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  • Dr. Vidur Jyoti
    drifting snowflakes plant silence on the peaks a waterfall descends and a song returns home back to the sea c&c please vidur
    Message 1 of 3 , Nov 1, 2008
      drifting snowflakes
      plant silence on the peaks
      a waterfall descends
      and a song returns home
      back to the sea

      c&c please
      vidur
    • H. Gene Murtha
      ... Okay Doc, Here goes: you have a little to much going on here, so I would focus on one image and then make a turn or shift somewhere after line 1 through
      Message 2 of 3 , Nov 2, 2008
        Dr. Vidur Jyoti wrote:
        >
        > drifting snowflakes
        > plant silence on the peaks
        > a waterfall descends
        > and a song returns home
        > back to the sea
        >
        > c&c please
        > vidur
        >
        Okay Doc,

        Here goes: you have a little to much going on here, so I would
        focus on one image and then make a turn or shift somewhere after
        line 1 through 4. Sometimes you can even pull off an on going
        sentence.

        Line one is nice with: drifting snowflakes, nothing special, but
        this should set the tone.

        Line two: well, I am not sure how snowflakes plant anything let
        alone "silence on a peak." Poetically, "plant," is nice and you
        are showing the read, which is always a good idea regardless of
        genre and/or form of poetry, but within this case, I would reword
        this.

        Line three: a waterfall decends, well, yes, they normally do, but
        there have been cases where water flows uphill, but all in all, this
        really doesn't do anything for the poem or image.

        Line four: and a song returns home. How does it or how did the song
        return home?

        Line five: back to the sea. Well that's all well and good, but why?

        Basically, you want five elements when you write: who, what, where,
        when & why. Within a genre as short as a tanka is, or even a haiku,
        this can be a little tricky, so we learn to imply certain things,
        like the seasons, etc.

        I hope that some of this helps.

        Always,

        Gene
      • Dr.Vidur Jyoti
        Hi GeneThank you very much for the appraisal. Snowflakes drift in total silence before settling on the slopes and peaks which I see as being planted or sowed
        Message 3 of 3 , Nov 3, 2008
          Hi GeneThank you very much for the appraisal.
          Snowflakes drift in total silence before settling on the slopes and peaks
          which I see as being planted or sowed on the hillside. Then when the snow
          melts a waterfall descends which is hardly ever silent. So there is a song
          that sprouts from that silence like a sapling form the seed. All the
          waterfalls, or maybe most of them, eventually end merging with the rivers
          which go and become one with the ocean, This is the home coming of a song
          because the snowflakes actually originated form the oceans when the
          evaporating water became a cloud and then there was a snowfall far away in
          the hills. The vapours originated from the incessant rhythmical song of the
          sea waves, became silent and then the song erupted again. In this water
          cycle there is also a cycle of silence and song and creation and
          annihilation .. the eventuality of the life cycle as such.
          This was my vision or inspiration for the composition under review.
          Thank you once again,
          vidur

          2008/11/3 H. Gene Murtha <gmu9240555@...>

          > Dr. Vidur Jyoti wrote:
          > >
          > > drifting snowflakes
          > > plant silence on the peaks
          > > a waterfall descends
          > > and a song returns home
          > > back to the sea
          > >
          > > c&c please
          > > vidur
          > >
          > Okay Doc,
          >
          > Here goes: you have a little to much going on here, so I would
          > focus on one image and then make a turn or shift somewhere after
          > line 1 through 4. Sometimes you can even pull off an on going
          > sentence.
          >
          > Line one is nice with: drifting snowflakes, nothing special, but
          > this should set the tone.
          >
          > Line two: well, I am not sure how snowflakes plant anything let
          > alone "silence on a peak." Poetically, "plant," is nice and you
          > are showing the read, which is always a good idea regardless of
          > genre and/or form of poetry, but within this case, I would reword
          > this.
          >
          > Line three: a waterfall decends, well, yes, they normally do, but
          > there have been cases where water flows uphill, but all in all, this
          > really doesn't do anything for the poem or image.
          >
          > Line four: and a song returns home. How does it or how did the song
          > return home?
          >
          > Line five: back to the sea. Well that's all well and good, but why?
          >
          > Basically, you want five elements when you write: who, what, where,
          > when & why. Within a genre as short as a tanka is, or even a haiku,
          > this can be a little tricky, so we learn to imply certain things,
          > like the seasons, etc.
          >
          > I hope that some of this helps.
          >
          > Always,
          >
          > Gene
          >
          >
          >



          --
          Vidur Jyoti

          vjyoti@...
          drvidurjyoti@...


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