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Re: [Tanka] Re: Our Silence

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  • M. Kei
    Removing unnecessary words leaves a senryu: at dawn we take up our silence let it fill another day Not every short poem is a tanka. ~K~ ... -- Editor, Atlas
    Message 1 of 6 , Jan 25, 2008
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      Removing unnecessary words leaves a senryu:

      at dawn
      we take up our silence
      let it fill another day

      Not every short poem is a tanka.

      ~K~




      On Jan 25, 2008, at 10:25 AM, Ella W. wrote:

      > You are right ... maybe it's superflous ... but, well, you decide.
      > Will it change your message if you take it off? Personally, I
      > think, if you take it off, L3 becomes a better pivot. Maybe ...?
      > Ella
      >
      > talltanka kp321@...
      >
      > at dawn
      > we take up our silence
      > again
      > and let it fill
      > another day
      >
      > Not sure with L4 whether 'and ' needs to be there?
      >
      > Paul CW
      > -------
      >
      > .
      >
      > ---------------------------------
      > Support the World Aids Awareness campaign this month with Yahoo!
      > for Good
      >
      > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
      >
      >
      >

      --

      Editor, Atlas Poetica : A Journal of Poetry of Place in Modern
      English Tanka <AtlasPoetica.com>

      Poet, Heron Sea, Short Poems of the Chesapeake Bay <Lulu.com/firepearls>

      Editor, Fire Pearls : Short Masterpieces of the Human Heart <Lulu.com/
      firepearls>

      Moderator for Kyoka Mad Poems & Tanka Sequences

      "Mere air, these words, but delicious to hear."-- Sappho

      --




      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
    • talltanka
      Interesting thought Kei, although as the writer of the original poem the word again is absolutely necessary. It reinforces the choice to take up our
      Message 2 of 6 , Feb 2 11:03 AM
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        Interesting thought Kei, although as the writer of the original poem
        the word 'again' is absolutely necessary. It reinforces the choice
        to take up 'our silence', let it fill another day. I do wonder also
        if the reader chooses which words they deem necessary and disregard
        the rest just what we might end up with?
        Thanks for making me think this through.
        Best Paul
        -------
        --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "M. Kei" <kujaku@...> wrote:
        >
        > Removing unnecessary words leaves a senryu:
        >
        > at dawn
        > we take up our silence
        > let it fill another day
        >
        > Not every short poem is a tanka.
        >
        > ~K~
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > On Jan 25, 2008, at 10:25 AM, Ella W. wrote:
        >
        > > You are right ... maybe it's superflous ... but, well, you
        decide.
        > > Will it change your message if you take it off? Personally, I
        > > think, if you take it off, L3 becomes a better pivot. Maybe ...?
        > > Ella
        > >
        > > talltanka kp321@...
        > >
        > > at dawn
        > > we take up our silence
        > > again
        > > and let it fill
        > > another day
        > >
        > > Not sure with L4 whether 'and ' needs to be there?
        > >
        > > Paul CW
        > > -------
        > >
        > > .
        > >
        > > ---------------------------------
        > > Support the World Aids Awareness campaign this month with
        Yahoo!
        > > for Good
        > >
        > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
        > >
        > >
        > >
        >
        > --
        >
        > Editor, Atlas Poetica : A Journal of Poetry of Place in Modern
        > English Tanka <AtlasPoetica.com>
        >
        > Poet, Heron Sea, Short Poems of the Chesapeake Bay
        <Lulu.com/firepearls>
        >
        > Editor, Fire Pearls : Short Masterpieces of the Human Heart
        <Lulu.com/
        > firepearls>
        >
        > Moderator for Kyoka Mad Poems & Tanka Sequences
        >
        > "Mere air, these words, but delicious to hear."-- Sappho
        >
        > --
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
        >
      • janet
        Hi, Paul. Honestly, when I read this one the other day, I too wondered why again was in there. To me, again is implied by another. I suppose if you then
        Message 3 of 6 , Feb 2 1:49 PM
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          Hi, Paul. Honestly, when I read this one the other day, I too wondered
          why "again" was in there. To me, again is implied by "another." I
          suppose if you then wanted some more reinforcement, you could tweak
          the first line slightly (e.g., "each dawn"), though I'm not sure that
          is necessary.

          Anyway, my own take as a reader -- just thought I'd briefly chime in.
          "I do wonder also if the reader chooses which words they deem
          necessary" -- I'm sure that does happen.

          janet


          --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "talltanka" <kp321@...> wrote:
          >
          > Interesting thought Kei, although as the writer of the original poem
          > the word 'again' is absolutely necessary. It reinforces the choice
          > to take up 'our silence', let it fill another day. I do wonder also
          > if the reader chooses which words they deem necessary and disregard
          > the rest just what we might end up with?
          > Thanks for making me think this through.
          > Best Paul
          > -------
          > --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "M. Kei" <kujaku@> wrote:
          > >
          > > Removing unnecessary words leaves a senryu:
          > >
          > > at dawn
          > > we take up our silence
          > > let it fill another day
          > >
          > > Not every short poem is a tanka.
          > >
          > > ~K~
          > >
          > >
          > >
          > >
          > > On Jan 25, 2008, at 10:25 AM, Ella W. wrote:
          > >
          > > > You are right ... maybe it's superflous ... but, well, you
          > decide.
          > > > Will it change your message if you take it off? Personally, I
          > > > think, if you take it off, L3 becomes a better pivot. Maybe ...?
          > > > Ella
          > > >
          > > > talltanka kp321@
          > > >
          > > > at dawn
          > > > we take up our silence
          > > > again
          > > > and let it fill
          > > > another day
          > > >
          > > > Not sure with L4 whether 'and ' needs to be there?
          > > >
          > > > Paul CW
          > > > -------
          > > >
          > > > .
          > > >
          > > > ---------------------------------
          > > > Support the World Aids Awareness campaign this month with
          > Yahoo!
          > > > for Good
          > > >
          > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >
          > >
          > > --
          > >
          > > Editor, Atlas Poetica : A Journal of Poetry of Place in Modern
          > > English Tanka <AtlasPoetica.com>
          > >
          > > Poet, Heron Sea, Short Poems of the Chesapeake Bay
          > <Lulu.com/firepearls>
          > >
          > > Editor, Fire Pearls : Short Masterpieces of the Human Heart
          > <Lulu.com/
          > > firepearls>
          > >
          > > Moderator for Kyoka Mad Poems & Tanka Sequences
          > >
          > > "Mere air, these words, but delicious to hear."-- Sappho
          > >
          > > --
          > >
          > >
          > >
          > >
          > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
          > >
          >
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