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Re: [Tanka] at sundown - workshop

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  • Catdanzing@aol.com
    They all work at different levels, Trish. The first one is more sentence-like in its structure and amusing - perhaps kyoka? I am no expert on what is and is
    Message 1 of 4 , Jul 1, 2008
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      They all work at different levels, Trish. The first one is more
      sentence-like in its structure and amusing - perhaps kyoka? I am no expert on what is
      and is not a kyoka but this one is wryly amusing to me. The one thing that it
      does not do is keep the rhythm of the pauses or breathing that I think of as
      essential to tanka. I can't read it as s/l/s/l/l nor can I take a breath at
      the end of lines 3-4.

      The second one has a slight twist to it that might make it kyoka too. Here
      we have a pleasant bucolic feel but with that twist of "hunting them down" A
      tanka with an O Henry ending! The rhythm is retained and the breathing.

      The third one is more traditional. But for some reason I like the first two
      better. Perhaps my own mood as much as the poems since I can't seem to
      pinpoint why.

      If I were going to suggest a change it would be L2 in the third one. I like
      frogs croak out their promise. It is not as slam there it is on the table
      as seeking a mate. It leaves some room for interpretation that leads us into
      all kinds of pathways. What is their promise - oh they are telling frogs of
      the opposite gender of their romantic prowess and calling for a mate....OMG
      Frogs lying! Telling sweet pretty lies in the rising moonlight. Universal
      story...

      With that small change it counterpoints well with the gazing at the stars -
      also a universal. And adds the dimension of not paying attention to the
      sweet silver lies of frogs of whom we must kiss many to find a lying
      prince/ess........a lesson well to learn early. LOL


      Norla




      In a message dated 6/30/2008 5:31:01 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time,
      trishardent@... writes:

      at sundown
      frogs croak out their promise -
      I've run out
      of Chapstick
      I ignore their pleas

      or

      at sundown
      frogs croak out their promise -
      I see yellow lights bob
      as my children
      hunt them down

      or

      at sundown
      frogs croak, seeking a mate
      we sit on the lanai,
      my children and I,
      gazing at stars instead


      Trish

      ------------------------------------

      Yahoo! Groups Links








      **************Gas prices getting you down? Search AOL Autos for
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      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
    • Trish Shields
      Thanks, Norla, for your in-depth critique. I appreciate it. at sundown frogs croak out their promise - yellow lights bob as we take our time hunting each one
      Message 2 of 4 , Jul 1, 2008
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        Thanks, Norla, for your in-depth critique. I appreciate it.

        at sundown
        frogs croak out their promise -
        yellow lights bob
        as we take our time
        hunting each one down

        at sundown
        frogs croak out their promise
        we sit on the lanai
        my children and I
        gazing at stars instead

        Trish



        On 1-Jul-08, at 10:20 AM, Catdanzing@... wrote:

        > They all work at different levels, Trish. The first one is more
        > sentence-like in its structure and amusing - perhaps kyoka? I am no
        > expert on what is
        > and is not a kyoka but this one is wryly amusing to me. The one
        > thing that it
        > does not do is keep the rhythm of the pauses or breathing that I
        > think of as
        > essential to tanka. I can't read it as s/l/s/l/l nor can I take a
        > breath at
        > the end of lines 3-4.
        >
        > The second one has a slight twist to it that might make it kyoka
        > too. Here
        > we have a pleasant bucolic feel but with that twist of "hunting
        > them down" A
        > tanka with an O Henry ending! The rhythm is retained and the
        > breathing.
        >
        > The third one is more traditional. But for some reason I like the
        > first two
        > better. Perhaps my own mood as much as the poems since I can't seem
        > to
        > pinpoint why.
        >
        > If I were going to suggest a change it would be L2 in the third
        > one. I like
        > frogs croak out their promise. It is not as slam there it is on
        > the table
        > as seeking a mate. It leaves some room for interpretation that
        > leads us into
        > all kinds of pathways. What is their promise - oh they are telling
        > frogs of
        > the opposite gender of their romantic prowess and calling for a
        > mate....OMG
        > Frogs lying! Telling sweet pretty lies in the rising moonlight.
        > Universal
        > story...
        >
        > With that small change it counterpoints well with the gazing at the
        > stars -
        > also a universal. And adds the dimension of not paying attention
        > to the
        > sweet silver lies of frogs of whom we must kiss many to find a lying
        > prince/ess........a lesson well to learn early. LOL
        >
        >
        > Norla
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > In a message dated 6/30/2008 5:31:01 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time,
        > trishardent@... writes:
        >
        > at sundown
        > frogs croak out their promise -
        > I've run out
        > of Chapstick
        > I ignore their pleas
        >
        > or
        >
        > at sundown
        > frogs croak out their promise -
        > I see yellow lights bob
        > as my children
        > hunt them down
        >
        > or
        >
        > at sundown
        > frogs croak, seeking a mate
        > we sit on the lanai,
        > my children and I,
        > gazing at stars instead
        >
        >
        > Trish
        >
        > ------------------------------------
        >
        > Yahoo! Groups Links
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > **************Gas prices getting you down? Search AOL Autos for
        > fuel-efficient used cars. (http://autos.aol.com/used?ncid=aolaut00050000000007
        > )
        >
        >
        > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
        >
        >
        > ------------------------------------
        >
        > Yahoo! Groups Links
        >
        >
        >
      • Catdanzing@aol.com
        Excellent . They work. I like them both. Perhaps hunting down the silver tongued little liars is the best solution after all! :-) I like the second one
        Message 3 of 4 , Jul 1, 2008
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          Excellent . They work. I like them both.
          Perhaps hunting down the silver tongued little liars is the best solution
          after all! :-)

          I like the second one better but that is my personal preference.

          Norla




          In a message dated 7/1/2008 3:15:12 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time,
          trishardent@... writes:

          Thanks, Norla, for your in-depth critique. I appreciate it.

          at sundown
          frogs croak out their promise -
          yellow lights bob
          as we take our time
          hunting each one down

          at sundown
          frogs croak out their promise
          we sit on the lanai
          my children and I
          gazing at stars instead

          Trish



          On 1-Jul-08, at 10:20 AM, Catdanzing@... wrote:

          > They all work at different levels, Trish. The first one is more
          > sentence-like in its structure and amusing - perhaps kyoka? I am no
          > expert on what is
          > and is not a kyoka but this one is wryly amusing to me. The one
          > thing that it
          > does not do is keep the rhythm of the pauses or breathing that I
          > think of as
          > essential to tanka. I can't read it as s/l/s/l/l nor can I take a
          > breath at
          > the end of lines 3-4.
          >
          > The second one has a slight twist to it that might make it kyoka
          > too. Here
          > we have a pleasant bucolic feel but with that twist of "hunting
          > them down" A
          > tanka with an O Henry ending! The rhythm is retained and the
          > breathing.
          >
          > The third one is more traditional. But for some reason I like the
          > first two
          > better. Perhaps my own mood as much as the poems since I can't seem
          > to
          > pinpoint why.
          >
          > If I were going to suggest a change it would be L2 in the third
          > one. I like
          > frogs croak out their promise. It is not as slam there it is on
          > the table
          > as seeking a mate. It leaves some room for interpretation that
          > leads us into
          > all kinds of pathways. What is their promise - oh they are telling
          > frogs of
          > the opposite gender of their romantic prowess and calling for a
          > mate....OMG
          > Frogs lying! Telling sweet pretty lies in the rising moonlight.
          > Universal
          > story...
          >
          > With that small change it counterpoints well with the gazing at the
          > stars -
          > also a universal. And adds the dimension of not paying attention
          > to the
          > sweet silver lies of frogs of whom we must kiss many to find a lying
          > prince/ess........a lesson well to learn early. LOL
          >
          >
          > Norla
          >
          >
          >
          >
          > In a message dated 6/30/2008 5:31:01 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time,
          > trishardent@... writes:
          >
          > at sundown
          > frogs croak out their promise -
          > I've run out
          > of Chapstick
          > I ignore their pleas
          >
          > or
          >
          > at sundown
          > frogs croak out their promise -
          > I see yellow lights bob
          > as my children
          > hunt them down
          >
          > or
          >
          > at sundown
          > frogs croak, seeking a mate
          > we sit on the lanai,
          > my children and I,
          > gazing at stars instead
          >
          >
          > Trish
          >
          > ------------------------------------
          >
          > Yahoo! Groups Links
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          > **************Gas prices getting you down? Search AOL Autos for
          > fuel-efficient used cars.
          (http://autos.aol.com/used?ncid=aolaut00050000000007
          > )
          >
          >
          > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
          >
          >
          > ------------------------------------
          >
          > Yahoo! Groups Links
          >
          >
          >


          ------------------------------------

          Yahoo! Groups Links








          **************Gas prices getting you down? Search AOL Autos for
          fuel-efficient used cars. (http://autos.aol.com/used?ncid=aolaut00050000000007)


          [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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