Re: [Tanka] Re: sunrise
- In a message dated 7/30/2005 12:38:32 P.M. Central Standard Time,
> > a pink sunriseThelma -
> > as I cycle with the breeze
> > sometimes it comes
> > when I least expect it -
> > a sense of contentment
> > -- Thelma
> I like the poem and the way you start your new day! :-)
> - Yuri
I also like this poem. Just a thought
but, in line 5, would "this sense of
contentment" give the poem a more personal
touch, and stronger sense of being in the
"a" just seems a little bland and too
non-specific, for me, to match the
lovely feel of the rest of the poem.
Cycling at dawn is a very fresh image -- just wonderful! Regarding "this,"
which is a pointing word, I think you can use it once or twice in your
writing life, but it can be a crutch that calls attention to itself, particularly
in a collection of poems.
I'd like to try that cycling at dawn!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]