Meeting a Phobia
- It was a strange April celebrations for me. I woke up one morning to find I couldn't stand on my leg at all. I spent the next 3 days in a chair or on my back. The dynamism of Celebrations came to an abrupt halt. In a way, I actually quite enjoyed it. I could look through Guru's poetry and update some websites I hadn't been able to touch for months. I was grateful to have other things to be able to do.
Being confined to a chair was not as bad as I might have feared. I actually quite liked the extra time - a rare luxury. Of course, I would have preferred to have been in the middle of celebrations, but sometimes you just have to adjust to new circumstances. I'm sure, if I'd been at home, I would have struggled to remain so content. The positive energy of celebrations seems to be able to permeate your mind, even when confined to small NY room.
I was able to eventually hop around and hobble on the plane back home. But, back in England, the detachment I felt about the accident started to wear thin; two weeks off the bike is one thing, but any longer and the cycling season is in danger of slipping away. I went to visit a sports physio who suggested I go immediately to A&E with suspected blood clot. The doctors there weren't so sure, and said come back later for scan. The next day, I tried to cycle for the scan with my one good leg, but after a mile the pedal for the good leg fell off and I couldn't get it back on! I had to limp home. Anyway, after the weekend, I did finally make it for a scan, which showed a blood clot, although in the lower leg it tends not to be so serious.
The doctor said in rare cases blood clots can be fatal. Death doesn't worry me at all. But, when the doctor said, we'll need to take a blood test - you have no idea how much life energy rapidly seeped away. The thought of a needle in your body to take out blood was enough to change my skin colour to a lighter shade of pale yellow. Just the thought of a blood test made me a quivering wreck. The nurse was concerned at this sudden change of her patient. I considered half joking if they could do a blood test under general anaesthetic, but I don't think it would have been a joke.
I don't know why I have just a phobia of blood, I've had no bad experience in this life. In fact I've been remarkably fortunate in having no more than the occasional scrape from cycling accidents. If you believe in previous incarnations, you might speculate such phobias come from deep-buried previous life experiences. Like many idle spiritual seekers, I can't help occasionally speculate on previous incarnations. Perhaps a haemophiliac, perhaps bleeding to death in some battle.
But, whatever the past life incarnation, it is the kind of memory we should be grateful for not having. If we have such a traumatic experience as war, is it not a blessing to be able to wipe the slate clean? A minor blood phobia is not much compared to having all those awful images in your mind.
Anyway, the medication for blood clots, involves daily blood tests and injections. I thought this is really not good - no cycling and daily blood tests.
The only thing about the phobia is that although I felt awful at the prospect, I also knew it was just one of those things you can't avoid. Life has a habit of repeatedly throwing up things you try to escape from. If not now, it would be sometimes in the future. Though I did inwardly smile at the irony of ending up in a hemophiliac ward.
The second blood test was not as bad. The feeling of nausea was not as strong. After that I was much more detached about the blood tests. It became a routine, and I realised no harm comes form it. The pain is minimal and then that's it - done. The daily routine of having a blood tests, changed some underlying subconscious reaction. The terrible fear evaporated. The conscious mind was able to convince the subconscious it's not so bad.
During the blood tests, I did try a little mantra, I also tried visualising a positive outcome. It helped the nurses were sympathetic. (they told me they had one patient who ran away at last minute. He had to be brought back in by his wife! So I could have been worse) But, the main thing is to go through it, and try and stop the instinctive negative reaction.
I wouldn't say I enjoy blood tests. But, I can look now and I guess I've learnt something from the experience.
BTW: The leg is much better now.
- Thanks Tejvan, since I had a related experience, let's add a few.
Not too long ago, seemingly out of nowhere and out of a pretty healthy lifestyle (besides a sweet tooth and common office stress), some sharp chest pain revealed itself with a diagnosis of a tiny blood clot stuck at lungs periphery. Potentially lethal but too tiny to matter. A baby shark. Doctors scanned and scanned to find where it broke off from, found nothing. I joked that my clot had an immaculate inception... no father, not even a mother, just the baby. This was my first big encounter with several issues.
First, the prospect of physical death. How easy it may be to die... no fuss at all. A click, a finger snap, a whisper - and you're out. Emotionally, a double issue. From a human point of view - only good things, only happy moments of a lifetime kept a meaning; all the rest suddenly seemed just dust. From a spiritual perspective - how much is left undone, piles, tons, mountains of things un-achieved and unfinished, and but a tiny anthill of things done and digested.
Second, doctors with the modern medicine still have huge areas where they are not just helpless, but alas quite clueless. My tests revealed a genetic predisposition A that is known to have a statistical correlation with the thing B that is know to have a statistical correlation with C (too easy clotting). But that's all: gathered statistics, correlations. No real knowledge of anything, at least so far. They are not even sure that if you have A, and pill you to remove B, will it be good or bad for C to appear... is B helping or preventing C or what, etc. etc.
Third, good number of humans seem to be living in bodies that are predestined to live only up to about 30 to 40-something, then, some tiny but complex fault shuts the body down. Medicine really IS helping us a lot to prolong life with simple treatments of such faults. Like, how many people were dying in their 40ies just a half century ago? Famous poets, teachers, achievers... died young from some obscure this or that. And nowadays even being 70 is not too old.
Fourth, there's a spiritual benefit to all this. Every second in this body, on earth, is precious. Every second seems to be a million-dollar question correctly answered.
- Hi Tejvan, I hope we'll see you soon on your bike again!
You said something interesting about previous incarnations and our subconscious memory of them:
"But, whatever the past life incarnation, it is the kind of memory we should be
grateful for not having. If we have such a traumatic experience as war, is it
not a blessing to be able to wipe the slate clean? A minor blood phobia is not
much compared to having all those awful images in your mind."
I think this is so true. To know one's previous (perhaps) bad experience only opens the back door a little. But what for? There are enough problems to solve today. I strongly believe in Guru's words, "The past is dust" It is so wise to only look forward and not backwards.
When I was very young I suffered from a phobia, a result of neurotic fear. Two times I had to have group therapy over a long period of two months. I learned a lot about human interaction and am very grateful to the therapists, but at the end of each therapy I would ask if I could get a special training for visiting supermarkets, cinemas, big bookstores and the like. Ridiculous one may think, but true. It also didn't help much that one of the nurses once said that neurotics are a burden for society.
Were it not for the Supreme's Grace I would probably still suffer from the disease. But since I met the master these things rapidly changed for good. It took a few years though. Sometimes, when I was desperate I had dreams of Guru sitting in a cage crying.
He was more than able and willing to help me but still I had not been able to regain a natural confidence in life and in human beings.
It can happen from time to time when I am in open field that for a moment I feel paralysed (hence my reluctance to perform on Joydays or during celebrations). I can't move my legs, but immediately I begin to chant "Supreme" and force myself into reality - here and now. It works but only God knows how slowly transformation took place. Only after twenty-two years of being on this path I begin to open up for performances.
On our next 'big' Joyday in Austria I will be in a group of two other girls who will recite Guru's poetry soulfully on stage. I am confident. I want to show Someone my gratitude and love.