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winter afternoon

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  • Chameleon
    winter afternoon a curve of rainbow in the oak . . . this solitude so bright in its leaflessness Maria Steyn
    Message 1 of 4 , Jul 2, 2001
      winter afternoon
      a curve of rainbow
      in the oak . . .
      this solitude so bright
      in its leaflessness


      Maria Steyn
    • Ella W.
      sunset clouds remnants of an afternoon in an hourglass sand grains keep shifting beneath our tired feet Ella W. ... ALL-NEW Yahoo! Messenger - all new features
      Message 2 of 4 , Feb 7, 2005
        sunset clouds
        remnants of an afternoon
        in an hourglass
        sand grains keep shifting
        beneath our tired feet


        Ella W.


        ---------------------------------
        ALL-NEW Yahoo! Messenger - all new features - even more fun!

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      • Carole MacRury
        ... From: Ella W. To: Tanka@yahoogroups.com Sent: Monday, February 07, 2005 1:08 PM Subject: [Tanka] winter afternoon sunset clouds remnants of an afternoon in
        Message 3 of 4 , Feb 7, 2005
          ----- Original Message -----
          From: Ella W.
          To: Tanka@yahoogroups.com
          Sent: Monday, February 07, 2005 1:08 PM
          Subject: [Tanka] winter afternoon


          sunset clouds
          remnants of an afternoon
          in an hourglass
          sand grains keep shifting
          beneath our tired feet


          Ella W.


          Hi Ella,

          I'm new to tanka, so take my comments with a grain of salt, please. :-) I had a little problem in reading this... It seems to shift from past to present and feels a bit disjointed to me. Would it make sense to reorder the lines...establish a setting...at the beach at sunset. Then the 'thought' afterward?

          sunset clouds
          sand grains keep shifting
          beneath our tired feet -
          remnants of an afternoon
          in an hourglass

          ? Does this make sense? If not, my apologies for playing with your poem. But I learn from critique too, even if what I offer isn't the best advice I always hope someone else comes along and straightens me out. :-)


          Carole



          [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
        • Ella W.
          sunset clouds remnants of an afternoon in an hourglass sand grains keep shifting beneath our tired feet Ella W. Hi Ella, I m new to tanka, so take my comments
          Message 4 of 4 , Feb 7, 2005
            sunset clouds
            remnants of an afternoon
            in an hourglass
            sand grains keep shifting
            beneath our tired feet


            Ella W.


            Hi Ella,

            I'm new to tanka, so take my comments with a grain of salt, please. :-) I had a little problem in reading this... It seems to shift from past to present and feels a bit disjointed to me. Would it make sense to reorder the lines...establish a setting...at the beach at sunset. Then the 'thought' afterward?

            sunset clouds
            sand grains keep shifting
            beneath our tired feet -
            remnants of an afternoon
            in an hourglass

            ? Does this make sense? If not, my apologies for playing with your poem. But I learn from critique too, even if what I offer isn't the best advice I always hope someone else comes along and straightens me out. :-)


            Carole

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Well, my mind was quite distracted when I wrote this, and you picked that up straight away. It was an explosive and dizzying weekend, to say the least, and all of us here felt that time had just gone a tad too quickly. The tanka came when I was trying to "Replay" everything, but ended up with "Fast Forward" every time. Your critique is always valuable and welcome. You may not be an expert, but you do seem to grasp the feeling all the time. Your version is a lot better, I agree. Thanks a lot!
            Ella


            ---------------------------------
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