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Re: [Tanka] Re: sunrise

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  • Jemrich@aol.com
    In a message dated 7/30/2005 12:38:32 P.M. Central Standard Time, ... Thelma - I also like this poem. Just a thought but, in line 5, would this sense of
    Message 1 of 7 , Aug 1, 2005
      In a message dated 7/30/2005 12:38:32 P.M. Central Standard Time,
      trailermike@... writes:


      > > a pink sunrise
      > > as I cycle with the breeze
      > > sometimes it comes
      > > when I least expect it -
      > > a sense of contentment
      > >
      > >
      > > -- Thelma
      >
      > I like the poem and the way you start your new day! :-)
      > - Yuri


      Thelma -
      I also like this poem. Just a thought
      but, in line 5, would "this sense of
      contentment" give the poem a more personal
      touch, and stronger sense of being in the
      moment?

      "a" just seems a little bland and too
      non-specific, for me, to match the
      lovely feel of the rest of the poem.

      Regards,
      Michael



      Thelma,

      Cycling at dawn is a very fresh image -- just wonderful! Regarding "this,"
      which is a pointing word, I think you can use it once or twice in your
      writing life, but it can be a crutch that calls attention to itself, particularly
      in a collection of poems.

      I'd like to try that cycling at dawn!

      Jeanne


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