Tricky Questions About Santa
- Christmas is coming â" and itâs time to prepare for the most daunting
part of the holiday season, familiar to anyone who knows young
children. Yes, we have to convince them once again that Santa Claus
Sadly, children â" caught up in the intellectual mind â" are becoming
Santa-atheists earlier than than they used to. The joy, the spirit of
Christmas is leaving them as more and more people tell them that
Santaâs not real. How could they possibly think that?
In the past, it would be enough for their parents to say to them: âOf
course heâs real!â? Their faith in their parents would put things
right. But nowadays, they process this information with somewhat more
scepticism. They have several points to make. This is how to reply to
their trickier questionsâ¦
How can Santa be at every kid's house in the world exactly at midnight
Why not? Television allows our favourite stars to appear in millions
of homes at once, at exactly the same time. The internet does the
same. Letâs just say that Santa can bulk-email himself to everyoneâs
house simultaneously. Itâs as easy as clicking on the Send option.
Santa, of course, can use far more sophisticated technology than
television or the internet. He doesnât just send an email, but his
whole self, along with a sack of presents. Currently, this hi-tech
software is only used by Santa, Bill Gates and the US Military. In 10
yearsâ time, weâll all have it â" which will save us a bundle in air fares.
Of course, if they still don't believe that Santa can be everywhere at
the same time without crashing the system, this is an ideal time to
teach them about global time zones. (Good idea! Thanks to Skype and
other online phone-calling systems, kids everywhere are now able to
phone the other end of the world at their leisure, free of charge.
Please explain to them about time differences!)
I donât have a chimney or a fireplace. How does Santa enter my house?
Santa keeps up with the times â" and the latest technology. If he needs
to find a way to enter through the electrical heating system, whatâs
to stop him?
Reindeer canât fly!
This was always a difficult one. At first, Santa tried using eagles,
but even though they could fly, they were pretty useless when it came
to pushing his sleigh. Then he tried sled dogs, who (after several
weeks of travel) were able to bring presents to all the kids in
northern Finland. Unfortunately, as they couldnât cross the sea, that
was as far as they could go. Aeroplanes were also a no-no, for
environmental reasons. So Santa Labs (fresh from producing the first
chemistry sets and computer games) genetically engineered a few
reindeer, so they could fly at hundreds of times the speed of light.
Unethical? Well, just try saying that to the millions of children who
look forward to their gifts each year! This is one area where even
animal liberationists are happy to turn a blind eye. Besides, Donner,
Blitzen, Prancer and the others have been helping Santa for hundreds
of years, which is considerably longer than most reindeer life spans.
So there are some fringe benefits to being a genetically-engineered
If Santa has all those millions of cookies and glasses of milk that
are left out for him on Christmas Eve, wonât he get fat?
News flash: Santa is fat! This is very useful, as he needs all the
body fat he can get to withstand the extreme cold of the North Pole.
Unfortunately, after Christmas, heâs so tired that he usually goes
straight to bed for another 11 months. When he wakes up, heâs too busy
organising schedules and making toys, so he hardly has a chance to
have a decent lunch break. Quite simply, the milk and cookies are not
just a friendly gesture; they are ESSENTIAL for Santaâs body fuel!
How can Santa afford all those toys?
This one used to stump me. But then, last year, I noticed that all of
my nephew's Christmas toys were labelled with the names of toy
companies: Fisher Price, Lego, Mattelâ¦
I knew the truth, of course. These toys are made by Santaâs elves!
Obviously, however, he accepts sponsorship from all these major
multinational companies. He must be making a mint! He should easily be
able to afford materials, transport, reindeer feed and salaries
(especially as elves, being magical, can work for a lower minimum
wage). No problem.
Why does Santa dress so warm, even when itâs summer?
This is a question we've always asked in Australia, New Zealand, South
Africa, and anywhere else in the southern hemisphere where a white
Christmas is unheard-of (except in old songs). Of course, with all the
milk and cookies, Santa wants to lose a bit of weight, for health
reasons. As any athlete knows, nothing burns off fat more easily than
sweat. Santa really looks forward to visiting Australian kids
(especially those kids in the piercing Sun of the Outback), so that he
can sweat away the calories.
If Santaâs been carting around sacks of toys for over a thousand
years, why doesnât he have a bad back?
For Christmas last year, Santa was given a very good chiropractor!
(I'm not sure who gave it to him.)