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Re: [Tanka] Perhaps I smoke

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  • M. Kei
    This is an excellent work, Andrew. I often enjoy your tanka, but this one is quite striking. I suggest tightening L4 to as thunder . The subjunctive tense
    Message 1 of 5 , Aug 1 4:23 AM
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      This is an excellent work, Andrew. I often enjoy your tanka, but this
      one is quite striking.

      I suggest tightening L4 to 'as thunder'. The subjunctive tense isn't
      really needed; you've covered that with 'perhaps.'

      ~K~





      On Aug 1, 2006, at 12:44 AM, Andrew Riutta wrote:

      >
      >
      >
      > Perhaps I smoke
      > to fill my lungs with clouds;
      > to hear my heart
      > as if it were thunder,
      > and no mere clock.
      >
      > Andrew Riutta 08.01.06
      >
      >
      >
      >

      --

      Moderator for Kyoka Mad Poems -- humorous tanka -- <http://
      groups.google.com/group/kyoka>.

      Co-Manager for Tanka Roundtable discussion group <http://
      groups.google.com/group/tankaroundtable>

      Editor of the Chesapeake Bay Saijiki (haiku almanac) project at
      Worldkigo <http://worldkigodatabase.blogspot.com/2005/03/chesapeake-
      bay.html>.

      M. Kei's personal poetry blog, with explanations and examples of
      various forms and traditions: <http://kujakupoet.blogspot.com/>

      "Ignorance is not a virtue."

      --




      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
    • Andrew Riutta
      ... this ... isn t ... Thank you. I like your suggestion, and will give much thought. Andrew ...
      Message 2 of 5 , Aug 1 6:35 AM
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        --- In Tanka@yahoogroups.com, "M. Kei" <kujaku@...> wrote:
        >
        > This is an excellent work, Andrew. I often enjoy your tanka, but
        this
        > one is quite striking.
        >
        > I suggest tightening L4 to 'as thunder'. The subjunctive tense
        isn't
        > really needed; you've covered that with 'perhaps.'
        >
        > ~K~
        >

        Thank you. I like your suggestion, and will give much thought.

        Andrew
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > On Aug 1, 2006, at 12:44 AM, Andrew Riutta wrote:
        >
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > > Perhaps I smoke
        > > to fill my lungs with clouds;
        > > to hear my heart
        > > as if it were thunder,
        > > and no mere clock.
        > >
        > > Andrew Riutta 08.01.06
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > >
        >
        > --
        >
        > Moderator for Kyoka Mad Poems -- humorous tanka -- <http://
        > groups.google.com/group/kyoka>.
        >
        > Co-Manager for Tanka Roundtable discussion group <http://
        > groups.google.com/group/tankaroundtable>
        >
        > Editor of the Chesapeake Bay Saijiki (haiku almanac) project at
        > Worldkigo
        <http://worldkigodatabase.blogspot.com/2005/03/chesapeake-
        > bay.html>.
        >
        > M. Kei's personal poetry blog, with explanations and examples of
        > various forms and traditions: <http://kujakupoet.blogspot.com/>
        >
        > "Ignorance is not a virtue."
        >
        > --
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
        >
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