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Speaking For-Seuss-ly

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  • foxesque
    Hi Y all - A nearby Barony recently held a Speaking For-Seuss-ly bardic competition where you were challenged to write some SCA appropriate bardicness in the
    Message 1 of 5 , Oct 1, 2012
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      Hi Y'all -

      A nearby Barony recently held a "Speaking For-Seuss-ly" bardic competition where you were challenged to write some SCA appropriate bardicness in the style of the Good Doctor. Here was my entry.

      Enjoy!
      Morgan

      p.s. "Blot" is the Norse term for a festival.

      **********

      Every Dane down in Heorot liked to revel a lot
      But the monster who lived just north of Heorot did not
      Grendel hated the Danes and all manly races.
      He hated their homes! He hated their faces!

      He stared from his lake with a sour, Grendel frown
      At the warm lighted windows above in their town.
      For he knew every Dane in that gold-timbered spot
      Was busy now, planning a post-viking blot.

      "They're roasting their cattle!" he snarled with a sneer.
      "Tomorrow's the blot! It's practically here"
      Then he growled, with his troll fingers nervously drumming,
      "I MUST find some way to stop men-folk from coming!"

      For tomorrow, he knew, every Dane-man and Swede
      Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their mead!
      And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
      That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

      Then the Danes, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
      And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
      And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
      They would feast on nut pudding, and fruit, and smoked beast
      Which was something that Grendel couldn't stand in the least!

      And THEN, they'd do something he liked least of all!
      Every Dane up in Heorot, the tall and the small,
      Would sit all together, with drinking horns swinging.
      They'd hark to the skald. And the Danes would start singing!

      They'd sing! And they'd sing! AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
      And the more Grendel thought of this hall-shaking sing,
      The more Grendel thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
      "Why, for many a year I've put up with it now!
      "I must stop this revel from coming! ... But HOW?"

      Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
      THE TROLL GOT A TERRIBLE, AWFUL IDEA!

      "I know just what to do!" Grendel laughed dark and deep.
      "I will wait until all the Danes pass out asleep."
      And he chuckled and clucked, "What a great Grendel spree!
      "With the Danes all asleep, they're like nuts off a tree."

      All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
      All the Danes were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
      When he snuck to the hall of King Hrothgar's Great Chair.
      "This is night number one," Grendel said there and then
      And he raised up his claws, and he slew thirty men.

      The Danes tried to fight, but he brushed them aside.
      No sword-point or arrow could pierce his thick hide.
      Then he slunk through the deer-covered doorway with glee.
      "Pooh-pooh to the Danes! If you'd just let me be."

      And so things were – for twelve long, dark years.
      Until Hrothgar's story reached Beowulf's ears.
      So he gathered his friends with tales of great gains,
      And left the land of the Geats for the land of the Danes.

      "You'll see, my good men," he was happily humming.
      "They're finding out now that Beowulf is coming!"
      "When we meet with Hrothgar, I know just what they'll do!
      "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
      "Then the Danes down in Heorot will all cry WOO-HOO!"

      When they reached the far shores, they met with the guard.
      Their manner was grim and their faces were hard.
      They didn't cry "woo-hoo" to welcome the Geat,
      "Look," they said. "More warriors for Grendel to eat."

      They led Beowulf to the hall to meet with the King
      (Who had saved Beowulf's father at a long ago Thing).
      Hrothgar welcomed the hero and called for a feast.
      "This young man will help us get rid of our beast."

      They boiled beef and chicken. They baked some fresh bread.
      They brought apples and cheese until all were well fed.
      And after the King and his jarls did their toasting,
      They settled on down and started in boasting.

      "I am Beowulf, son of Edgetho, Prince of the Geats,
      "I've done many great deeds, and performed many feats.
      "I battled a sea monster off the Island of Yarna
      "And killed the great wolf that was plaguing Dawlarna
      "I've fought many battles and won many wars,
      "I've killed lots of monsters! Now tell me of yours."

      King Hrothgar sighed and drank from his beer,
      "Whatever they say, Grendel's worse than you hear.
      "We stabbed him with swords! We hit him with bricks!
      "We beat him with polearms and Celt-bashing sticks!

      "But nothing we did had any effect!
      "He just goes on killing my warriors unchecked.
      "The gods have all left us, they don't hear our prayers,
      "And that is how once proud Heorot fares."

      Beowulf put his hand on Hrothgar's heavy shoulder.
      "I will now make my already bold boast still bolder!
      "Not only will I fight this beast and prevail,
      "I will fight with no weapon. I will fight with no maile.
      "I will fight. And I swear I will die if I fail."

      The cheers of the Danes made the great hall's walls shake,
      And it wakened old Grendel below in his lake.
      "They never will learn. No, you can't teach a Dane.
      "I will have to give them a lesson again."

      He waited `til darkness filled up the hall
      And the sounds of the revel stilled to nothing at all.
      Then Grendel said, "It's time!" and he started on up
      Toward the hall where the King lay a-snooze in his cup.

      He tore down the doors, didn't try to be silent,
      Grabbed the first Geat and got frightfully violent.
      Beowulf jumped up and charged with a rush
      And grappled with Grendel in a side-smashing crush.

      The old troll howled, amazed to find
      A mere, little human with strength of this kind.
      They scrapped and scrabbled, they rolled and they wrestled,
      The hall's tables tumbled and the trestles untrestled.

      Grendel tried to run, but Beowulf wouldn't let
      The monster who terrorized Heorot go yet.
      The other men attacked, but their swords went unheeded,
      `Till Beowulf saw the opening he needed.

      He grabbed Grendel's arm, and he gave it a wrench
      When he heard a loud sound like the crack of a bench.
      He turned around fast, and pulled the arm with him,
      And tore off Grendel's shoulder, like a birk from a chithim.

      And what happened then ...? Well ... in Denmark they say
      That Grendel's cruel heart lost three gallons that day.
      And the moment the Geat's grip didn't feel quite so tight,
      He whizzed through the door in the cold, frozen night.
      And all that he left on the floor of the hall
      Was his arm, which Beowulf hung on the wall.
    • Stephen R. Melvin
      Nice! -Rathflaed ____________________________________ Rathflaed DuNoir The Black Bard of Meridiea, MSoB http://www.blackbrd.com http://www.beowulfstory.com
      Message 2 of 5 , Oct 1, 2012
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        Nice!

        -Rathflaed

        ____________________________________
        Rathflaed DuNoir
        The Black Bard of Meridiea, MSoB
        http://www.blackbrd.com
        http://www.beowulfstory.com

        On 10/1/2012 10:58 AM, foxesque wrote:
         

        Hi Y'all -

        A nearby Barony recently held a "Speaking For-Seuss-ly" bardic competition where you were challenged to write some SCA appropriate bardicness in the style of the Good Doctor. Here was my entry.

        Enjoy!
        Morgan

        p.s. "Blot" is the Norse term for a festival.

        **********

        Every Dane down in Heorot liked to revel a lot
        But the monster who lived just north of Heorot did not
        Grendel hated the Danes and all manly races.
        He hated their homes! He hated their faces!

        He stared from his lake with a sour, Grendel frown
        At the warm lighted windows above in their town.
        For he knew every Dane in that gold-timbered spot
        Was busy now, planning a post-viking blot.

        "They're roasting their cattle!" he snarled with a sneer.
        "Tomorrow's the blot! It's practically here"
        Then he growled, with his troll fingers nervously drumming,
        "I MUST find some way to stop men-folk from coming!"

        For tomorrow, he knew, every Dane-man and Swede
        Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their mead!
        And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
        That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

        Then the Danes, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
        And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
        And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
        They would feast on nut pudding, and fruit, and smoked beast
        Which was something that Grendel couldn't stand in the least!

        And THEN, they'd do something he liked least of all!
        Every Dane up in Heorot, the tall and the small,
        Would sit all together, with drinking horns swinging.
        They'd hark to the skald. And the Danes would start singing!

        They'd sing! And they'd sing! AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
        And the more Grendel thought of this hall-shaking sing,
        The more Grendel thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
        "Why, for many a year I've put up with it now!
        "I must stop this revel from coming! ... But HOW?"

        Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
        THE TROLL GOT A TERRIBLE, AWFUL IDEA!

        "I know just what to do!" Grendel laughed dark and deep.
        "I will wait until all the Danes pass out asleep."
        And he chuckled and clucked, "What a great Grendel spree!
        "With the Danes all asleep, they're like nuts off a tree."

        All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
        All the Danes were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
        When he snuck to the hall of King Hrothgar's Great Chair.
        "This is night number one," Grendel said there and then
        And he raised up his claws, and he slew thirty men.

        The Danes tried to fight, but he brushed them aside.
        No sword-point or arrow could pierce his thick hide.
        Then he slunk through the deer-covered doorway with glee.
        "Pooh-pooh to the Danes! If you'd just let me be."

        And so things were – for twelve long, dark years.
        Until Hrothgar's story reached Beowulf's ears.
        So he gathered his friends with tales of great gains,
        And left the land of the Geats for the land of the Danes.

        "You'll see, my good men," he was happily humming.
        "They're finding out now that Beowulf is coming!"
        "When we meet with Hrothgar, I know just what they'll do!
        "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
        "Then the Danes down in Heorot will all cry WOO-HOO!"

        When they reached the far shores, they met with the guard.
        Their manner was grim and their faces were hard.
        They didn't cry "woo-hoo" to welcome the Geat,
        "Look," they said. "More warriors for Grendel to eat."

        They led Beowulf to the hall to meet with the King
        (Who had saved Beowulf's father at a long ago Thing).
        Hrothgar welcomed the hero and called for a feast.
        "This young man will help us get rid of our beast."

        They boiled beef and chicken. They baked some fresh bread.
        They brought apples and cheese until all were well fed.
        And after the King and his jarls did their toasting,
        They settled on down and started in boasting.

        "I am Beowulf, son of Edgetho, Prince of the Geats,
        "I've done many great deeds, and performed many feats.
        "I battled a sea monster off the Island of Yarna
        "And killed the great wolf that was plaguing Dawlarna
        "I've fought many battles and won many wars,
        "I've killed lots of monsters! Now tell me of yours."

        King Hrothgar sighed and drank from his beer,
        "Whatever they say, Grendel's worse than you hear.
        "We stabbed him with swords! We hit him with bricks!
        "We beat him with polearms and Celt-bashing sticks!

        "But nothing we did had any effect!
        "He just goes on killing my warriors unchecked.
        "The gods have all left us, they don't hear our prayers,
        "And that is how once proud Heorot fares."

        Beowulf put his hand on Hrothgar's heavy shoulder.
        "I will now make my already bold boast still bolder!
        "Not only will I fight this beast and prevail,
        "I will fight with no weapon. I will fight with no maile.
        "I will fight. And I swear I will die if I fail."

        The cheers of the Danes made the great hall's walls shake,
        And it wakened old Grendel below in his lake.
        "They never will learn. No, you can't teach a Dane.
        "I will have to give them a lesson again."

        He waited `til darkness filled up the hall
        And the sounds of the revel stilled to nothing at all.
        Then Grendel said, "It's time!" and he started on up
        Toward the hall where the King lay a-snooze in his cup.

        He tore down the doors, didn't try to be silent,
        Grabbed the first Geat and got frightfully violent.
        Beowulf jumped up and charged with a rush
        And grappled with Grendel in a side-smashing crush.

        The old troll howled, amazed to find
        A mere, little human with strength of this kind.
        They scrapped and scrabbled, they rolled and they wrestled,
        The hall's tables tumbled and the trestles untrestled.

        Grendel tried to run, but Beowulf wouldn't let
        The monster who terrorized Heorot go yet.
        The other men attacked, but their swords went unheeded,
        `Till Beowulf saw the opening he needed.

        He grabbed Grendel's arm, and he gave it a wrench
        When he heard a loud sound like the crack of a bench.
        He turned around fast, and pulled the arm with him,
        And tore off Grendel's shoulder, like a birk from a chithim.

        And what happened then ...? Well ... in Denmark they say
        That Grendel's cruel heart lost three gallons that day.
        And the moment the Geat's grip didn't feel quite so tight,
        He whizzed through the door in the cold, frozen night.
        And all that he left on the floor of the hall
        Was his arm, which Beowulf hung on the wall.


      • jenny tavernier
        Haha! Had a good chuckle at that!!  Thanks for posting! Jenneth - Bard of the PickleBowl   I am dreams older than trees brooks laughing cupping kisses
        Message 3 of 5 , Oct 1, 2012
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          Haha!

          Had a good chuckle at that!! 
          Thanks for posting!

          Jenneth - Bard of the PickleBowl
           
          I am dreams
          older than trees
          brooks laughing
          cupping kisses
          baskets of  clouds to quilt  star-stories on
          with rain needles
          jht



        • Aneleda Falconbridge
          Absolutely wonderful! =) Thank you for sharing it - it was a lot of fun to read! I love it! I think it would be a SMASHING children s book! =) Our friend had
          Message 4 of 5 , Oct 2, 2012
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            Absolutely wonderful! =) Thank you for sharing it - it was a lot of fun to read!

            I love it! I think it would be a SMASHING children's book! =)


            Our friend had lived for a long while under threat of a Seuss styled scroll text, and thought she was safe from the running gag about it.

            However, when the day came for her to receive a Maunche for brewing, my friend and compatriot Jean du Montagne and I wrote a scroll for Lady Sylvia duVey in that very style. We performed it in court and the illumniator, Lady Damiana de Crechenzio, had found a quite Seuss-like period design of trees and houses in trees which she used in the scroll. We read the thing back and forth, answering each other's questions. Sylvia (and the royals) were wiping tears of laughter away. It was one of the best performances we ever had, I think. (And it only took about two lines for it to sink in. She couldn't even look us in the face. For the win!!)

            You can see the scroll here: http://mbouchard.com/aneleda/lady-sylvias-maunche-text

            The text is below. =)

            - Aneleda

            Lady Sylvia’s Maunche Text
            by Jean du Montagne and Aneleda Falconbridge

            That Lady Vey
            That Lady Vey
            How we do like that Lady Vey!

            Shall we now praise her Brew array?
            Oh How we like them, Lady Vey!

            Would we like them here, or there?
            We would like them anywhere!

            A beer, a beer, a beer, a beer
            She surely makes a fine brown beer!

            An ale, an ale, a hale pale ale
            In brewing one she would not fail!

            She can make an Allis Mead!
            Taste it! It is what you need!

            She has spicy metheglin,
            who’s taste will make you warm within!

            Have ye had Potus Ypocras?
            I wish’d I had a bigger glass!

            Hast had blueberry mealomel?
            It made me leap like a gazelle!

            Berry cordial sweet and fine?
            I tell my friends that bottle’s mine!

            I muse upon her cyser gold…
            No apple’s better used, all told!

            And can she make a pyment too?
            Oh Yes, that Lady Vey can brew!

            Does she know of the content?
            And how to bottle and ferment?
            She compounds with a sure intent,
            and all sure facts she can present.

            Oh She can bottle and ferment!
            And measure alcohol percent!

            But does this lady document?
            That task she’d never circumvent!

            Ah! Can she clear the heady brew?
            False cloying mung she does subdue!

            Well, Does she know the kinds of yeast?
            More than good huntsmen know of beast!

            She is friend of bard and bee!

            She is friend of you and me!

            Fill up your cups and you will see!

            Shall she join the Maunche’s Order?
            It is here writ by recorder!

            At this Bardic for King and Queen
            In February winter mean
            On the fifth day, which thus arrived
            Anno Sociatitis forty-five.

            In Endewearde’s most festive hall
            Among her friends, yes, one and all!
            At the fine Bardic event,
            Which her gifts did help cement.

            How we do like that Lady Vey!
            Thusly she is a Maunch this day.

            As we like our King and Queen-a,
            Kind Griffith, fair Aikaterine-a.

            So we give it to their hands,
            signed by rulers of these lands.

            --- In SCA_BARDS@yahoogroups.com, "foxesque" <Foxesque@...> wrote:
            >
            > Hi Y'all -
            >
            > A nearby Barony recently held a "Speaking For-Seuss-ly" bardic competition where you were challenged to write some SCA appropriate bardicness in the style of the Good Doctor. Here was my entry.
            >
            > Enjoy!
            > Morgan
            >
            > p.s. "Blot" is the Norse term for a festival.
            > <snip>
          • Lori Olcott
            How fun!!  I m glad the scroll was so well received, and rightly so. ... scroll text, and thought she was safe from the running gag about it.   **********
            Message 5 of 5 , Oct 3, 2012
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              How fun!!  I'm glad the scroll was so well received, and rightly so.

              >Our friend had lived for a long while under threat of a Seuss styled
              scroll text, and thought she was safe from the running gag about it.

               
              **********
              When was the last time you did something for the first time?
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