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20931Re: up and down - struggling with depression and grief

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  • abhinabha
    Nov 1, 2007
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      Dear Jody,

      You have a most remarkable, intuitive and direct writing skill which
      is very captivating. Your style is so authentically personal it
      becomes universal. Have you ever thought about writing a book? Or even
      a short story? I think you have an amazing talent.

      And thanks for being so honest about everything.

      Isn't that a great prayer you closed with? I say it every morning
      after my meditation. And feel greatly reassured.

      Best wishes,

      --- In Sri_Chinmoy_Inspiration@yahoogroups.com, jodybol <no_reply@...>
      > I, too, believe that grief and depression - tho related - are in
      fact separate. Recently I've
      > battled to keep my grief from falling into depression with which I'm
      all too familiar.
      > This morning at my shrine, I felt dry and useless like a leave on
      the ground after the glow
      > of green and the flame of autumn fire. Felt juiceless, depressed and
      > At least grief feels alive -it is an emotion - a reminder of life
      even thinking of death. I
      > sought even the sap of grieving.
      > Last night I had complained at some length to several people about
      an injustice that had
      > "been done to me". I couldn't seem to let go of it. Finally
      confronted the individual and
      > received an apology. Then it hit me:
      > 1. I wear a "complaint free world" bracelet to stay away from that
      > 2. In preparation for a training session I'd written the aphorism
      "to deliberately criticize
      > another individual may cause an indelible stain on the critic."
      > GUILT hit like a red blaze. Not a good night. Then morning snuck in.
      Dutifully to the
      > shrine.
      > I listened to the AUM CD of Guru chanting with ocean waves in the
      background and asked
      > for forgiveness and even to cry to wipe away my transgressions. I
      imagined every image I
      > could find of being in his lap as a child, of a muddy youngster
      running to be cleaned up. I
      > felt an ink stain blackening my vision and filling my ears. I asked
      for tears to wash with.
      > Nothing.
      > In the excess typical of depression I heard the Simon and Garfunkle
      tune, "I am a rock, I
      > am an island..." I could find no crack, no moisture, no solice and
      sat feeling parched and
      > withered. More than an hour passed.
      > My daughter broke the spell by reminding me that I needed to drive
      her to school. Finally,
      > driving home alone, listening to the news, I heard of a couple who
      had left Myanmar after
      > having marched in the streets. I pictured the kind , generous
      sweetness of so many people
      > there who gave me innumerable gifts and the continuous gift of the
      Chritmas trips.
      > My proverbial dam broke and I cried the whole way home. Gratitude
      soaked in the
      > moisture and some humanity crept back into my body.
      > I recalled the time when I'd called NY in desperation because
      depression had so captured
      > me that I was close to immobile. I received the message about love
      and blessing. Instantly,
      > at that very moment, every single remnant of the blankness/blackness
      was gone. Literally
      > as if a light had been switched on - no sign of even greyness. No
      > Then my tears were gratitude - again.
      > As I packed for my trip I found in my briefcase a prasad phote of
      Guru with the quote:
      > "My Lord, my prayer to you is this: Do continue to remain fully in
      charge of my life."
      > and that's where I am now
      > opps gotta go pack
      > jody
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