmm... Grammatically, scraps scrape without the s at the end.
        The
        > image though, is a bit strange--Can scraps of paper really scrape
        a
        > desk? I might be mistaken, but in order to satisfy the
        > line, "somewhere there is a poem", the word scrape could be
        replaced
        > with "cover", such as "scraps of white paper / cover the brown
        > desk". This covering would also be a place where a poem would be
        > lost or hidden, where you may guess that "somewhere" in there "is
        a
        > poem". This would give your image realism. On a brown desk,
        > somewhere under the cover of a pile of scraps lies a poem. Maybe
        > it's not important enough to look for it? Also, would you
        consider
        > replacing "the" with "a" in the last line as "it's a minor thing",
        > and see how it sounds to you?
        > Personally, I would go with the first verion. It has more of a
        tanka
        > form to it. How does this version sound to you:
        >
        > scraps of white paper
        > cover the brown desk
        > somewhere there is a poem
        > yet in this time again
        > it's the minor thing
        >
        > Also, it's best to leave out commas and periods, capitalization of
        > first letters, etc. What do you think?
        >
        > --= Samurai =--

        Samurai
        Maybe the s can come off of scrape.But when I say those lines I hear
        the s. Maybe it's me again.But those two lines just came to me. They
        are strange but eye catching neverless.I was playing at that the
        words look like,just one is minus an e.And yes the paper can scrapped
        the desk. It can refered to the sound the paper makes or just the
        action.Also on the use on punctuation.I'm lost without. When I use a
        comma I'm hoping the reader just pause for second.I'm trying to get
        them not rush through the poem.And it's visual thing, I think it
        does look a better with captial letters. But then again I do like to
        bend or break the rules if it helps the poem.As for the second one I
        was playing around with the form.I recently read a book on modern
        Japanese tanka. Some of the tankas were broken into mini stanzas.
        Which in my eyes gave more meaning to the poem.Actually I like the
        second better. So that one will go into my notebook
        Cathy
      • cathy_munster <catanmu@hotmail.com>
        ... my ... is ... not ... I m sorry that I startled you.It is weird that we both came up with the same theme. But I also take it,we both have rather messy desk
        Message 3 of 7 , Mar 1, 2003
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          --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "poetice2001 <the.poet@g...>"
          <the.poet@g...> wrote:
          >
          >
          > Cathy's tanka startled me. Below is one that has been sitting on
          my
          > desk for ages. For me poetry is the expression and sharing of
          > universal feelings; sometimes, though, the similarity of poems
          is
          > downright creepy!
          >
          >
          > this desk
          > somewhere under
          > all the scraps
          > the one i need
          > lies buried
          >
          > Of course in this one I left much to the imagination and it does
          not
          > express Cathy's hints of relative unimportance....still........
          >
          > doris k.
          >
          > Doris
          I'm sorry that I startled you.It is weird that we both came up with
          the same theme. But I also take it,we both have rather messy desk at
          times. But I do love your poem and I know the feeling when you can't
          find a poem.
          Cathy
        • samuraiwarrior1998 <Samurai000@aol.com>
          ... ... thing , ... of ... hear ... They ... scrapped ... a ... to ... I ... Cathy, you are absolutely right about the scraping sound. I
          Message 4 of 7 , Mar 1, 2003
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            --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "cathy_munster <catanmu@h...>"
            <catanmu@h...> wrote:
            > --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "samuraiwarrior1998
            <Samurai000@a...>"
            > <Samurai000@a...> wrote:
            > > --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "cathy_munster <catanmu@h...>"
            > > <catanmu@h...> wrote:
            > > > I have two different version of this poem
            > > > Take your pick :)
            > > >
            > > >
            > > >
            > > > Scraps of white paper
            > > > scrapes the brown desk.
            > > > Somewhere,there is a poem.
            > > > Yet,in this time again
            > > > it's the minor thing.
            > > >
            > > >
            > > > ***************
            > > >
            > > >
            > > > Scraps of white paper
            > > > scrapes the brown desk.
            > > >
            > > > Somewhere,
            > > >
            > > > there is a poem.
            > > > Yet,in this time again
            > > > it's the minor thing.
            > >
            > > Hmmm... Grammatically, scraps scrape without the s at the end.
            > The
            > > image though, is a bit strange--Can scraps of paper really scrape
            > a
            > > desk? I might be mistaken, but in order to satisfy the
            > > line, "somewhere there is a poem", the word scrape could be
            > replaced
            > > with "cover", such as "scraps of white paper / cover the brown
            > > desk". This covering would also be a place where a poem would be
            > > lost or hidden, where you may guess that "somewhere" in there "is
            > a
            > > poem". This would give your image realism. On a brown desk,
            > > somewhere under the cover of a pile of scraps lies a poem. Maybe
            > > it's not important enough to look for it? Also, would you
            > consider
            > > replacing "the" with "a" in the last line as "it's a minor
            thing",
            > > and see how it sounds to you?
            > > Personally, I would go with the first verion. It has more of a
            > tanka
            > > form to it. How does this version sound to you:
            > >
            > > scraps of white paper
            > > cover the brown desk
            > > somewhere there is a poem
            > > yet in this time again
            > > it's the minor thing
            > >
            > > Also, it's best to leave out commas and periods, capitalization
            of
            > > first letters, etc. What do you think?
            > >
            > > --= Samurai =--
            >
            > Samurai
            > Maybe the s can come off of scrape.But when I say those lines I
            hear
            > the s. Maybe it's me again.But those two lines just came to me.
            They
            > are strange but eye catching neverless.I was playing at that the
            > words look like,just one is minus an e.And yes the paper can
            scrapped
            > the desk. It can refered to the sound the paper makes or just the
            > action.Also on the use on punctuation.I'm lost without. When I use
            a
            > comma I'm hoping the reader just pause for second.I'm trying to get
            > them not rush through the poem.And it's visual thing, I think it
            > does look a better with captial letters. But then again I do like
            to
            > bend or break the rules if it helps the poem.As for the second one
            I
            > was playing around with the form.I recently read a book on modern
            > Japanese tanka. Some of the tankas were broken into mini stanzas.
            > Which in my eyes gave more meaning to the poem.Actually I like the
            > second better. So that one will go into my notebook
            > Cathy

            Cathy, you are absolutely right about the scraping sound. I didn't
            think of the sound of the scraping! Silly me! You're also right
            about the slightly different form of some tanka. These are done
            somethimes as a visual effect. About the punctuation--a haiku and
            tanka poet once said that punctuation is unnecssary if you arrange
            your words properly. When you arrange your words in a certain way,
            the reader is forced to pause, even without punctuation. This might
            be considered a slightly more advanced technique. Anyway, I do stand
            corrected. The scraps really do scrape :-)

            --= Samurai =--
          • cathy_munster <catanmu@hotmail.com>
            ... the ... use ... get ... like ... one ... modern ... stanzas. ... the ... didn t think of the sound of the scraping! Silly me! You re also right about the
            Message 5 of 7 , Mar 2, 2003
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              > > > --= Samurai =--
              > >
              > > Samurai
              > > Maybe the s can come off of scrape.But when I say those lines I
              > hear
              > > the s. Maybe it's me again.But those two lines just came to me.
              > They
              > > are strange but eye catching neverless.I was playing at that the
              > > words look like,just one is minus an e.And yes the paper can
              > scrapped
              > > the desk. It can refered to the sound the paper makes or just
              the
              > > action.Also on the use on punctuation.I'm lost without. When I
              use
              > a
              > > comma I'm hoping the reader just pause for second.I'm trying to
              get
              > > them not rush through the poem.And it's visual thing, I think it
              > > does look a better with captial letters. But then again I do
              like
              > to
              > > bend or break the rules if it helps the poem.As for the second
              one
              > I
              > > was playing around with the form.I recently read a book on
              modern
              > > Japanese tanka. Some of the tankas were broken into mini
              stanzas.
              > > Which in my eyes gave more meaning to the poem.Actually I like
              the
              > > second better. So that one will go into my notebook
              > > Cathy
              >
              > Cathy, you are absolutely right about the scraping sound. I
              didn't think of the sound of the scraping! Silly me! You're also
              right about the slightly different form of some tanka. These are
              done somethimes as a visual effect. About the punctuation--a haiku
              and tanka poet once said that punctuation is unnecssary if you
              arrange your words properly. When you arrange your words in a
              certain way,the reader is forced to pause, even without punctuation.
              This might be considered a slightly more advanced technique.
              Anyway, I do stand corrected. The scraps really do scrape :-)
              >
              > --= Samurai =--

              No your not silly.As for the punctuation I have tried arranging
              words or lines to show emphaize on them. And I usual land up with a
              6-7 line poem with two stanza. But when I revise the tanka. I keep
              in mind that maybe it's better off as a longer poem. Another words I
              let the poem shape itself.And I have seen a lot of forms in my
              poetry reading.So why not let the punctuation in my tanka be my
              trademark? Who knows I might be breaking new ground in the tanka
              form.:)
              Cathy
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