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FW: How to be an Ohioan

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  • Popplestone, Ann
    This came through on another list, and I thought I d share this analysis of my home state . ... accepted. ... every ... a ... bratwurst ... your ... Fort
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 6, 2003
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      This came through on another list, and I thought I'd share this analysis
      of my home state <g>.






      > How to be an Ohioan
      > After five decades of living in Ohio, I know
      > how to be an Ohioan. While I was learning, written guidelines would
      > have been helpful. So I've written some to assist others:
      >
      > 1. Know the state casserole. The State casserole consists of canned
      > green beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You
      > can safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you
      > will be
      accepted.
      > In fact, Neil Armstrong almost took this casserole to the moon in case

      > he encountered alien life there. NASA nixed the plan out of concern
      > that the casserole would overburden the Apollo rocket at liftoff.
      >
      > 2. Get used to food festivals. The Ohio General Assembly, in an effort

      > to grow bigger offensive linemen, passed legislation years ago
      > requiring
      every
      > incorporated community to have at least one festival per year
      > dedicated to
      a
      > high-fat food. Thus, Sugarcreek honors Swiss cheese, Bucyrus has a
      bratwurst
      > celebration and Gahanna, seeking an edge over other towns, has
      > recently introduced the Triglyceride and Low density Lipoprotein
      > Festival. It is
      your
      > duty as an Ohioan to attend these festivals and at least buy an
      > elephant ear.
      >
      > 3. Know the geography. Of Florida, I mean. I've run into Ohioans who
      > couldn't tell you where Toledo is but they know the exact distance
      > from
      Fort
      > Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Ohioans go to Florida in
      > the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired
      > Ohioans who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be the
      > Lower Peninsula of Ohio.
      >
      > 4. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state
      excuse,
      > which is that you stay here because you like the change of seasons.
      > You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.
      >
      > 5. Speaking of Ohio weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember
      about
      > Ohio seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have spring-like
      > days
      in
      > January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providing
      > a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period For these
      > reasons, Ohio is the Layering Capital of the World. Even
      layering,
      > however, can pose danger Golfers have been known to dress for
      > hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip

      > off their
      layers
      > of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.
      >
      > 6. Don't take Ohio place names literally. Upper Sandusky is below
      > regular Sandusky. Circleville is square. East Liverpool has no
      > counterpart to the west. Also, if a town has the same name as a
      > foreign capital... Lima or Berlin or Louisville, for example......you
      > must not pronounce it that way lest
      you
      > come under suspicion as a spy. Hence, it's not LEE-ma as in Peru, but
      LYE-ma
      > as in bean, and it's BER-lin, not Ber-LIN, like in Germany. Louisville

      > in Ohio is pronounced Looisville, not Looeyville as in Kentucky.
      >
      > 7. Become mulch literate. Ohioans love mulch and appreciate its subtle

      > differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine
      > bark
      at
      > a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity with mulch derives
      > from
      its
      > relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for
      > topography,
      and
      > when it can't be supplied naturally, they are more likely to make
      > little mulch hillocks in their front yards.
      >
      > 8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Ohio, you have to be

      > knowledgeable on three levels -- professional, college and high
      > school. The truly expert Ohio sports fan knows not only
      the
      > name of the hotshot quarterback at Abercrombie Fitch High School, but
      > also what colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, who
      > he took
      to
      > the prom and what he got on his biology quiz last week.
      >
      > 9. Remember that Ohioans are never the first to embrace trends. When
      > we do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For
      > example, if you
      see
      > an Ohioan with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it
      > undercoated
      to
      > guard against rust.
      >
      > 10. The best way to sell something in Ohio is to attach the term
      > "Amish"
      to
      > it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the
      > existence of Amish moo shu pork.
      >
      > I hope you found this guide to be useful. If it offends you, please
      > let
      me
      > know and I will bring green bean casserole to your home to make
      > amends
      >
      >
      >
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