- --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "Dr. Vidur Jyoti" <drvidur@...> wrote:
> winter sunrise-
> under the windowsill
> huddled shadows
> dew shining on dahlia buds
> a rainbow waits to be born
> c&c please
first, you have way to many things going on here. This could
be a series of poems. You have chosen to break the poem after
line one, so lines 2 thru 5, needs to flow, somewhat.
second, you will normally find shadows under the sill, since
most light sources come from above the sill, such as: sunlight,
lamps, etc. So something should have been special about the
shadow, since it caught your attention, and if your head is below,
or even at eye level of the windowsill, how did you notice the
dew on the dahlia buds? See my point.