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vetting

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  • Michael Dixon
    Since you asked for opinions, there are a couple of things that stick out. Remember that I am armchair quarterbacking; it is easy for me to make suggestions
    Message 1 of 6 , Sep 30, 2004
      Since you asked for opinions, there are a couple of things that stick out. Remember that I am armchair quarterbacking; it is easy for me to make suggestions when I did not have to write the entire poem. I like what you have done here.

      It's not just the last couplet... the last 3 stanzas are very good. The last one rocks.

      About specific parts of the poem:

      That you have craved so fiercely to attain.

      I don't think you do the King's honor a service with this line. I would consider something like: `That you have strived with honor to attain'.


      And so you work and fight and bravely meet
      Each foe, and celebrate each win you gain.

      Are these two lines about Crown Tourney? If so, you are shifting tenses from past (craved) to present (work, fight, celebrate)


      You mount the throne: and now to you all bow.

      This line is a little convoluted. My brain is thinking make it a single thought, such as, `You mount the throne to which all nobles bow '.


      For now the fight is simply to remain.

      Remain what? Remain where? Remain how? I assume you mean the fight is to remain seated on this wild beast, bs I read this, I asked `Ooh, do they depose kings in the Midrealm?' (That would be scary...`Great job in Crown, but you're fired. Clean out your footstool.')


      To keep your seat, you must, with greatest care,

      Same issue here; is being unseated the same as being deposed?


      You said you were asked to present this at coronation, but had not agreed yet.  Agree to it, my lady. It is an opportunity to honor your Crown. Also, thinking like a viking,  wordfame being offered to you.

      Kind Regards,


      Toki Redbeard
    • Michael B. Greenstein
      ... [I don t think you do the King s honor a service with this line. I would consider something like: `That you have strived with honor to attain .] Striven
      Message 2 of 6 , Sep 30, 2004
        >That you have craved so fiercely to attain.

        [I don't think you do the King's honor a service with this line. I would
        consider something like: `That you have strived with honor to attain'.]

        "Striven fiercely," perhaps? That keeps the scansion and the imagery of 'hot pursuit,' that the piece demands, and acknowledges the effort while leaving the goal unspoken (and unassumed).

        [You said you were asked to present this at coronation, but had not agreed
        yet. Agree to it, my lady. It is an opportunity to honor your Crown. Also,
        thinking like a viking, wordfame being offered to you.]

        Well put. It is likewise an opportunity to educate both present and future Royals in a small, unobtrusive fashion. It is good to remind the Throne now and then (and those who will someday seek it) of the responsibility of the position as well as its glory.

        - Michael
      • June A Swinford
        I chose that word crave VERY carefully, for my own reasons, and it said exactly what I wanted it to say. Maybe they weren t the best reasons, but they were
        Message 3 of 6 , Sep 30, 2004
          I chose that word "crave" VERY carefully, for my own reasons, and it said exactly what I wanted it to say.  Maybe they weren't the best reasons, but they were reasons.
           
          The furthest away from "crave" that I'm willing to go is....
           
          "The Dragon Throne of Midrealm is the seat
          That you have fought so fiercely to attain."
           
          As for reading it at court... still thinking about it.  The drawback is that I don't give two hoots about performing poetry in public; I prefer to write it and send it on its way without dragging myself along with it.
           
          Cecilia

           
          On Thu, 30 Sep 2004 07:47:11 -0400 (GMT-04:00) "Michael B. Greenstein" <greenstein@...> writes:
          >That you have craved so fiercely to attain.

          [I don't think you do the King's honor a service with this line. I would
          consider something like: `That you have strived with honor to attain'.]

          "Striven fiercely," perhaps?  That keeps the scansion and the imagery of 'hot pursuit,' that the piece demands, and acknowledges the effort while leaving the goal unspoken (and unassumed).

          [You said you were asked to present this at coronation, but had not agreed
          yet.  Agree to it, my lady. It is an opportunity to honor your Crown. Also,
          thinking like a viking,  wordfame being offered to you.]

          Well put.  It is likewise an opportunity to educate both present and future Royals in a small, unobtrusive fashion.  It is good to remind the Throne now and then (and those who will someday seek it) of the responsibility of the position as well as its glory.

          - Michael



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          **************************************

          Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity
                         ---- Hanlon's Razor
        • June A Swinford
          Or sought. That would work, too. Cecilia On Thu, 30 Sep 2004 09:17:23 -0400 June A Swinford writes: I chose that word crave VERY
          Message 4 of 6 , Sep 30, 2004
            Or sought.  That would work, too.
            Cecilia
             
             
            On Thu, 30 Sep 2004 09:17:23 -0400 June A Swinford <jallenecs@...> writes:
            I chose that word "crave" VERY carefully, for my own reasons, and it said exactly what I wanted it to say.  Maybe they weren't the best reasons, but they were reasons.
             
            The furthest away from "crave" that I'm willing to go is....
             
            "The Dragon Throne of Midrealm is the seat
            That you have fought so fiercely to attain."
             
            As for reading it at court... still thinking about it.  The drawback is that I don't give two hoots about performing poetry in public; I prefer to write it and send it on its way without dragging myself along with it.
             
            Cecilia

             
            On Thu, 30 Sep 2004 07:47:11 -0400 (GMT-04:00) "Michael B. Greenstein" <greenstein@...> writes:
            >That you have craved so fiercely to attain.

            [I don't think you do the King's honor a service with this line. I would
            consider something like: `That you have strived with honor to attain'.]

            "Striven fiercely," perhaps?  That keeps the scansion and the imagery of 'hot pursuit,' that the piece demands, and acknowledges the effort while leaving the goal unspoken (and unassumed).

            [You said you were asked to present this at coronation, but had not agreed
            yet.  Agree to it, my lady. It is an opportunity to honor your Crown. Also,
            thinking like a viking,  wordfame being offered to you.]

            Well put.  It is likewise an opportunity to educate both present and future Royals in a small, unobtrusive fashion.  It is good to remind the Throne now and then (and those who will someday seek it) of the responsibility of the position as well as its glory.

            - Michael



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            **************************************

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            **************************************

            Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity
                           ---- Hanlon's Razor
          • Umass Mail
            so. a skald is different than a bard. in so saying, I understand the word crave and have witnessed the damage done by those who crave either the Thrones or
            Message 5 of 6 , Sep 30, 2004
              so.
              a skald is different than a bard.
              in so saying, I understand the word "crave" and have witnessed the damage done by those who crave either the Thrones or Elevation to Peerage. It is ugly and it happens.
               
              You may want to consider whether it would be taken personally by your King, and whether that is what you meant. I am not counseling either way, but it helps make an educated decision about your actions.
               
              Selena D'Ambra
              Skald
               
               
              -- Original Message -----
              Sent: Thursday, September 30, 2004 9:27 AM
              Subject: Re: [SCA_BARDS] vetting

              Or sought.  That would work, too.
              Cecilia
               
               
              On Thu, 30 Sep 2004 09:17:23 -0400 June A Swinford <jallenecs@...> writes:
              I chose that word "crave" VERY carefully, for my own reasons, and it said exactly what I wanted it to say.  Maybe they weren't the best reasons, but they were reasons.
               
              The furthest away from "crave" that I'm willing to go is....
               
              "The Dragon Throne of Midrealm is the seat
              That you have fought so fiercely to attain."
               
              As for reading it at court... still thinking about it.  The drawback is that I don't give two hoots about performing poetry in public; I prefer to write it and send it on its way without dragging myself along with it.
               
              Cecilia

               
              On Thu, 30 Sep 2004 07:47:11 -0400 (GMT-04:00) "Michael B. Greenstein" <greenstein@...> writes:
              >That you have craved so fiercely to attain.

              [I don't think you do the King's honor a service with this line. I would
              consider something like: `That you have strived with honor to attain'.]

              "Striven fiercely," perhaps?  That keeps the scansion and the imagery of 'hot pursuit,' that the piece demands, and acknowledges the effort while leaving the goal unspoken (and unassumed).

              [You said you were asked to present this at coronation, but had not agreed
              yet.  Agree to it, my lady. It is an opportunity to honor your Crown. Also,
              thinking like a viking,  wordfame being offered to you.]

              Well put.  It is likewise an opportunity to educate both present and future Royals in a small, unobtrusive fashion.  It is good to remind the Throne now and then (and those who will someday seek it) of the responsibility of the position as well as its glory.

              - Michael



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              **************************************

              Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity
                             ---- Hanlon's Razor


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              **************************************

              Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity
                             ---- Hanlon's Razor


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            • June A Swinford
              I think I ll go with sought instead of crave. The fact is, I have a very negative opinion of the quality of King that occasionally sits the throne, (and
              Message 6 of 6 , Sep 30, 2004
                I think I'll go with "sought" instead of "crave."  The fact is, I have a very negative opinion of the quality of King that occasionally sits the throne, (and the quality of some Knights who enter the Tourney) and it is being reflected by my word choice. 
                 
                I REALLY wish I could write a song or poetry, that skewers those types of Kings, and Those types of Knights (without harming the Kings and Knights that I have encountered who are EVERYTHING good).  maybe I'll give that a try.  It would probably be political suicide.  But then again, there are those who think my Ambition poem was suicidal (or at least it brought out the homicidal in others)..... <G>
                 
                BTW: when i said I didn't give two hoots about performing poetry in public, that was not a criticism of those who DO enjoy performing in publc.  That was meant to reflect a PERSONAL choice; I prefer to sing or play in public, rather than recite.  I enjoy hearing poetry performed by others, and have never failed to be edified and entertained; it's just not generally MY thing, though I can do it when necessary (and actually did it this past weekend, my first time in a VERY long time)
                 
                Cecilia
                 
                 
                 
                On Thu, 30 Sep 2004 10:21:01 -0400 Umass Mail <skaplan4@...> writes:
                so.
                a skald is different than a bard.
                in so saying, I understand the word "crave" and have witnessed the damage done by those who crave either the Thrones or Elevation to Peerage. It is ugly and it happens.
                 
                You may want to consider whether it would be taken personally by your King, and whether that is what you meant. I am not counseling either way, but it helps make an educated decision about your actions.
                 
                Selena D'Ambra
                Skald
                 
                 
                 

                **************************************

                Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity
                               ---- Hanlon's Razor
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