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Re: tanka:weed

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  • Julie Damerell
    ... Kirsty, I think you ve chosen a good image to convey the sense of being pulled along. Pardon me if I m too bold, but I like it without as and without
    Message 1 of 6 , Jun 1, 2000
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      --- In Tanka@egroups.com, "Kirsty Karkow" <karkow@m...> wrote:
      > overwhelmed
      > as I am
      > the rockbound seaweed
      > succumbing to
      > the rising tide

      Kirsty, I think you've chosen a good image to convey the sense of
      being pulled along. Pardon me if I'm too bold, but I like it without
      "as" and without "the" before rising.

      Julie
    • Debi Bender
      overwhelmed as I am the rockbound seaweed succumbing to the rising tide Kirsty, I think you ve chosen a good image to convey the sense of being pulled along.
      Message 2 of 6 , Jun 1, 2000
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        overwhelmed
        as I am
        the rockbound seaweed
        succumbing to
        the rising tide

        Kirsty, I think you've chosen a good image to convey the sense of
        being pulled along. Pardon me if I'm too bold, but I like it without
        "as" and without "the" before rising.

        Julie

        Kirsty,

        This is good, strong imagery.

        In this one I'd disagree with taking out the article "as". Because you
        have two gerunds (ings) which is the bigger "problem,"
        the easiest change would be relacing "succumbing" with "succumbs."

        Removing "as" would inhibit the fluidity of the words and images and might
        state
        the "likeness" you find in yourself to the rockbound seaweed a little too
        strongly
        for tanka. Perhaps making the "rockbound seaweed" into more of a
        transitional
        pivot by a dash after "am" would work to make a more defined division of
        images.

        Removing the repeated article, "the" before "rising" would work, but might
        sound
        better to the ear by making "tide" plural, should you make the suggested
        change
        to "succumbing." You could try removing one of either "the" articles and see
        which
        one sounds best.

        Put a few grains of sea-salt on my thoughts :^D

        Best,

        Debi
      • Kirsty Karkow
        ... without ... you ... and might ... little too ... division of ... but might ... suggested ... articles and see ... Hey, Debi, thanks for the input. Those
        Message 3 of 6 , Jun 1, 2000
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          --- In Tanka@egroups.com, "Debi Bender" <dmine@m...> wrote:
          >
          >
          > overwhelmed
          > as I am
          > the rockbound seaweed
          > succumbing to
          > the rising tide
          >
          > Kirsty, I think you've chosen a good image to convey the sense of
          > being pulled along. Pardon me if I'm too bold, but I like it
          without
          > "as" and without "the" before rising.
          >
          > Julie
          >
          > Kirsty,
          >
          > This is good, strong imagery.
          >
          > In this one I'd disagree with taking out the article "as". Because
          you
          > have two gerunds (ings) which is the bigger "problem,"
          > the easiest change would be relacing "succumbing" with "succumbs."
          >
          > Removing "as" would inhibit the fluidity of the words and images
          and
          might
          > state
          > the "likeness" you find in yourself to the rockbound seaweed a
          little too
          > strongly
          > for tanka. Perhaps making the "rockbound seaweed" into more of a
          > transitional
          > pivot by a dash after "am" would work to make a more defined
          division of
          > images.
          >
          > Removing the repeated article, "the" before "rising" would work,
          but
          might
          > sound
          > better to the ear by making "tide" plural, should you make the
          suggested
          > change
          > to "succumbing." You could try removing one of either "the"
          articles
          and see
          > which
          > one sounds best.
          >
          > Put a few grains of sea-salt on my thoughts :^D
          >
          > Best,
          >
          > Debi


          Hey, Debi, thanks for the input. Those darned gerunds get me every
          time and I really appreciate you cluing me in. I find it hard to part
          with "as" and "the" for the very reasons you mention but is this
          better?

          overwhelmed
          as I am~
          the rockbound seaweed
          succumbing to
          the inbound tide

          I enjoy your poems as wonder at how easily you seem to produce them.
          Maybe...one day...I too, lived in England.
        • Debi Bender
          ... without ... you ... and might ... little too ... division of ... but might ... suggested ... articles and see ... Hey, Debi, thanks for the input. Those
          Message 4 of 6 , Jun 1, 2000
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            > overwhelmed
            > as I am
            > the rockbound seaweed
            > succumbing to
            > the rising tide
            >
            > Kirsty, I think you've chosen a good image to convey the sense of
            > being pulled along. Pardon me if I'm too bold, but I like it
            without
            > "as" and without "the" before rising.
            >
            > Julie
            >
            > Kirsty,
            >
            > This is good, strong imagery.
            >
            > In this one I'd disagree with taking out the article "as". Because
            you
            > have two gerunds (ings) which is the bigger "problem,"
            > the easiest change would be relacing "succumbing" with "succumbs."
            >
            > Removing "as" would inhibit the fluidity of the words and images
            and
            might
            > state
            > the "likeness" you find in yourself to the rockbound seaweed a
            little too
            > strongly
            > for tanka. Perhaps making the "rockbound seaweed" into more of a
            > transitional
            > pivot by a dash after "am" would work to make a more defined
            division of
            > images.
            >
            > Removing the repeated article, "the" before "rising" would work,
            but
            might
            > sound
            > better to the ear by making "tide" plural, should you make the
            suggested
            > change
            > to "succumbing." You could try removing one of either "the"
            articles
            and see
            > which
            > one sounds best.
            >
            > Put a few grains of sea-salt on my thoughts :^D
            >
            > Best,
            >
            > Debi


            Hey, Debi, thanks for the input. Those darned gerunds get me every
            time and I really appreciate you cluing me in. I find it hard to part
            with "as" and "the" for the very reasons you mention but is this
            better?

            overwhelmed
            as I am~
            the rockbound seaweed
            succumbing to
            the inbound tide

            I enjoy your poems as wonder at how easily you seem to produce them.
            Maybe...one day...I too, lived in England.

            Kirsty,

            "Inbound," because of the word "bound" within it, relates it too much to
            "rockbound" for me - it makes it sound like tide is somehow restricted,
            "bound up". Perhaps changing the phrasing; ex: "succumbing to the rise/of
            high tide," "succumbing/to high tide" or simply with out an adjective:
            "succumbing to the tide." You might play with some different ideas and words
            about what waves/tides/oceans do.

            Thank for the compliment. When I read translated tanka, and some of the
            contemporary tanka such as is on Lynx
            http://www.ahapoetry.com/ahalynx/xv2TAN.html ,my own tanka often pales right
            before my eyes.

            I think it is good to practice haiku along with tanka, and as Jane said,
            sometimes, divide the tanka up to see if it makes two strong haiku. It can't
            be done with all tanka, and there seems to be a lot of ways to write within
            the genre, but it is a good exercise. I sometimes try shifting placement of
            the lines and/or inverting my tanka.

            Best,
            Debi
          • Kirsty Karkow
            ... Because ... part ... much to ... restricted, ... rise/of ... and words ... the ... pales right ... said, ... It can t ... write within ... placement of ...
            Message 5 of 6 , Jun 2, 2000
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              --- In Tanka@egroups.com, "Debi Bender" <dmine@m...> wrote:
              >
              > > overwhelmed
              > > as I am
              > > the rockbound seaweed
              > > succumbing to
              > > the rising tide
              > >
              > > Kirsty, I think you've chosen a good image to convey the sense of
              > > being pulled along. Pardon me if I'm too bold, but I like it
              > without
              > > "as" and without "the" before rising.
              > >
              > > Julie
              > >
              > > Kirsty,
              > >
              > > This is good, strong imagery.
              > >
              > > In this one I'd disagree with taking out the article "as".
              Because
              > you
              > > have two gerunds (ings) which is the bigger "problem,"
              > > the easiest change would be relacing "succumbing" with "succumbs."
              > >
              > > Removing "as" would inhibit the fluidity of the words and images
              > and
              > might
              > > state
              > > the "likeness" you find in yourself to the rockbound seaweed a
              > little too
              > > strongly
              > > for tanka. Perhaps making the "rockbound seaweed" into more of a
              > > transitional
              > > pivot by a dash after "am" would work to make a more defined
              > division of
              > > images.
              > >
              > > Removing the repeated article, "the" before "rising" would work,
              > but
              > might
              > > sound
              > > better to the ear by making "tide" plural, should you make the
              > suggested
              > > change
              > > to "succumbing." You could try removing one of either "the"
              > articles
              > and see
              > > which
              > > one sounds best.
              > >
              > > Put a few grains of sea-salt on my thoughts :^D
              > >
              > > Best,
              > >
              > > Debi
              >
              >
              > Hey, Debi, thanks for the input. Those darned gerunds get me every
              > time and I really appreciate you cluing me in. I find it hard to
              part
              > with "as" and "the" for the very reasons you mention but is this
              > better?
              >
              > overwhelmed
              > as I am~
              > the rockbound seaweed
              > succumbing to
              > the inbound tide
              >
              > I enjoy your poems as wonder at how easily you seem to produce them.
              > Maybe...one day...I too, lived in England.
              >
              > Kirsty,
              >
              > "Inbound," because of the word "bound" within it, relates it too
              much to
              > "rockbound" for me - it makes it sound like tide is somehow
              restricted,
              > "bound up". Perhaps changing the phrasing; ex: "succumbing to the
              rise/of
              > high tide," "succumbing/to high tide" or simply with out an
              adjective:
              > "succumbing to the tide." You might play with some different ideas
              and words
              > about what waves/tides/oceans do.
              >
              > Thank for the compliment. When I read translated tanka, and some of
              the
              > contemporary tanka such as is on Lynx
              > http://www.ahapoetry.com/ahalynx/xv2TAN.html ,my own tanka often
              pales right
              > before my eyes.
              >
              > I think it is good to practice haiku along with tanka, and as Jane
              said,
              > sometimes, divide the tanka up to see if it makes two strong haiku.
              It can't
              > be done with all tanka, and there seems to be a lot of ways to
              write
              within
              > the genre, but it is a good exercise. I sometimes try shifting
              placement of
              > the lines and/or inverting my tanka.
              >
              > Best,
              > Debi

              Good morning! Now that I am more or less awake it is quite obvious
              about the "inbounds". Story of my life, leaping before looking...now,
              if I could master the haiku type "leaping" !! Your original idea of
              changing the verb to "succumbs" is good and valuable. Thank you. I
              also have Jane's collection of tanka "The Wind Five Folded" which is
              full of enviable verse. isn't this trip fun, though?
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