OT: The Funniest T-Shirts of 2003: Part One & Two
- Subject: FW: The Funniest T-Shirts of 2003: Part One & Two
The Funniest T-Shirts of 2003: Part One
No more pining. No more waiting with bated breath. Here comes our annual
midsummer festival (Shakespeare would call it a midsummer day's dream): the
funniest T-shirts of 2003, as spotted aboard chests great and small by you
"I Used to Have a Handle on Life, But It Broke" -- Lori Curtis.
"Out of My Mind -- Back in Five Minutes" -- Lori again.
"If a Cow Laughed, Would Milk Come Out Her Nose?" -- Margo Wicks of
"Some Days You're the Pigeon, Some Days You're the Statue" -- Becky
"I Childproofed My House, But They Still Get In!" -- An e-mailer named Angee
and (a little later) Skipper Oliver of Woodbridge.
(On the front) "60 Is Not Old" . . . (On the back) "If You're a Tree" --
"I'm Still Hot -- It Just Comes in Flashes" -- Karen Kallmeyer of Haymarket,
who saw it in Texas.
"At My Age, Getting Lucky Is Finding My Car in the Parking Lot" -- Ed Roman
"My Reality Check Just Bounced" -- Beth Parker of Oakton.
"Never Underestimate the Stupidity of Humans in Large Groups" -- spotted in
a Northern Virginia shopping center by Yours Truly.
"Life Is Short -- Make Fun of It" -- Gail Larrick.
"I'm Not 50 -- I'm $49.95 Plus Tax" -- Ann Roberson of Olney.
"Men Are Like Grapes. If You Stomp on Them and Keep Them in the Dark Long
Enough, They Might Turn Into Something That You Would Take to Dinner" --
"Annapolis -- A Drinking Town with a Sailing Problem" -- Corey Reid, who saw
it while aboard Metro last year.
"I Need Somebody Bad. Are You Somebody Bad?" -- Gary Goldberg.
"Physically Pffffft!" -- Martin Overholt.
"Cancel My Subscription -- I Don't Need Your Issues" -- Paula Bentley of
"Buckle Up. It Makes It Harder for the Aliens to Snatch You From Your Car"
-- a Bostonian named Jennifer.
"Welcome to Tennessee -- Set Your Watch Back 20 Years" -- an e-mailer whose
initials are RSC.
"Use Vowels Every Day or You'll Get Consonated" -- Bruce W. Van Roy.
"I'm Not a Snob. I'm Just Better Than You Are" -- Stacey Wions of
Alexandria, who saw it aboard a high school girl at an amusement park.
"It's My Dog's World. I'm Just Here to Open Cans" -- Shawn Swartwood of
"Earth Is the Insane Asylum for the Universe" -- Raynetta Lewis.
"Suppose You Were an Idiot . . . And Suppose You Were a Member of Congress .
. . But I Repeat Myself" -- Andrea Fogliani of Germantown.
"Keep Staring -- I Might Do a Trick" -- Sally Wess.
"We Got Rid of the Kids -- The Cat Was Allergic" -- Milly Kowalski and (a
few days later) Theresa Taylor.
"I'm Destined for Greatness -- I'm Just Pacing Myself" -- Nada Dickerson.
"When the World Wearies and Ceases to Satisfy, There Is Always the Garden"
-- Anne Hanchett of Annapolis.
"Dangerously Under-Medicated" -- Heather Patterson, whose husband bought it
for her when they were dating.
"I Saw Your Mother on the Internet" -- Tammy Piegols of Silver Spring, who
thinks (correctly, if you ask me) that this is the 21st century version of
"Your Mother Wears Combat Boots."
"Got Pickles?" -- on a maternity shirt, of course. Thanks, Kelly Rector of
"Things Could Be Worse -- I Could Be Married" -- Angela Yates.
"Marry Me and Fly Free" -- Patricia Foley of Columbia owned it when she
worked for US Airways. "I Did and I Do," read the companion shirt that her
late husband used to wear.
"My Mind Works Like Lightning -- One Brilliant Flash and It's Gone" -- Joan
E. Runge of Columbia.
"Hang Up and Drive" -- Rosalind Modlin of Alexandria.
"Every Time I Hear the Dirty Word 'Exercise' I Wash My Mouth Out With
Chocolate" -- Richard C. Smith of Springfield.
"Once I Thought I Was Wrong, But I Was Mistaken" -- Harriet H. Leonard of
"Give Peas a Chance" -- Pia McKay of Northwest Washington.
"Grandmas Are Just Antique Little Girls" -- Alma Denton of Waldorf, who got
it as a gift from a granddaughter (of all people).
"I Started With Nothing and I Have Most of It Left" -- Kitty Calvert of
"I Know I Came into This Room for a Reason" -- Kitty again.
"Cats Regard People As Warm-Blooded Furniture" -- Kitty a third time.
"Live Your Life So That When You Die, the Preacher Will Not Have to Tell
Lies at Your Funeral" -- Kenny Adams of Falls Church.
"In God We Trust -- All Others We Polygraph" -- Kenny again.
"Everyone Has a Photographic Memory -- Some Just Don't Have Any Film" --
"If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing a Couple of Payments" -- Nury again.
"Chicks Dig Scrawny Guys" -- aboard a "skinnyish teenaged guy," according to
Mariana T. Osorio.
"My Wife Comes With Instructions -- Lots of Instructions" -- Robert Lanza.
And my favorite one so far in 2003:
"I Invested All My Money in Enron and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" -- A
reader who asks to remain anonymous.
The Funniest T-Shirts of 2003: Part Two
"Don't Worry, Mom -- It's Just a Phase" -- Noreen Tahir of Rockville.
"God Must Love Stupid People -- He Made So Many" -- Jooch Nam.
"He Rules the Roost -- But I Rule the Rooster" -- Susan Haug of Alexandria.
"You Can Only Be Young Once, But You Can Be Immature Forever" -- Pat S.
Donnelly of Annandale, N.J.
"Admit Nothing, Deny Everything, Make Counter-Accusations" -- Nigel
Lindsay-Kerr of Tukwila, Wash., who sounds as if he'd know how to do well in
the Other Washington, too.
"People Like You Are the Reason People Like Me Need Medication" -- Andrew
"My Inner Child Is an Honor Roll Student" -- Debbie FitzSimonds of Shady
(For a man only) "Don't Assume I Fix Things" -- Fil Feit.
"And on the Eighth Day, God Created Golf Courses" -- John Pope.
"I Was God's Gift to Women, But I Have Been Rewrapped and Placed on a Closet
Shelf" -- Jerry Duncan of Annandale.
"Retired -- Know It All and Got Plenty of Time to Tell You About It" -- an
"Fifty Is the Ultimate F-Word" -- Peter Tannenwald of Northwest Washington.
"I've Gone to Find Myself. If I Get Back Before I've Found Me, Please Keep
Me Here" -- Jonathan Howard.
(Front) "Randolph-Macon Woman's College . . ." (Back) "Not a Girls' School
with No Men, but a Woman's College with No Boys" -- A Reston reader.
"Can I Buy You a Drink or Do You Just Want Money?" -- Jacqueline Shubert of
"I Have a Short Attention . . ." -- Eileen Dunnington.
"Remember When Sex Was Safe and Skydiving Was Dangerous?" -- Andrew Visser.
"Before You Can Be Old and Wise, You Must First Be Young and Stupid" --
Walter Grant of Gilbert, Ariz.
"Retirement -- Twice as Much Husband for Half as Much Money" -- Carol Prier.
"I Took the Road Less Traveled, and Now Where the Heck Am I?" -- Wendy
"Two Rights Do Not Make a Wrong. They Make an Airplane" -- an e-mailer who
asks to remain anonymous.
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" -- same
"Heck Is Where People Go Who Don't Believe in Gosh" -- same e-mailer yet
"We Have Enough Youth -- How About a Fountain of Smart?" -- Gina DiPoppo.
"At the Mention of My Name, Golf Balls Tremble" -- Tony Glassford of
(Seen aboard a baby) "A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words -- With My
Grandma, You Get Both" -- Elizabeth L. Ritter.
"I Love Cooking With Wine. Sometimes I Even Put It in the Food" -- Jane
"Protons Have Mass! And I Didn't Even Know They Were Catholic" -- Steve
"Never Go to Bed Mad. Stay Up and Fight" -- John Pope.
"The Secret to Life: Breathe In. Breathe Out. Repeat" -- Jay McCarthy.
"A Dog's Parents Never Visit" -- Richard Miller.
"Retired -- I Was Tired Yesterday and I'm Tired Again Today" -- a male voice
on my voice-mail.
"You Spend the First Two Years of Their Lives Teaching Them to Walk and Talk
-- and the Next 16 Telling Them to Sit Down and Shut Up" -- Martin Randolph.
"I Killed a Six-Pack Just to See It Die" -- John McNamara of Hyattsville,
who noticed this one while tramping along the boardwalk in Ocean City.
"Will the Information Superhighway Have Rest Stops?" -- Gillian Mills of New
"Your Kisses Left Something to be Desired -- the Rest of You!" -- Bill
Manigault, another Ocean City stroller who saw it on the boardwalk.
"Don't Hate Yourself in the Morning -- Sleep Till Noon" -- an e-mailer named
"Madness Takes Its Toll -- Please Have Exact Change" -- Athena Knight of
"Though I Look Old, Yet I Am Strong and Lusty" -- originally the brainstorm
of an Englishman named William Shakespeare ("As You Like It," Act 2, Scene
3), seen aboard someone's chest at Camden Yards by Dave Smith.
"Warning! I'm Two!" -- Shirley Franklin of Temple Hills, who saw it aboard
her 2-year-old grandson for a good reason: She bought it for him.
"The Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate. 1. . . " -- Reuven and Rachel Goren.
"My Back Goes Out More Than I Do" -- "A grandmother from Bethesda."
"You Can Either Agree With Me or Be Wrong" -- Lex Martin of Northwest
"If Jimmy Cracks Corn and Nobody Cares, Why Is There a Song About Him?" --
Arthur Reidell of Northwest Washington.
"Now How Did Our Oil Get Under Their Country?" -- Paul G. Maiorana of
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time" --
"I Can't Be Overdrawn! I Still Have Some Checks" -- Hazel A. Garland of
"OK, Who Put a 'Stop Payment' on My Reality Check?" -- Karen Reznek.
And finally. . . .
"Take My Advice -- I'm Not Using It" -- Bernard Yaboff of Bethesda.
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