Today’s yo uth are ma rrying fru strations - Part 3
- Today’s youth are marrying frustrations - Part 3
Most parents are obsessed with a wrong notion that making more money and leading a flamboyant life is a symbol of status. They unduly pressurize the children to excel the friends of their age, in the matter of grade scores and other achievements. Many parents are wired to think that certain professions are only status-worthy and only if their children become doctors or engineers, they can lead a high-end life. Some parents compare their kids with others and put down them in the presence of others, not knowing what a heavy damage they are doing. To elicit an example: Ray had two sons, Vijay and Sajay. Vijay was very bright and became a medical doctor. Sajay was average, completed degree and went to a job. Ray always scorned at Sajay for not being as smart as Vijay. Unlike Vijay who had scholarship, Sajay needed finance from the father. Ray severely accused whenever Sajay sought money, “Learn from Vijay; I did not spend for him; he got scholarship. You idiot, is a curse to me, good for nothing fellow, you spoil my money, etc.” Ray’s habitually spoke high of Vijay and rebuked Sajay as an idiot to his friends. Having pushed to limit, at last, Sajay resigned his job, joined a medical school and without even telling the parents until the admission process was complete and became a doctor. Can you relate this to Rebecca’s favoritism to Jacob? Later both the siblings married. The Vijay is ditto of the father in pursuit of making more money, spending 16 hours in office and owning two posh mansions, one kept simply for he could not sell. Sajay and his wife bought a two bed room condominium. The father’s response was, “It is a shame for me to tell others that my son lives in a condominium. Sajay does not live according to Ray’s status dream and casts all problems on Sajay’s wife.” He told the parish Christmas carol party not to go to his home! What a wonderful dad! Ray takes pride claiming “two doctors in my house,” but who can find a remedy to
Vijay’s undisclosed ill-will, thinking his brother a competitor?
Abusive relationship of parents is often the cause of children’s stress. Let me quote a real story I wrote in my article “Fidelity in Marriage.” Dave and Carol is happily married couple for 30 years,
very outgoing, committed, religious, both professionals, gainfully employed with decent salary and investment income. They live in a suburban cozy custom-made home. Dave is a talented artist, composes and teaches songs, mostly religious. Carol is submissive and takes pride in what Dave accomplishes. They have five children, three of them in colleges. Two of them got perfect SAT score entitling free tuition, boarding, lodging and incidental expenses from accredited universities. They are talented in instrumental music, storytelling,
elocution, etc. Thus here is an ideal family. Now the real story unfolds. Soaked in plenty, good health, wealth, talents, fame, etc Dave came into contact with a family, Dennis and Karen who had two children. Dave developed a special liking to Karen, a dream girl of his inner fondness and started secretly meeting often. As the filthy relationship surreptitiously enveloped, a few of their inner-circle friends felt the stink but none exposed it. The unsuspecting Carol was in dark but the teenage children came to know something of their father’s hush deal and broke their heart. How they will confront the mighty father, how to tell fragile mom, how she would take it, what the friends and family would feel, what damage it would cause to the family reputation, etc were nagging questions. They warned Karen. Dave came to know of it and severely threatened the children and they were terrified. The result: the children withdrew from all activities inside and out. One child who had 100% SAT score and fourth year in college free of cost, took it seriously, deep delved in melancholy, lost interest, neglecting studies wandered around to get peace of
mind, finally got fail notice and dropped out. Other children opted to stay out of home when the mother was at work. Unable to attend the lessons, some changed subjects a few time. All the children hated the father. The fornicator had already scammed by secretly taping the encounters in the house and extracted a good deal of money under disguise of loan. Karen even suggested elopement. After sometime Dave fell out of favor of certain close friends resulting in the publication of the tape. The matter spread like wild fire. Carol and children became so embarrassed, shy, dejected and withdrawn. One wonders, Carol did not commit suicide or divorced yet. However, needless to say, she said, “The trust is lost forever, relationship spoiled, family is ruined, I am like a cadaver,” etc. Living under the same roof but in two worlds! Can an honest spouse ever love a dishonest spouse? No. Dave is yet not repentant but shows sad face. Dave lost moral authority over the children!
Instead of spending reasonable time and sharing good moments with the kids, parents provide them with plastic toys and unnecessary luxuries. Parents often forget to provide children “what they need” but make sure to provide “what they want.” Providing unnecessary luxuries to children who are unable to comprehend the value and proper use of those luxuries are more a status symbol for the parents than the kids. Parents give the kids to spend lavishly money which they never worked for. Anything that comes without hard work will lose its value and result in lavish spending which serves a basic reason for later frustrations. By affording such unwanted luxuries the parents are spoiling the future of the kids. The recent cell-phone
episode that led to the death of three young girls in a school and the hue and cry it created in Kerala and the ragging stories peculiar to Kerala are sufficient proof that irresponsible parents are responsible for the grim irony. Parents’ failure to impart proper discipline to the child is the main cause of later frustrations. Those children who grow in physical nourishment and discipline at the same time will surely become good citizens and the parents will not regret and blame others for their own follies. Renowned psychologists
say on the basis of extensive researches, “What a youth of twenty years behave is the fruition of what he/she imbibed at the age of three or even less.” Many parents are conscious to provide their children, the best food, the best dress, the best comforts and the best education possible but miserably fail to bring them up in the Lord’s discipline. The Bible says, “Spare the rod, spoils the child,” “The rod and reproof give wisdom,” Pro 29:15. “He that spares his rod hates his son; but he that loves him chastens him betimes,” Pro 13:24. “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him,” Pro 22:15. “Withhold not correction from the child; for if you beat him with the rod, he shall not die. You shall beat him with the rod and shall deliver his soul from the hell,” Pro 23:13-14. Bucks County Courier Times reported a debate on spanking on Mar 6, 1998. Psychologists, Gail Pedrick
argued in favor of spanking and Irwin Hyman against. The readers overwhelmingly approved spanking. However, this does not mitigate the severity of the problem. Interesting, is it not, to know that Dr. Benjamin Spock, the spokesman against spanking, said we should not spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem. People quickly responded, “Being an expert he knows what he is talking about.” Sarcastically, Dr. Spock could not save his son! His son committed suicide!
KK Johnachen, Philadelphia, 05/18/10.