FW: How to be an Ohioan
- This came through on another list, and I thought I'd share this analysis
of my home state <g>.
> How to be an Ohioanaccepted.
> After five decades of living in Ohio, I know
> how to be an Ohioan. While I was learning, written guidelines would
> have been helpful. So I've written some to assist others:
> 1. Know the state casserole. The State casserole consists of canned
> green beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You
> can safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you
> will be
> In fact, Neil Armstrong almost took this casserole to the moon in caseevery
> he encountered alien life there. NASA nixed the plan out of concern
> that the casserole would overburden the Apollo rocket at liftoff.
> 2. Get used to food festivals. The Ohio General Assembly, in an effort
> to grow bigger offensive linemen, passed legislation years ago
> incorporated community to have at least one festival per yeara
> dedicated to
> high-fat food. Thus, Sugarcreek honors Swiss cheese, Bucyrus has abratwurst
> celebration and Gahanna, seeking an edge over other towns, hasyour
> recently introduced the Triglyceride and Low density Lipoprotein
> Festival. It is
> duty as an Ohioan to attend these festivals and at least buy anFort
> elephant ear.
> 3. Know the geography. Of Florida, I mean. I've run into Ohioans who
> couldn't tell you where Toledo is but they know the exact distance
> Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Ohioans go to Florida inexcuse,
> the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired
> Ohioans who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be the
> Lower Peninsula of Ohio.
> 4. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state
> which is that you stay here because you like the change of seasons.about
> You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.
> 5. Speaking of Ohio weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember
> Ohio seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have spring-likein
> January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providinglayering,
> a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period For these
> reasons, Ohio is the Layering Capital of the World. Even
> however, can pose danger Golfers have been known to dress forlayers
> hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip
> off their
> of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.you
> 6. Don't take Ohio place names literally. Upper Sandusky is below
> regular Sandusky. Circleville is square. East Liverpool has no
> counterpart to the west. Also, if a town has the same name as a
> foreign capital... Lima or Berlin or Louisville, for example......you
> must not pronounce it that way lest
> come under suspicion as a spy. Hence, it's not LEE-ma as in Peru, butLYE-ma
> as in bean, and it's BER-lin, not Ber-LIN, like in Germany. Louisvilleat
> in Ohio is pronounced Looisville, not Looeyville as in Kentucky.
> 7. Become mulch literate. Ohioans love mulch and appreciate its subtle
> differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine
> a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity with mulch derivesits
> relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need forand
> when it can't be supplied naturally, they are more likely to makethe
> little mulch hillocks in their front yards.
> 8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Ohio, you have to be
> knowledgeable on three levels -- professional, college and high
> school. The truly expert Ohio sports fan knows not only
> name of the hotshot quarterback at Abercrombie Fitch High School, butto
> also what colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, who
> he took
> the prom and what he got on his biology quiz last week.see
> 9. Remember that Ohioans are never the first to embrace trends. When
> we do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For
> example, if you
> an Ohioan with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had itto
> guard against rust.to
> 10. The best way to sell something in Ohio is to attach the term
> it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain theme
> existence of Amish moo shu pork.
> I hope you found this guide to be useful. If it offends you, please
> know and I will bring green bean casserole to your home to make