i have certain doubts regarding practices, these doubts comes about
when i was complatating on certain topics.
recently got into meditation on my own with no one guiding.
taking imperemance of matters and mind, unsatisfactory of life as a
topic for meditation over the period of time. i realise the
uselessness of many things in life for they are impermance.
for example in trying to overcome the feeling of lust. i realise
matters and even personality breaks up on death. realising this is
the ultimate truth of what human is, thus i starting to realise what
i lust towards in the past is so insignificant. that helps me to
control my sexual desire a bit.
realising everything bounds to break up even personality, makes me
realise the importance of making advancement in buddhism at this
life time. for chances are we might not hear or accept dhamma in
next life.(pls correct my view if this is wrong)
currently i am persuading a degree. and when i meditate is there a
need for such. i realise ultimately and the end of the day, even if
i did get the degree or not i did not really gain or lose anything.
realising how nice it will be to just concentrate all of those
energy uses in studies of those acadamic subjects to buddhism.
starting to ask myself what i want? till know i cannot give a proper
realising as such, due to reflecting on impermance and
unsatisfactory of life, thoughts of renoucing this life as a monk as
one of the possible paths surfaces a few times over the years.
giving up everything to experience real freedom. however i decided
to finish my education in the university and work few years to repay
back to loan i borrowed before making any future moves.
here comes my questions relating to above passages.
1) if i really do become a monk, how can i still carry on my duty
towards my mother?
for she has single handedly brings me up, provide me with shelter
and proper enviroment to practice dhamma. just felt that its a bit
selfish on my part to just leave to pursuade my aspiration. i feel
that my duty towards her is not fulfill yet.
i have ask for her permission before and she agrees. however at
times i sincerely wonder if she did take my words seriously.
2)realising the fact that everything ultimately is unsatisfactory
and bounds to decay. even mind and personality which make up of
just a curious thought, does that means that even one who attain
stage of sotapanna at this life. is possible of not believing the
dhamma the next life?
if that the case, how can one it be sure that one who attain fruit
of sotapanna in this life who in the next life (due to rebirth loss
of all his past memory and personality) be for sure to be morally
upright to prevent rebirth in lower plane?
for not believing in dhamma might resulted in one doing certain
actions which resulted in unwholesome kamma.
3)sometimes during meditation for sometime concentrating on
breathing, even though i felt relax initially, as time passby often
strange strain occurs around my forehead region, i will ignore it
and carry on breathing exercise, however, after sometime i might
felt inside my skull, slight sensation of it being squeezed. is it
normal? normally i just ignore it till the sensation becomes
unbearable after sometime. is that the correct practice?
thanks in advance for reading such a long post.
please correct my views if its wrong and provides me with necessary
words to shed some light to my paths :)