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20943Up and down - new direction

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  • rie_anke
    Nov 2, 2007
      I remember Kailash saying something like "starting a new life"
      and "using the next month to reorientate ourselves" and taking some
      time of from manifestation using more time for meditation and reading
      and exploring Sri Chinmoy`s heritage (his thousands of songs, birds,
      paintings, books, tapes...) when he talked to us on the Joy Day.

      I would have just liked to go on as usual, making myself forget that
      something important has changed. - Just not to experience the loss.
      On the other hand I feel that the inner reality has NOT changed. But
      anyway it is useful to devote some time to figure out what is
      happening. Loosing Sri Chinmoy on the outer plane is painful - but
      knowing we are not loosing him on the inner plane is very comforting.

      Sitting in front of my shrine I tried to "redirect" myself...
      Striving more for the goal - God realisation? Kailash had mentioned
      that seeing a student realise God is the greatest gift for a
      spiritual master and he mentioned that Vivekananda had realised God
      appr. 20 years after Sri Ramakrishna`s passing. Well I do not know if
      20 years would do for me ;-) Kailash also shared that only after
      being on the path for about 20 years he started to "seriously"
      practise meditation. - Well perhaps I should start after my 17 years
      on the path... To be frank I am feeling like wanting to attend the
      next beginners class for meditation and perhaps I will. I just have
      to get more serious about concentration, silencing the mind and
      really go for "diving deep within".

      And - sitting in front of my shrine - "redirecting" I was trying to
      put some new goals in front of me. I mean, God realization seems so
      far that I cannot even say what it is, so perhaps some smaller goals
      would help me keep going. I remember some of the stories about other
      masters that I always enjoyed reading, some came from Sri Chinmoy`s
      books, some dated back to the time when I was a little child and my
      father would read from a children's bible to me. That was my delight.
      Some masters would visit their faithful disciples in a subtle form or
      even appear in some gross physical form (I think Babaji did that for
      Lahiri) to them when they needed them or invoked them. - Nothing is
      impossible! So to keep me going I have set the goal to become so
      advanced in my meditation that I will be able to invoke my beloved
      master. I am dreaming of becoming so advanced that I will be able to
      see his eyes the way I saw them when he offered me prasad from his
      hands. I am dreaming that I will one day be able to meet my Lord
      again in "real" and place myself at his feet or become one with him.
      It may take me hundreds, thousands of years but I will
      keep going. (Well I hope it could happen earlier - but I am prepared
      to wait.) And I know, it will not remain a dream not for me and not
      for you who are reading this - if you try! We will see Guru again, we
      will meet with Guru again but now it requires self-mastery, it
      requires "real" meditation...

      But - to come back to earth and reality I also feel that my
      meditation can only maturate when I go step by step: doing regular
      meditation practise and prayers - inspiring myself reading spiritual
      books (and the inspiration group posts :-), doing sports to keep the
      body receptive, work and meet with my spiritual sisters and brothers.
      It all goes step by step - but my inner longing to meet Guru again
      will keep me going. I hope the Supreme will grant me this experience
      one day.

      In Guru`s immortal presence
      Subarnamala
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