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The 31 Days of Hallowe'en - Attack of the Movie Monsters

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  • brent wodehouse
    http://www.bathroomreader.com ATTACK OF THE MOVIE MONSTERS *Look out! They re coming your way! And they re hungry!! Whether they re spawned from radiation,
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 30 9:40 PM
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      *Look out! They're coming your way! And they're hungry!!

      Whether they're spawned from radiation, spurt acid
      blood, or have simply come from outer space to eat
      your brains and take over you body, we can't get
      enough of these science fiction film monsters. Here
      are some of our favorites - and what makes us love to
      hate (and fear) them.


      *Monsters*: The Aliens
      *From*: 'Alien', 1979, and three additional sequels
      *Description*: Toothy, reptilian chewing factories with
      two sets of jaws and acidic blood.
      *Hobbies*: Lurking in shadows, capturing humans to use
      as incubators, gestating in your chest.
      *What's their story?* They were discovered by a group of
      space truckers, one of whom had a larval version slither
      down his throat and then pop out of his chest a few days
      later. These aliens grow quickly, are always hungry, and
      like nothing better than to slither up to a human skull
      and use their second set of jaws like a bottle opener to
      get at the good stuff inside. In later films we learn that
      the aliens are part of a hive society, with a big, very
      nasty queen at the top. Individual aliens aren't
      particularly smart, but they sure are mean, so often the
      humans have to get rid of them by detonating entire ships
      or human colonies. This makes the battle not very cost-
      effective for the humans.
      *Can they be killed?* Sure, just don't get any of their
      blood on you, or it'll eat right through you arm.


      *Monsters*: Arachnids
      *From*: 'Starship Troopers', 1997
      *Description*: Think of a 12-foot-high cross between a
      crab and a spider with razor blade legs and you're in the
      general ballpark.
      *Hobbies*: Going to war with humans, impaling humans
      on their legs like screaming cocktail weenies on a
      toothpick, and picking said humans' brains (literally).
      *What's their story?* Think of it as a real estate
      squabble. Humans want more planets to live on, and so
      do the arachnids, but both groups have apparently
      forgotten everything learned in kindergarten about the
      concept of "sharing." Arachnids are mean and tough and
      sport cool racing stripes, but more importantly there
      are more of them than there are of us. One memorable
      scene in the movie has an incredible panoramic view of
      thousands of them descending on a couple of dozen
      humans like hungry conventioneers stampeding toward
      the hotel breakfast buffet.
      *Can they be killed?* Yes, they can, but can you kill
      all of them before they put you on the skewer?


      *Monster*: The Blob
      *From*: 'The Blob', 1958, and a 1988 remake
      *Description*: Gelatinous, amoeba-like, sticky.
      *Hobbies*: Extending pseudopods, capturing
      unsuspecting creatures, surrounding and ingesting said
      creatures, terrorizing sleepy mountain towns.
      *What's its story?* It was just your average smear of
      space goo hitching a ride on a meteor, when that meteor
      crashed into Earth. The blob looked out (so to speak),
      adjudged our planet to be a really nice smorgasbord,
      and started snacking. Tried the humans, found them to
      be magically delicious. The humans didn't like this, of
      course, but, look, everyone needs to spend a little time
      on a middle rung of the food chain. Fortunately for the
      Blob, it was discovered first by moody teenagers (in
      both the 1958 and 1988 versions) whose warnings
      were ignored by adults, thereby giving the blob plenty
      of time to snack before it had to go away.
      *Can it be killed?* Well, it can be frozen into
      immobility, which was good enough for the original
      movie; they froze the Blob and dropped it off at the
      North Pole. In the 1950s, apparently, no one worried
      at all about the possibility of global warming.


      *Monsters*: The Body Snatchers
      *From*: 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers,' 1956, and a
      1978 remake
      *Description*: Before: Large, podlike things. After:
      Look in mirror.
      *Hobbies*: Refining, to the nth degree, the idea that
      "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."
      *What's their story?* Here's what these invaders
      would say: We're just humble podlike entities, trying
      to make our way in the world like so many others.
      We're really more interested in your story. You seem so
      interesting. And you have such nice things! We wish we
      could be just like you. No, we don't know why everyone
      else in town is acting kind of funny. You're just
      imagining things. You know, you look tired. Why don't
      you take a nap? Here, we fixed you a nice, warm glass
      of milk. With some Xanax.
      *Can they be killed?* Not all of them. Stay awake, pal.


      *Monster*: The Chick from 'Species'
      *From*: 'Species,' 1995, and 'Species II,' 1998
      *Description*: Totally hot babe, except when she's
      showing her alien side, in which case she's a totally
      hot babe with sharp spikes.
      *Hobbies*:Going to clubs, meeting guys, and killing
      them after she's, um, "retrieved their genetic
      *What's her story?* Human scientists get a message
      from space that says, more or less, "Hi there! Here's
      the DNA recipe for one of our kind. Combine it with
      your own DNA for extra fun! It's just like making sea
      monkeys!" But of course, the end result wasn't like
      sea monkeys at all. It was like a super-hot babe with
      an insane biological urge to procreate, who was not
      above killing a few measly humans who got in the way
      of her breeding program. Maternal instinct? She's got
      it, man. The moral: The next time aliens come to your
      door selling DNA, just say no!
      *Can she be killed?* Sure; the question is whether
      you killed her before she spawned.


      *Monster*: Godzilla
      *From*: 'Godzilla,' 1956, plus too many sequels to
      count, including a 1998 American remake
      *Description*: Huge, radioactivley mutated lizard
      with fire breath.
      *Hobbies*: Stomping on Tokyo, screeching, belching
      fire, and battling other large, mutated creatures,
      preferably near a major population center.
      *What's its story?* In the original 1956 version,
      Godzilla was a Jurassic-era dinosaur, mutated by nuclear
      bomb tests carried out by the American military.
      Godzilla then goes on to wreak havoc on Japan despite
      the furious opposition of the Japanese military. Really,
      you don't need a road map to figure out the symbolism
      there. In innumerable sequels, Godzilla would return,
      sometimes to wreak havoc, but sometimes to save
      Japan from some other hideous mutated creature. Hey,
      Japan is Godzilla's territory, you lousy monsters! Go
      over there and wreck Hong Kong! In 1998, a souped-up
      version of Godzilla rampaged through New York and
      terrorized Matthew Broderick, but it wasn't the same.
      *Can if be killed?* In the original movie, Godzilla was
      defeated by a scientist who unleashes a machine called
      the Oxygen Destroyer. Two dozen sequels make it clear
      that while you can knock Godzilla down, you can't ever
      really knock him out.


      *Monster*: The Predator
      *From*: 'Predator,' 1987, and 'Predator 2,' 1990
      *Description*: Humanoid, technologically advanced, in
      serious need of first-rate orthodontic work.
      *Hobbies*: Exploring strange new worlds, seeking out
      new life and new civilizations, and then hunting down
      members of those civilizations and ripping out their
      spines as trophies.
      *What's its story?* On a hunting trip to the planet
      Earth, the Predator comes across a band of U.S.
      commandos, looks at their weaponry, figures it's not
      a totally unfair fight, and then wipes out all of them
      except the one guy who is contractually guaranteed to
      make it through the film alive (even alien hunters are
      not immune to movie star contracts). In the sequel, the
      Predator changes locales and starts hunting humans in
      L.A., and why not? It was getting crowded anyway.
      This time the government wants to capture it for its
      own nefarious purposes. You can imagine how well that
      works out for the government.
      *Can it be killed?: Yes, though like the bad guys in the
      'Alien' films, killing a Predator usually involves a very
      large explosion.


      *Monsters*: Raptors
      *From*: 'Jurassic Park,' 1993, and two sequels
      *Description*: Human-sized, genetically reengineered
      dinosaurs with really big brains, sharp claws, and
      organizational skills that make Patton look like a lost
      Boy Scout.
      *Hobbies*: Running, leaping, planning ambushes of
      overconfident humans, snacking on same.
      *What's their story?* A large, arrogant genetic
      engineering company decides to bring back the
      dinosaurs to make a quick buck on a theme park, and in
      addition to bringing happy, gentle herbivores, also
      brings back smart, mean, vicious carnivores, because,
      well, they sure are cute! Anyway, it doesn't take long
      for these smart, mean vicious carnivores to deduce that
      humans are soft and chewy, make great snacks - and are
      easy pickin's. And they're easy pickin's over three
      separate movies, so you tell us which is the smarter
      *Can they by killed?* Yes, but if helps if a T. rex does
      it for you.



      An Internet poll of favorite movie monsters ranked the
      "classic" monsters as follows:

      Dracula .............32%
      Mummy ..............26%
      Werewolf .........25%
      Frankenstein ...17%

      The only monster movies that made the American Film
      Institute's list of the top 100 American films of the
      20th century were:

      'King Kong', 1933 * 'Jaws', 1975 * 'Frankenstein', 1931

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