- Jun 1, 2003Venerable Bikkhus,
This is more a plea for ... I don't really know ... help, assistance, instructions? Please read with compassion and decide in what capacity and what I am seeking.
I've been practicing Buddhadhamma since mid February of this year. Before that I was a physicist, but not as an occupation or profession, just learned.
Just yesterday morning during my meditations, I decided to watch my mind to see where it went and it started examining the atom at a quantum level. During this examination, by all comprehension and cognization it [my mind] couldn't find anything inherent about the particle in which to call it matter. It displayed properties of being solid matter, but the further it examined it by moving into the particle itself, it discovered that nothing at all was there. Then my meditation gong sounded and I came, for lack of thought of a word to use, out of my meditation. On reflecting on this experience I came to the realization that all matter in all of existence is intrinsincly empty, and at that moment I became aware of my observation of reality as a mass of nothingness that exhibited karma.
My problem is that I am now experiencing fear arising within me. I am afraid to continue meditating and I don't really understand this fear. When I do begin meditations, I become extremely distracted by the fear that arises. It's almost as if the fear itself is being generated in order to keep me from meditating.
I don't have a teacher, guru, lama, or master in which to discuss these things. There is a Sangha of sorts where I live, and they were expecting a Geshe to arrive last month, but he has not arrived yet.
I need someone to speak with in this regards because the fear is producing within my mental consciousness a thought that I could go beyond a point where I could, or might, loose touch with my own sanity.
When I was a physicist, I viewed reality as an aggregation of atomic particles, rather than subject/object designation as far as recognizable desigations are concerned. And reasoning is telling me that this training is excellerating my perceptions on reality by the absorption of the Dhamma teachings that I have been reading these few months.
I've already attained an awareness of Impermanence from the grief I experienced by the passing of a friend, and on this awareness became liberated from the grief and pain of attachment. Now I'm beginning to see Impermanence as empty itself.
This just seems almost to too much for me to comprehend. Am I pushing myself to hard? I have no expectations of Enlightenment. Should I stop what I'm doing until I can seek a teacher or master for proper guidence?
Please, do you have any advice. I humbly seek advice and instruction.
With great loving-kindness and compassion,
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