Mushrooms by Prof. Paul Eidelberg
A Mushroom CloudPaul EidelbergMolecular biologists contend that man is descended from mushrooms. Believe it. Some mushrooms have evolved into politicians. They flourish in Israel. Ever see such bland politicians?Because mushrooms lack chlorophyll, they’re destitute of color, and, like Israeli prime ministers, they crumble under the slightest pressure.Mushrooms, of course, are fungi, and many reproduce by asexual means. That’s pretty much the case of Israeli politicians: Israel’s system of proportional representation produces an abundance of sterile politicians.Some mushrooms are deadly. They're called "toadstools." A weird assortment of such fungi populate Israel's Knesset. The head of the Knesset's most numerous fungi forms Israel's cabinet.Like a toadstool, with its umbrella-shaped cap, the cabinet encapsulates the most ill-assorted fungi. Its current captain, Prime Minister Netanyahu, has been classified as coprinus comatus, the Latin designation of a Horsetail Mushroom.As for Israel’s President, Shimon Peres, he’s been classified as primus peresitis. Incidentally, Peres is the one mushroom that almost succeeded in reproducing himself in Yossi Beilin, now serving the toadstools of the EU.Now, as every housewife knows, poisonous as well as edible mushrooms (boletus edulis) grow in dark and dingy places and require no cultivation. Also—and this will remind the reader of Israel's political elites—mushrooms have no roots but swelled heads. Of course, their heads are vacuous.It’s laughable when sterile, mushroomed Israeli politicians engage in diplomatic intercourse with Arabs, the most prolific race on earth. Arabs are not fluff balls. Their roots go deep. Poisonous or otherwise, they are not bloodless. Indeed, they exult in blood, which is why the knife has ever been a symbol of Arab manliness.Juxtapose anemic politicians like Netanyahu and Peres. These political mushrooms seek only "peace," meaning comfortable self-preservation.Another aspect of mushrooms is their randomness. As any honest political scientist knows, randomness is a basic characteristic of multicultural democratic societies—democracies without a profile. The chance aggregation of individuals, each pursuing his own interests, is the hallmark of any "You're okay," "I'm okay," "We're all okay democracy. Which means that these democracies tend to produce random men—human mushrooms. Democracies therefore worship change. Enter Barack Obama.Like Obama, Israel's political elites oppose tradition. They want to transform Israel into “a state of its citizens,” i.e., a multicultural mushroom society. Public school curriculums have been revised to encourage children to eat mushrooms. Eateries featuring mushroom-topped pizzas may soon receive special tax breaks and even subsidies. Nor is this all.Israel's media portray Arab rulers as mushroom-lovers differing not at all from their Jewish counterparts. Prompted by Shimon Peres, the Ministry of Agriculture has shipped five hundred tons of mushrooms to Mahmoud Abbas as a goodwill gesture prior to releasing 500 Arab terrorists. Abbas promptly distributed these mushrooms to Arabs suffering from malnutrition.Inspired by multicultural mushrooms like Tzipi Livni, and encouraged by former Supreme Court President Aharon Barak, the government introduced a bill in the Knesset to replace the Star of David in Israel's flag with a Mushroom! In the ensuing parliamentary debate, the color of the mushroom became the focus of controversy. If white, the mushroom would require a colored background. Livni proposed a pink mushroom. "We do need some color," she exclaimed. "Besides, pink will endear Israel to the Socialist International."Although he was a socialist, President Peres proposed an alternative. "Israel," he pontificated, "should have a gray mushroom on a grey background. After all, since we are trying to blend into the Arab world, we must teach Israeli youth not to make black-and-white distinctions."The moral of this story is that the enemy doesn’t need nuclear weapons for Israel to disappear in a mushroom cloud.