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Re: cnc pleas

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  • Ella W.
    I love em both, shanna. For the second one, maybe the scent of roses in L1 ... maybe ... what you think best ... Ella shanna shanna@hawaiiantel.net above
    Message 1 of 4 , Sep 1, 2007
      I love 'em both, shanna.
      For the second one, maybe "the scent of roses" in L1 ... maybe ... what you think best ...
      Ella

      shanna shanna@...


      above the clouds
      mist collects...
      out of season
      the scent of roses
      on the mountain

      scent of roses
      knows no season
      stars above the clouds
      the big dipper
      pours a mist

      this doesnt look proper how does it sound

      http://hawaiian-poet-tree.blogspot.com/

      http://www.photoshow.com/watch/RQ9Ec3Kj


      .





      ---------------------------------
      Yahoo! Answers - Get better answers from someone who knows. Tryit now.

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
    • gillena2001
      ... [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
      Message 2 of 4 , Sep 1, 2007
        --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "shanna" <shanna@...> wrote:
        >
        >
        >
        > above the clouds
        > mist collects...
        > out of season
        > the scent of roses
        > on the mountain
        >
        > scent of roses
        > knows no season
        > stars above the clouds
        > the big dipper
        > pours a mist
        >
        > this doesnt look proper how does it sound
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > http://hawaiian-poet-tree.blogspot.com/
        >
        > http://www.photoshow.com/watch/RQ9Ec3Kj
        >
        > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
        >
        >

        > I like the second on better, because for me there is

        > more clarity of thought; in the first one, Line 3

        > can be read to mean-- the mist, as well as the scent of

        > the roses, are a strange happening; but i feel that you

        > instead want to make a contrast between the

        > occurance of the mist and the

        > permanent quality of the scent of a rose;

        > so my suggestion is, edit Line 3 to read something

        > else that would more clearly define your contrast

        > and report the unsual or untimely mist

        >

        > much love

        > gillena





        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
      • ceto11
        ... out of season, subtly suggests the effects of global warming. I like both tanka and think each one says something different. In the second one, the roses
        Message 3 of 4 , Sep 1, 2007
          --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "shanna" <shanna@...> wrote:
          >

          "out of season," subtly suggests the effects of global warming.
          I like both tanka and think each one says something different.

          In the second one, the roses have a more independent schedule--
          one that is determined by its own nature. Because of the way you
          have arranged your lines, I get the sense that the stars somehow
          remind the viewer of the roses--as though the stars are blooming too.

          Cindy
          >
          >
          > above the clouds
          > mist collects...
          > out of season
          > the scent of roses
          > on the mountain
          >
          > scent of roses
          > knows no season
          > stars above the clouds
          > the big dipper
          > pours a mist
          >
          > this doesnt look proper how does it sound
          >
          >
          >
          >
          > http://hawaiian-poet-tree.blogspot.com/
          >
          > http://www.photoshow.com/watch/RQ9Ec3Kj
          >
          > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
          >
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