Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

Re: [Tanka] a rainbow

Expand Messages
  • Kirsty Karkow
    ... Lary ***The first two lines are zingers..wow! It all works very well..my only suggestion would be put yourself in the picture. How about I discover
    Message 1 of 6 , Mar 1 2:43 AM
    • 0 Attachment
      >
      >
      >
      > a rainbow
      > after five shades of mourning
      > a grandchild arrives
      > and she discovers again
      > that laughter becomes her

      Lary

      ***The first two lines are zingers..wow!
      It all works very well..my only suggestion would be put yourself in the
      picture. How about ' I discover again' for L4? The count does not have to be
      exactly the same as L5 and the tanka does not have to be a sentence. It can
      be several separate images. What do you think? Kirsty ...with her usual
      niggle...<s>

      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      > Yahoo! Groups Links
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      > --
      > Internal Virus Database is out-of-date.
      > Checked by AVG Anti-Virus.
      > Version: 7.0.300 / Virus Database: 266.4.0 - Release Date: 2/22/2005
      >
      >
    • Jemrich@aol.com
      In a message dated 3/1/2005 1:01:37 A.M. Central Standard Time, laryalee@yahoo.com writes: a rainbow after five shades of mourning a grandchild arrives and
      Message 2 of 6 , Mar 1 12:06 PM
      • 0 Attachment
        In a message dated 3/1/2005 1:01:37 A.M. Central Standard Time,
        laryalee@... writes:


        a rainbow
        after five shades of mourning
        a grandchild arrives
        and she discovers again
        that laughter becomes her


        Nice use us the rainbow image as a symbol of grief.
        I like the shift to the grandchild and her laughter.
        But who is "she"? If it's the grandchild, would this
        child even be aware that "laughter becomes her"?.
        That's more like a grownup observation.

        Just curious --

        Jeanne


        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
      • Laryalee Fraser
        Revision: a rainbow after five shades of mourning a grandchild arrives I discover again the color of laughter Original: a rainbow after five shades of mourning
        Message 3 of 6 , Mar 1 7:18 PM
        • 0 Attachment
          Revision:

          a rainbow
          after five shades of mourning
          a grandchild arrives
          I discover again
          the color of laughter


          Original:

          a rainbow
          after five shades of mourning
          a grandchild arrives
          and she discovers again
          that laughter becomes her


          Hi Kirsty,
          thanks for your niggle!
          I knew I'd have to change the last line if I wrote it
          in the first person, because "that becomes you"
          is usually a compliment given by someone else.
          But you made me get busy!


          Thank you very much, Jeanne...
          your thoughts helped me format the revision, too...
          I hope it works!

          :~)
          Lary



          ***The first two lines are zingers..wow!
          It all works very well..my only suggestion would be put yourself in
          the
          picture. How about ' I discover again' for L4? The count does not
          have to be
          exactly the same as L5 and the tanka does not have to be a sentence.
          It can
          be several separate images. What do you think? Kirsty ...with her
          usual
          niggle...<s>

          Nice use us the rainbow image as a symbol of grief.
          I like the shift to the grandchild and her laughter.
          But who is "she"? If it's the grandchild, would this
          child even be aware that "laughter becomes her"?.
          That's more like a grownup observation.

          Just curious --

          Jeanne
        • Gary Blankenship
          a rainbow after five shades of mourning a grandchild arrives and she discovers again that laughter becomes her Lovely work, Lary. Again, I wonder at a couple
          Message 4 of 6 , Mar 2 8:45 AM
          • 0 Attachment
            a rainbow
            after five shades of mourning
            a grandchild arrives
            and she discovers again
            that laughter becomes her

            Lovely work, Lary.

            Again, I wonder at a couple of words, perhaps

            she rediscovers/that laughter becomes her

            five shades rocks.

            Thanks.

            Gary


            February FireWeed ready to read. Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/<http://www.mindfirerenew.com/>
            to get to the issue in a couple of clicks

            [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
          • Jemrich@aol.com
            In a message dated 3/1/2005 9:23:41 P.M. Central Standard Time, laryalee@yahoo.com writes: a rainbow after five shades of mourning a grandchild arrives I
            Message 5 of 6 , Mar 2 9:05 AM
            • 0 Attachment
              In a message dated 3/1/2005 9:23:41 P.M. Central Standard Time,
              laryalee@... writes:

              a rainbow
              after five shades of mourning
              a grandchild arrives
              I discover again
              the color of laughter



              Works for me!

              Jeanne


              [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
            Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.