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Fw: Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain

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  • kent morris
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 14, 2008
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      > http://www.theonion.com/content/news/evolutionists_flock_to_darwin
      > Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain
      > September 5, 2008
      > DAYTON, TN A steady stream of devoted evolutionists continued to
      > gather in this small Tennessee town today to witness what many believe is
      > an image of Charles Darwin, author of The Origin Of Species and founder
      > of the modern evolutionary movement, made manifest on a concrete wall in
      > downtown Dayton.
      > "I brought my baby to touch the wall, so that the power of Darwin can
      > purify her genetic makeup of undesirable inherited traits," said Darlene
      > Freiberg, one among a growing crowd assembled here to see the mysterious
      > stain, which appeared last Monday on one side of the Rhea County
      > Courthouse. The building was also the location of the famed "Scopes
      > Monkey Trial" and is widely considered one of Darwinism's holiest sites.
      > "Forgive me, O Charles, for ever doubting your Divine Evolution. After
      > seeing this miracle of limestone pigmentation with my own eyes, my faith
      > in empirical reasoning will never again be tested."
      > Added Freiberg, "Behold the power and glory of the scientific method!"
      > Since witnesses first reported the unexplained marking "which appears
      > to resemble a 19th-century male figure with a high forehead and large
      > beard" this normally quiet town has become a hotbed of biological
      > zealotry. Thousands of pilgrims from as far away as Berkeley's
      > paleoanthropology department have flocked to the site to lay wreaths of
      > flowers, light devotional candles, read aloud from Darwin's works, and
      > otherwise pay homage to the mysterious blue-green stain.
      > Capitalizing on the influx of empirical believers, street vendors have
      > sprung up across Dayton, selling evolutionary relics and artwork to the
      > thousands of pilgrims waiting to catch a glimpse of the image. Available
      > for sale are everything from small wooden shards alleged to be fragments
      > of the "One True Beagle" the research vessel on which Darwin made his
      > legendary voyage to the Galapagos Islands to lecture notes purportedly
      > touched by English evolutionist Alfred Russel Wallace.
      > "I have never felt closer to Darwin's ideas," said zoologist Fred
      > Granger, who waited in line for 16 hours to view the stain. "May his name
      > be praised and his theories on natural selection echo in all the halls of
      > naturalistic observation forever."
      > Despite the enthusiasm the so-called "Darwin Smudge" has generated
      > among the evolutionary faithful, disagreement remains as to its origin.
      > Some believe the image is actually closer to the visage of Stephen Jay
      > Gould, longtime columnist for Natural History magazine and originator of
      > the theory of punctuated equilibrium, and is therefore proof of rapid
      > cladogenesis. A smaller minority contend it is the face of Carl Sagan,
      > and should be viewed as a warning to those nonbelievers who have not yet
      > seen his hit PBS series Cosmos: A Personal Voyage.
      > Still others have attempted to discredit the miracle entirely, claiming
      > that there are several alternate explanations for the appearance of the
      > unexplained discoloration.
      > "It's a stain on a wall, and nothing more," said the Rev. Clement
      > McCoy, a professor at Oral Roberts University and prominent opponent of
      > evolutionary theory. "Anything else is the delusional fantasy of a
      > fanatical evolutionist mindset that sees only what it wishes to see in
      > the hopes of validating a baseless, illogical belief system. I only hope
      > these heretics see the error of their ways before our Most Powerful God
      > smites them all in His vengeance."
      > But those who have made the long journey to Dayton remain steadfast in
      > their belief that natural selection "a process by which certain genes
      > are favored over others less conducive to survival" is the one and only
      > creator of life as we know it. This stain, they claim, is the proof they
      > have been waiting for.
      > "To those who would deny that genetic drift is responsible for a
      > branching evolutionary tree of increasing biodiversity amid changing
      > ecosystems, we say, 'Look upon the face of Darwin!'" said Jeanette
      > Cosgrove, who, along with members of her microbiology class, has
      > maintained a candlelight vigil at the site for the past 72 hours.
      > "Over millions of successive generations, a specific subvariant of one
      > species of slime mold adapted to this particular concrete wall, in order
      > to one day form this stain, and thus make manifest this vision of
      > Darwin's glorious countenance," Cosgrove said, overcome with emotion.
      > "It's a miracle," she added.
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