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Labor PAINS!

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  • Jeffrey Klayman
    Hi all-an SOS from ole stuttering Jeff. Totally out-of-control panic/anxiety last few days. And I can t even begin to any work on myself (until this email). I
    Message 1 of 6 , Sep 4, 2011
      Hi all-an SOS from ole stuttering Jeff.
      Totally out-of-control panic/anxiety last few days.  And I can't even begin to any work on myself (until this email).  I leave my house and carry Ellis'book, worksheets, stuttering manuals, everywhere I go like a security blanket, but I DON'T DO A DAMN THING WITH THEM because I just don't know where to start to address what's going on. 
      My friend suggested Holiday blues and that's part of it-long weekend and feeling that everyone is with friends, family doing fabulous fun things to celebrate and end of summer and I wake up alone and scared and terrfieid.  I can't write, I can't read, I escape to movies just to escape but that's just mindless escape to kill hours before night comes and then I can take a Klonopin and try to sleep for a few hours.
      Sorry to confesss/admit all this.  I've had all the tools/support anyone could ask for. But I can't seem to pull out of this rabbit hole of despair, hopelessness. 
      Anyone to suggest ONE thing to do today to start the long, long road back.
      Thanks all
      jeff
    • Jeffrey Klayman
      p.s I constant in this nightmare is my 24/7 guilt that I haven t gone a new kitty as a companion for my 2 year old Misty. I feel I MUST get another cat because
      Message 2 of 6 , Sep 4, 2011
        p.s
        I constant in this nightmare is my 24/7 guilt that I haven't gone a new kitty as a companion for my 2 year old Misty.  I feel I MUST get another cat because she's lonely and bored just being with me and I"ve always had 2 cats in the past but I've made some attempts at adopting a kitty a few weeks ago and gave up after a few tries (no males available, not the right temperament etc.) Intellectually I know I am totally projecting my own feelings of loss, abandonment onto her.  I have no idea what Misty is feeling/thinking.  She might be perfectly happy just being with me but every time I leave the house even for a few hours, I am compelled to rush home to reassure her that I'm still here.
        Yes, toally IRRATIONAL--I'm not defending any of the above-just explaining and trying to "Rarionalize" my current state of despair.  Yes, I keep repeating "This won't kill me" "I can tolerate this" -"This too shall pass! -but it's not passing.  Only increasing in intensity and desperation. 
        I need to start doing a baby-step that I can do.
        I cope right how by lying on my sofa and putting on classical music but then thoughts keep rushing through my brain that this is "laziness, escape" and not a productive way to live and that I should be applying massive effort to get "well"-to get out of this nightmare existence,
        Again-apologies.  I need to express this as a first step in accepting that I need help.
        jeff

        Jeffrey Klayman wrote:
        Hi all-an SOS from ole stuttering Jeff.
        Totally out-of-control panic/anxiety last few days.  And I can't even begin to any work on myself (until this email).  I leave my house and carry Ellis'book, worksheets, stuttering manuals, everywhere I go like a security blanket, but I DON'T DO A DAMN THING WITH THEM because I just don't know where to start to address what's going on. 
        My friend suggested Holiday blues and that's part of it-long weekend and feeling that everyone is with friends, family doing fabulous fun things to celebrate and end of summer and I wake up alone and scared and terrfieid.  I can't write, I can't read, I escape to movies just to escape but that's just mindless escape to kill hours before night comes and then I can take a Klonopin and try to sleep for a few hours.
        Sorry to confesss/admit all this.  I've had all the tools/support anyone could ask for. But I can't seem to pull out of this rabbit hole of despair, hopelessness. 
        Anyone to suggest ONE thing to do today to start the long, long road back.
        Thanks all
        jeff
      • Robert Bayer
        Hi Jeff, As you have wrote you have already taken the first steps out of despair by writing. To the affirmations you keep repeating I would add a reminder
        Message 3 of 6 , Sep 4, 2011
          Hi Jeff,
          As you have wrote you have already taken the first steps out of despair by writing.  To the affirmations you keep repeating I would add a reminder that you have been in despair before and come out of it.

          I am wondering why you think you should be applying a massive effort to get well?

          It seems to me that it is sensible to try to improve your mood but what is your evidence that a massive effort will be more effective than a easier road.  Sometimes the easier road is the quickest way to go. I am confident that you can continue take sensible steps to turn things around.  I'm rooting for you.

          Bob Bayer

          On Sun, Sep 4, 2011 at 3:51 PM, Jeffrey Klayman <jskd133@...> wrote:
           

          p.s
          I constant in this nightmare is my 24/7 guilt that I haven't gone a new kitty as a companion for my 2 year old Misty.  I feel I MUST get another cat because she's lonely and bored just being with me and I"ve always had 2 cats in the past but I've made some attempts at adopting a kitty a few weeks ago and gave up after a few tries (no males available, not the right temperament etc.) Intellectually I know I am totally projecting my own feelings of loss, abandonment onto her.  I have no idea what Misty is feeling/thinking.  She might be perfectly happy just being with me but every time I leave the house even for a few hours, I am compelled to rush home to reassure her that I'm still here.
          Yes, toally IRRATIONAL--I'm not defending any of the above-just explaining and trying to "Rarionalize" my current state of despair.  Yes, I keep repeating "This won't kill me" "I can tolerate this" -"This too shall pass! -but it's not passing.  Only increasing in intensity and desperation. 
          I need to start doing a baby-step that I can do.
          I cope right how by lying on my sofa and putting on classical music but then thoughts keep rushing through my brain that this is "laziness, escape" and not a productive way to live and that I should be applying massive effort to get "well"-to get out of this nightmare existence,
          Again-apologies.  I need to express this as a first step in accepting that I need help.
          jeff


          Jeffrey Klayman wrote:
          Hi all-an SOS from ole stuttering Jeff.
          Totally out-of-control panic/anxiety last few days.  And I can't even begin to any work on myself (until this email).  I leave my house and carry Ellis'book, worksheets, stuttering manuals, everywhere I go like a security blanket, but I DON'T DO A DAMN THING WITH THEM because I just don't know where to start to address what's going on. 
          My friend suggested Holiday blues and that's part of it-long weekend and feeling that everyone is with friends, family doing fabulous fun things to celebrate and end of summer and I wake up alone and scared and terrfieid.  I can't write, I can't read, I escape to movies just to escape but that's just mindless escape to kill hours before night comes and then I can take a Klonopin and try to sleep for a few hours.
          Sorry to confesss/admit all this.  I've had all the tools/support anyone could ask for. But I can't seem to pull out of this rabbit hole of despair, hopelessness. 
          Anyone to suggest ONE thing to do today to start the long, long road back.
          Thanks all
          jeff


        • Jeffrey Klayman
          Hi Robert, Thanks so much for reply.  In fact, I am NOT doing any affirmations.  I m just carrying tons of support stuff with me day and night but cannot or
          Message 4 of 6 , Sep 4, 2011
            Hi Robert,
            Thanks so much for reply. 
            In fact, I am NOT doing any affirmations.  I'm just carrying tons of support stuff with me day and night but cannot or WILL not open the material and do anything.  This is what is perplexing and frightening.  It's as if a "voice" is repeating like a  Mantra "Nothing will help, nothing will help, give up, give up. Live in pain, live in pain etc."  I know enough about REBT to understand that this is not "real"-it's the message I am feeding myself.  But how ot combat this has eluded me thusfar.
            I'm sure more will come later
            ciao for now
            jeff

            Robert Bayer wrote:
             

            Hi Jeff,

            As you have wrote you have already taken the first steps out of despair by writing.  To the affirmations you keep repeating I would add a reminder that you have been in despair before and come out of it.

            I am wondering why you think you should be applying a massive effort to get well?

            It seems to me that it is sensible to try to improve your mood but what is your evidence that a massive effort will be more effective than a easier road.  Sometimes the easier road is the quickest way to go. I am confident that you can continue take sensible steps to turn things around.  I'm rooting for you.

            Bob Bayer

            On Sun, Sep 4, 2011 at 3:51 PM, Jeffrey Klayman <jskd133@...> wrote:
             

            p.s
            I constant in this nightmare is my 24/7 guilt that I haven't gone a new kitty as a companion for my 2 year old Misty.  I feel I MUST get another cat because she's lonely and bored just being with me and I"ve always had 2 cats in the past but I've made some attempts at adopting a kitty a few weeks ago and gave up after a few tries (no males available, not the right temperament etc.) Intellectually I know I am totally projecting my own feelings of loss, abandonment onto her.  I have no idea what Misty is feeling/thinking.  She might be perfectly happy just being with me but every time I leave the house even for a few hours, I am compelled to rush home to reassure her that I'm still here.
            Yes, toally IRRATIONAL--I'm not defending any of the above-just explaining and trying to "Rarionalize" my current state of despair.  Yes, I keep repeating "This won't kill me" "I can tolerate this" -"This too shall pass! -but it's not passing.  Only increasing in intensity and desperation. 
            I need to start doing a baby-step that I can do.
            I cope right how by lying on my sofa and putting on classical music but then thoughts keep rushing through my brain that this is "laziness, escape" and not a productive way to live and that I should be applying massive effort to get "well"-to get out of this nightmare existence,
            Again-apologies.  I need to express this as a first step in accepting that I need help.
            jeff


            Jeffrey Klayman wrote:
            Hi all-an SOS from ole stuttering Jeff.
            Totally out-of-control panic/anxiety last few days.  And I can't even begin to any work on myself (until this email).  I leave my house and carry Ellis'book, worksheets, stuttering manuals, everywhere I go like a security blanket, but I DON'T DO A DAMN THING WITH THEM because I just don't know where to start to address what's going on. 
            My friend suggested Holiday blues and that's part of it-long weekend and feeling that everyone is with friends, family doing fabulous fun things to celebrate and end of summer and I wake up alone and scared and terrfieid.  I can't write, I can't read, I escape to movies just to escape but that's just mindless escape to kill hours before night comes and then I can take a Klonopin and try to sleep for a few hours.
            Sorry to confesss/admit all this.  I've had all the tools/support anyone could ask for. But I can't seem to pull out of this rabbit hole of despair, hopelessness. 
            Anyone to suggest ONE thing to do today to start the long, long road back.
            Thanks all
            jeff

          • Robert Bayer
            You are welcome for the reply. I hope that what Rex and I have wrote will be and encouragement to you. I m wondering is there something you are trying to
            Message 5 of 6 , Sep 4, 2011
              You are welcome for the reply.  I hope that what Rex and I have wrote will be and encouragement to you.  I'm wondering is there something you are trying to avoid?  Might there be something that you will have to face if you were functioning better that you are trying to avoid?  Perhaps there is something you fear more than living in pain?

              Bob

              On Sun, Sep 4, 2011 at 6:20 PM, Jeffrey Klayman <jskd133@...> wrote:
               

              Hi Robert,
              Thanks so much for reply. 
              In fact, I am NOT doing any affirmations.  I'm just carrying tons of support stuff with me day and night but cannot or WILL not open the material and do anything.  This is what is perplexing and frightening.  It's as if a "voice" is repeating like a  Mantra "Nothing will help, nothing will help, give up, give up. Live in pain, live in pain etc."  I know enough about REBT to understand that this is not "real"-it's the message I am feeding myself.  But how ot combat this has eluded me thusfar.
              I'm sure more will come later
              ciao for now
              jeff


              Robert Bayer wrote:
               

              Hi Jeff,

              As you have wrote you have already taken the first steps out of despair by writing.  To the affirmations you keep repeating I would add a reminder that you have been in despair before and come out of it.

              I am wondering why you think you should be applying a massive effort to get well?

              It seems to me that it is sensible to try to improve your mood but what is your evidence that a massive effort will be more effective than a easier road.  Sometimes the easier road is the quickest way to go. I am confident that you can continue take sensible steps to turn things around.  I'm rooting for you.

              Bob Bayer

              On Sun, Sep 4, 2011 at 3:51 PM, Jeffrey Klayman <jskd133@...> wrote:
               

              p.s
              I constant in this nightmare is my 24/7 guilt that I haven't gone a new kitty as a companion for my 2 year old Misty.  I feel I MUST get another cat because she's lonely and bored just being with me and I"ve always had 2 cats in the past but I've made some attempts at adopting a kitty a few weeks ago and gave up after a few tries (no males available, not the right temperament etc.) Intellectually I know I am totally projecting my own feelings of loss, abandonment onto her.  I have no idea what Misty is feeling/thinking.  She might be perfectly happy just being with me but every time I leave the house even for a few hours, I am compelled to rush home to reassure her that I'm still here.
              Yes, toally IRRATIONAL--I'm not defending any of the above-just explaining and trying to "Rarionalize" my current state of despair.  Yes, I keep repeating "This won't kill me" "I can tolerate this" -"This too shall pass! -but it's not passing.  Only increasing in intensity and desperation. 
              I need to start doing a baby-step that I can do.
              I cope right how by lying on my sofa and putting on classical music but then thoughts keep rushing through my brain that this is "laziness, escape" and not a productive way to live and that I should be applying massive effort to get "well"-to get out of this nightmare existence,
              Again-apologies.  I need to express this as a first step in accepting that I need help.
              jeff


              Jeffrey Klayman wrote:
              Hi all-an SOS from ole stuttering Jeff.
              Totally out-of-control panic/anxiety last few days.  And I can't even begin to any work on myself (until this email).  I leave my house and carry Ellis'book, worksheets, stuttering manuals, everywhere I go like a security blanket, but I DON'T DO A DAMN THING WITH THEM because I just don't know where to start to address what's going on. 
              My friend suggested Holiday blues and that's part of it-long weekend and feeling that everyone is with friends, family doing fabulous fun things to celebrate and end of summer and I wake up alone and scared and terrfieid.  I can't write, I can't read, I escape to movies just to escape but that's just mindless escape to kill hours before night comes and then I can take a Klonopin and try to sleep for a few hours.
              Sorry to confesss/admit all this.  I've had all the tools/support anyone could ask for. But I can't seem to pull out of this rabbit hole of despair, hopelessness. 
              Anyone to suggest ONE thing to do today to start the long, long road back.
              Thanks all
              jeff


            • Jeffrey Klayman
              Sorry for delay in reply.   You are spot on.  YES! I ve often thought about this very issue.  and YES, there is something I d have to face if I was
              Message 6 of 6 , Sep 7, 2011
                Sorry for delay in reply.   You are spot on.  YES! I've often thought about this very issue.  and YES, there is something I'd have to face if I was functioning better.  My writing or inability lately to get back to work full-time on a play that's attracted much national interest over the years from various competitions etc.  I do fear that more than living in the pain and it is in fact 100% (okay 90%) self-imposed.  As long as I focus on stuttering 24/7 I am "forgiving" my inaction, inactivity in doing anything else with my life.  I mean, how can I do anything when I stutter so badly??  Clearly, hiding behind a facade of helplessness, woe-is-me, poor Jeff.  I am in touch with all that, but at moment, can't seem to translate these insights into action to overcome this.  I am NOT "MUSTerbating" on this point but obviously this is at the core of my current pain and grief.
                More anon.
                Must run
                Thanks again Robert for keeping me on my toes.
                jeff

                Robert Bayer wrote:
                 

                You are welcome for the reply.  I hope that what Rex and I have wrote will be and encouragement to you.  I'm wondering is there something you are trying to avoid?  Might there be something that you will have to face if you were functioning better that you are trying to avoid?  Perhaps there is something you fear more than living in pain?

                Bob

                On Sun, Sep 4, 2011 at 6:20 PM, Jeffrey Klayman <jskd133@...> wrote:
                 

                Hi Robert,
                Thanks so much for reply. 
                In fact, I am NOT doing any affirmations.  I'm just carrying tons of support stuff with me day and night but cannot or WILL not open the material and do anything.  This is what is perplexing and frightening.  It's as if a "voice" is repeating like a  Mantra "Nothing will help, nothing will help, give up, give up. Live in pain, live in pain etc."  I know enough about REBT to understand that this is not "real"-it's the message I am feeding myself.  But how ot combat this has eluded me thusfar.
                I'm sure more will come later
                ciao for now
                jeff


                Robert Bayer wrote:
                 

                Hi Jeff,

                As you have wrote you have already taken the first steps out of despair by writing.  To the affirmations you keep repeating I would add a reminder that you have been in despair before and come out of it.

                I am wondering why you think you should be applying a massive effort to get well?

                It seems to me that it is sensible to try to improve your mood but what is your evidence that a massive effort will be more effective than a easier road.  Sometimes the easier road is the quickest way to go. I am confident that you can continue take sensible steps to turn things around.  I'm rooting for you.

                Bob Bayer

                On Sun, Sep 4, 2011 at 3:51 PM, Jeffrey Klayman <jskd133@...> wrote:
                 

                p.s
                I constant in this nightmare is my 24/7 guilt that I haven't gone a new kitty as a companion for my 2 year old Misty.  I feel I MUST get another cat because she's lonely and bored just being with me and I"ve always had 2 cats in the past but I've made some attempts at adopting a kitty a few weeks ago and gave up after a few tries (no males available, not the right temperament etc.) Intellectually I know I am totally projecting my own feelings of loss, abandonment onto her.  I have no idea what Misty is feeling/thinking.  She might be perfectly happy just being with me but every time I leave the house even for a few hours, I am compelled to rush home to reassure her that I'm still here.
                Yes, toally IRRATIONAL--I'm not defending any of the above-just explaining and trying to "Rarionalize" my current state of despair.  Yes, I keep repeating "This won't kill me" "I can tolerate this" -"This too shall pass! -but it's not passing.  Only increasing in intensity and desperation. 
                I need to start doing a baby-step that I can do.
                I cope right how by lying on my sofa and putting on classical music but then thoughts keep rushing through my brain that this is "laziness, escape" and not a productive way to live and that I should be applying massive effort to get "well"-to get out of this nightmare existence,
                Again-apologies.  I need to express this as a first step in accepting that I need help.
                jeff


                Jeffrey Klayman wrote:
                Hi all-an SOS from ole stuttering Jeff.
                Totally out-of-control panic/anxiety last few days.  And I can't even begin to any work on myself (until this email).  I leave my house and carry Ellis'book, worksheets, stuttering manuals, everywhere I go like a security blanket, but I DON'T DO A DAMN THING WITH THEM because I just don't know where to start to address what's going on. 
                My friend suggested Holiday blues and that's part of it-long weekend and feeling that everyone is with friends, family doing fabulous fun things to celebrate and end of summer and I wake up alone and scared and terrfieid.  I can't write, I can't read, I escape to movies just to escape but that's just mindless escape to kill hours before night comes and then I can take a Klonopin and try to sleep for a few hours.
                Sorry to confesss/admit all this.  I've had all the tools/support anyone could ask for. But I can't seem to pull out of this rabbit hole of despair, hopelessness. 
                Anyone to suggest ONE thing to do today to start the long, long road back.
                Thanks all
                jeff


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