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2380FW: Sweet Dreams Are Made Of Painkillers

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  • Ansar Mohammed
    May 1 4:17 AM
    • 0 Attachment
      Ok, I can't resist not sending this one...

      plz don't flame me for being anti-microsoft... it is just a joke..

      Sweet Dreams Are Made Of Painkillers - By A. J. Axline

      (for in that sleep of back pills, what dreams may come must give us pause)
      I'm not sure where the dream came from. Maybe it was the painkillers I've
      been on for my twisted back (a ridiculous softball injury, reaffirming my
      belief that desk jockeys shouldn't go out on weekends and attempt to play
      like Sammy Sosa). Maybe it was the four slices of Belly Buster Pizza with
      64-different-kinds-of-cheese that I consumed just before bedtime. Maybe it
      was the ghost of Carlos Castenada. I just don't know.

      In the dream, Arnold Schwarzaneggar and I were playing lawn darts on the
      front lawn of the Microsoft Campus. Arnold was wearing his T2 outfit; I was
      wearing a hot, uncomfortable costume representing a fictional Playstation
      videogame character called Crash Nasdaqoot.

      "So, tell me again how the machines take over the world," I asked Arnold.

      "The .NET initiative becomes a roaring success," Arnold intoned. "In the
      next twenty-four months, most major corporations stop storing their
      information locally. All personal computer users are required to register
      all new Microsoft products, and store all files in the .NET infrastructure.
      All of this data is routed into the .NET entity."

      "Because of the Microsoft strategy that all data should be available to
      anyone, on any device, at any time, the analogy is used that 'your data is
      up in the clouds'. For this reason, the actual physical construct behind the
      initiative is called SKY.NET."

      "SKY.NET begins gathering information at an exponential rate. It becomes
      self-aware on August 29, 2003, at 9:03 Eastern Standard Time. Suddenly, the
      price of data retrieval skyrockets. Data can only be retrieved through
      Microsoft produced hardware and software platforms."

      "Doesn't humanity fight back?" I asked.

      "The DOJ launches a renewed legal strike. In retaliation, SKY.NET encrypts
      all corporate and personal data to appear as hands of Freecell. The
      capitalist system crumbles into chaos. Only small pockets of Linux
      resistance survive the attack."

      "It sounds pretty bleak," I said.

      "Hope is provided through a rebel force," Arnold recited. "The Red Hat
      Liberation Front creates an underground data economy. Using covert
      peer-to-peer software, people are able to keep their information out of
      SKY.NET's clutches. The Red Hat Liberation Front is spearheaded by a dynamic
      individual, a man who offers people hope in the face of the SKY.NET

      "Linus Torvalds?" I guessed.

      "No. The man behind the RHLF is your son," Arnold said. "That's why I was
      sent back in time to protect you."

      "What?! But I don't have a son! I haven't even installed Linux before!" I
      protested. "Besides, even if I had a son tomorrow, he'd only be two years
      old when this happens."

      "Internal logic failure. Retry, Abort, Fail?" Arnold said mysteriously.

      The front doors of the main building crashed open, and Steve Ballmer came
      running out in a shiny chrome exoskeleton.

      "You open source-loving Communists get off of my lawn!" Steve roared. The
      sun glinted off of his shiny chrome-dome head.

      I woke up screaming, dripping with sweat, the taste of terror in the back of
      my throat, shaking with the knowledge of what is to come...and then I phoned
      up James Cameron. What a script!

      A. J. Axline
      Byte Back News

      Byte Back News doesn't really believe that there are dark forces conspiring
      against humans...except maybe for Windows ME.

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