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20938Re: up and down - struggling with depression and grief

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  • sharani_sharani
    Nov 2, 2007
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      Dear Jody,
      My thoughts and affectionate concern are hopping on a coast-to-coast
      flight from East to West to stop in and let you know that I'm wishing
      you the pathfinders and tools to firewalk through your grief without
      depression befriending you too closely.

      I do hope you keep sharing with us here. I liked your poem. I adore
      your honesty and courage to speak the real deal of your emotions
      without censoring them.

      Do you find journaling and writing helpful? I was lucky without
      realizing it that I was thrown into writing about my inner process
      immediately when the centre site managers hoped I would write on my
      blog about Guru's passing. With a lot of monologuing here on the IG
      and two long blog posts done even before I came home from the Memorial
      Week, I felt as if I was tangoing with my feelings and urging past the
      "denial" stage that is so typical of the denial, anger, etc. stages of
      grief that Kubler-Ross made famous.

      If you already read a post in which I described some insights that
      came to me at a function in NY last Saturday night
      http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Sri_Chinmoy_Inspiration/message/20865
      please forgive my repetition.

      I just find myself thinking again of the video from exactly a year ago
      we watched on Oct. 27th evening function of Guru talking about one of
      his sisters who was in Heaven while Guru was still here on earth. He
      described his easy access to her and the way that they would talk to
      each other, etc. Then he said that Heaven and Earth are next door,
      next door, next door when we live in the heart. If we live in the
      mind, it is an unimaginable distance [unofficial/not direct quote].

      This idea felt like perfect advice for us now that Guru is in Heaven
      and we are still on Earth. And I find myself thinking of Purnakama's
      quote from Guru's writings in her message 20913 where he states,

      "When the Master is no longer on the physical plane, then the
      disciple has to remain in contact with the Master through his most
      sincere and intense meditation." [unofficial]

      I heard that at the Joy Day in Europe that Kailash lectured and one of
      his main points was that now is a time to really intensify and give
      importance to our meditation/inner life.

      Meditation as a tool to still feel closely connected to Guru without
      his physical presence seems key. However, I will just pray that you,
      me and everyone can find the tools and process that works best for
      them to firewalk through their grief and come out the other side
      without burns on the soles of their feet.

      I feel like as long as we align ourselves with Guru's oft-spoken
      philosophy to never give up that sooner or later the transition
      through these hard times will get easier.

      Well I need to get ready for work - good thing since I can ramble on
      and on,
      Sharani




      --- In Sri_Chinmoy_Inspiration@yahoogroups.com, jodybol <no_reply@...>
      wrote:
      >
      > I, too, believe that grief and depression - tho related - are in
      fact separate. Recently I've
      > battled to keep my grief from falling into depression with which I'm
      all too familiar.
      >
      > This morning at my shrine, I felt dry and useless like a leave on
      the ground after the glow
      > of green and the flame of autumn fire. Felt juiceless, depressed and
      discouraged.
      >
      > At least grief feels alive -it is an emotion - a reminder of life
      even thinking of death. I
      > sought even the sap of grieving.
      >
      > Last night I had complained at some length to several people about
      an injustice that had
      > "been done to me". I couldn't seem to let go of it. Finally
      confronted the individual and
      > received an apology. Then it hit me:
      >
      > 1. I wear a "complaint free world" bracelet to stay away from that
      destructiveness
      > 2. In preparation for a training session I'd written the aphorism
      "to deliberately criticize
      > another individual may cause an indelible stain on the critic."
      >
      > GUILT hit like a red blaze. Not a good night. Then morning snuck in.
      Dutifully to the
      > shrine.
      >
      > I listened to the AUM CD of Guru chanting with ocean waves in the
      background and asked
      > for forgiveness and even to cry to wipe away my transgressions. I
      imagined every image I
      > could find of being in his lap as a child, of a muddy youngster
      running to be cleaned up. I
      > felt an ink stain blackening my vision and filling my ears. I asked
      for tears to wash with.
      > Nothing.
      >
      > In the excess typical of depression I heard the Simon and Garfunkle
      tune, "I am a rock, I
      > am an island..." I could find no crack, no moisture, no solice and
      sat feeling parched and
      > withered. More than an hour passed.
      >
      > My daughter broke the spell by reminding me that I needed to drive
      her to school. Finally,
      > driving home alone, listening to the news, I heard of a couple who
      had left Myanmar after
      > having marched in the streets. I pictured the kind , generous
      sweetness of so many people
      > there who gave me innumerable gifts and the continuous gift of the
      Chritmas trips.
      >
      > My proverbial dam broke and I cried the whole way home. Gratitude
      soaked in the
      > moisture and some humanity crept back into my body.
      >
      > I recalled the time when I'd called NY in desperation because
      depression had so captured
      > me that I was close to immobile. I received the message about love
      and blessing. Instantly,
      > at that very moment, every single remnant of the blankness/blackness
      was gone. Literally
      > as if a light had been switched on - no sign of even greyness. No
      transition.
      >
      > Then my tears were gratitude - again.
      >
      > As I packed for my trip I found in my briefcase a prasad phote of
      Guru with the quote:
      >
      > "My Lord, my prayer to you is this: Do continue to remain fully in
      charge of my life."
      >
      > and that's where I am now
      >
      > opps gotta go pack
      >
      > jody
      >
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