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Creatures of the Night feedback welcome

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  • lanaia74
    The wind seems to violently blow As I see the shadows of the trees dancing in the moonlight In the reflection of the pond the moon seems to glow The
    Message 1 of 6 , Dec 1, 2006
      The wind seems to violently blow
      As I see the shadows of the trees dancing in the moonlight
      In the reflection of the pond the moon seems to glow
      The illumination of the moon seems very bright.

      Listen! Quiet! You can hear them sing
      The creatures of the night singing their hideous song
      The silence of the night their voices sting
      They sing their song in unison as if to a choir they belong.

      The song they sing you would think they are sad
      But you must understand why they sing
      Trying to say in their existence they are glad
      Creatures of the night to your song forever cling.

      You make the darkness of the night seem alive
      Each of you singing in your own different way
      Oh, the song of the night of this please of me never deprive
      It's like I understand everything they say.

      I love these sounds as they echo in the air
      Listening to them I feel no fear or fright
      My dear friends sound as if they haven't a care
      For this I know because I too am a creature of the night.
    • Paul D. Lawrence
      English is rhyme poor. It makes matters worse when normal word order is obviously twisted for the sake of rhyme. It is perhaps better not to rhyme. There
      Message 2 of 6 , Dec 2, 2006
        English is rhyme poor. It makes matters worse when normal word order is
        obviously twisted for the sake of rhyme. It is perhaps better not to
        rhyme. There are many, many possible forms.


        --- lanaia74 <lanaia74@...> wrote:

        > The wind seems to violently blow
        > As I see the shadows of the trees dancing in the moonlight
        > In the reflection of the pond the moon seems to glow
        > The illumination of the moon seems very bright.
        >
        > Listen! Quiet! You can hear them sing
        > The creatures of the night singing their hideous song
        > The silence of the night their voices sting
        > They sing their song in unison as if to a choir they belong.
        >
        > The song they sing you would think they are sad
        > But you must understand why they sing
        > Trying to say in their existence they are glad
        > Creatures of the night to your song forever cling.
        >
        > You make the darkness of the night seem alive
        > Each of you singing in your own different way
        > Oh, the song of the night of this please of me never deprive
        > It's like I understand everything they say.
        >
        > I love these sounds as they echo in the air
        > Listening to them I feel no fear or fright
        > My dear friends sound as if they haven't a care
        > For this I know because I too am a creature of the night.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
      • Jim
        I don t think it was the rhyme that made this awkward but rather the forced Rhythm without a flow. Also, in the first stanza the word moon happens too often,
        Message 3 of 6 , Dec 3, 2006
          I don't think it was the rhyme that made this awkward but rather the forced Rhythm without a flow. Also, in the first stanza the word "moon" happens too often, I think. I've made some suggestions to keep a rhythm and basic meaning. I hope you don't mind a reworking of a bit of it below. Disregard it if you do.

          cheers,

          Jim


          > The wind seems to violently blow
          > As I see the shadows of the trees dancing in the moonlight
          > In the reflection of the pond the moon seems to glow
          > The illumination of the moon seems very bright.

          Jim's suggestion:
          Where the violent wind blows
          trees, their moonshadow dancelight
          reflects off a pond with a luminous glow
          as the shade of the night becomes bright

          >
          > Listen! Quiet! You can hear them sing
          > The creatures of the night singing their hideous song
          > The silence of the night their voices sting
          > They sing their song in unison as if to a choir they belong.

          Jim's suggestion:
          Listen!, the creatures will sing!
          Ringing the night with a hideous song
          as the voice of a unified choir will sting
          through the silence to which they belong!

          >
          > The song they sing you would think they are sad
          > But you must understand why they sing
          > Trying to say in their existence they are glad
          > Creatures of the night to your song forever cling.
          >
          > You make the darkness of the night seem alive
          > Each of you singing in your own different way
          > Oh, the song of the night of this please of me never deprive
          > It's like I understand everything they say.
          >
          > I love these sounds as they echo in the air
          > Listening to them I feel no fear or fright
          > My dear friends sound as if they haven't a care
          > For this I know because I too am a creature of the night.
          >
          >
          >


          "Paul D. Lawrence" <pauldlawrence@...> wrote:
          English is rhyme poor. It makes matters worse when normal word order is
          obviously twisted for the sake of rhyme. It is perhaps better not to
          rhyme. There are many, many possible forms.

          --- lanaia74 <lanaia74@...> wrote:

          >
          >
          >
          >






          when the earth was a young man
          he was lightning-struck
          by the beautiful bosom of Night
          and Her hidden hips....
          www.mysticmarriage.com

          ---------------------------------
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          [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
        • wolfsighs@aol.com
          I agree with Paul. Try writing this poem without rhyme at all and see what elements demand to stay a part of the piece and what can be discarded. I like your
          Message 4 of 6 , Dec 4, 2006
            I agree with Paul. Try writing this poem without rhyme at all and see what elements demand to stay a part of the piece and what can be discarded. I like your ending and think if you rework this, it has potential.

            Melodie
            www.mcbolt.com
            "The well of Providence is deep. It's the buckets we bring to it that are small." -- Mary Webb
            --
            "It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
            -- Agnes Repplier





            -----Original Message-----
            From: pauldlawrence@...
            To: PaganPoetsSociety@yahoogroups.com
            Sent: Sat, 2 Dec 2006 8:10 PM
            Subject: Re: [Pagan Poets Society] Creatures of the Night feedback welcome


            English is rhyme poor. It makes matters worse when normal word order is
            obviously twisted for the sake of rhyme. It is perhaps better not to
            rhyme. There are many, many possible forms.


            --- lanaia74 <lanaia74@...> wrote:

            > The wind seems to violently blow
            > As I see the shadows of the trees dancing in the moonlight
            > In the reflection of the pond the moon seems to glow
            > The illumination of the moon seems very bright.
            >
            > Listen! Quiet! You can hear them sing
            > The creatures of the night singing their hideous song
            > The silence of the night their voices sting
            > They sing their song in unison as if to a choir they belong.
            >
            > The song they sing you would think they are sad
            > But you must understand why they sing
            > Trying to say in their existence they are glad
            > Creatures of the night to your song forever cling.
            >
            > You make the darkness of the night seem alive
            > Each of you singing in your own different way
            > Oh, the song of the night of this please of me never deprive
            > It's like I understand everything they say.
            >
            > I love these sounds as they echo in the air
            > Listening to them I feel no fear or fright
            > My dear friends sound as if they haven't a care
            > For this I know because I too am a creature of the night.
            >
            >
            >
            >
            >
            >
            >





            Yahoo! Groups Links



            ________________________________________________________________________
            Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from across the web, free AOL Mail and more.


            [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
          • Paul D. Lawrence
            I used to rhyme almost everything, e.g., iambic dimeter couplets [!], but now rhyme little. Lack of rhyme, however, ought not be an invitation of the horrors
            Message 5 of 6 , Dec 6, 2006
              I used to rhyme almost everything, e.g., iambic dimeter couplets [!], but
              now rhyme little. Lack of rhyme, however, ought not be an invitation of
              the horrors of free verse, which Frost likened to playing tennis with the
              net down. I could never master iambic pentameter but did for a while
              write unrhymed tetrameters. Now it is mainly the various forms of 7- and
              5-syllable lines used in Japanese verse.

              The point is: poetry has, or ought to have, form. For example, why does a
              line end and a new one begin? The whim of the poet, or a predetermined
              formal structure? The former is "free verse" [sic].

              However, one is free to make up a form--but then it needs to be repeated,
              another stanza of the same or many lines of the same. The possibilities
              are endless. I once wrote a poem that most people considered free verse
              because they failed to realize that the first line of the first stanza
              rhymed with and otherwise corresponded to the first line of the second
              stanza, and the same for the remaining three lines of the two stanzas.
              That poem by the way attacked Whitman for lack of form.

              I think it worth laboring for form tho my labor is generally light. Yet
              ultimately the poet is the judge: does it say what she wanted and how he
              wanted. While we're at it, any ideas for a nongendered third person
              singular pronoun that is graceful. "S/he" isn't, nor are "heshe" or
              "herhim."

              Peace and Ecstasy!
              White Rhino
              --- wolfsighs@... wrote:

              > I agree with Paul. Try writing this poem without rhyme at all and see
              > what elements demand to stay a part of the piece and what can be
              > discarded. I like your ending and think if you rework this, it has
              > potential.
              >
              > Melodie
              > www.mcbolt.com
              > "The well of Providence is deep. It's the buckets we bring to it that
              > are small." -- Mary Webb
              > --
              > "It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible
              > to find it elsewhere."
              > -- Agnes Repplier
              >
              >
              >
              >
              >
              > -----Original Message-----
              > From: pauldlawrence@...
              > To: PaganPoetsSociety@yahoogroups.com
              > Sent: Sat, 2 Dec 2006 8:10 PM
              > Subject: Re: [Pagan Poets Society] Creatures of the Night feedback
              > welcome
              >
              >
              > English is rhyme poor. It makes matters worse when normal word order is
              > obviously twisted for the sake of rhyme. It is perhaps better not to
              > rhyme. There are many, many possible forms.
              >
              >
              > --- lanaia74 <lanaia74@...> wrote:
              >
              > > The wind seems to violently blow
              > > As I see the shadows of the trees dancing in the moonlight
              > > In the reflection of the pond the moon seems to glow
              > > The illumination of the moon seems very bright.
              > >
              > > Listen! Quiet! You can hear them sing
              > > The creatures of the night singing their hideous song
              > > The silence of the night their voices sting
              > > They sing their song in unison as if to a choir they belong.
              > >
              > > The song they sing you would think they are sad
              > > But you must understand why they sing
              > > Trying to say in their existence they are glad
              > > Creatures of the night to your song forever cling.
              > >
              > > You make the darkness of the night seem alive
              > > Each of you singing in your own different way
              > > Oh, the song of the night of this please of me never deprive
              > > It's like I understand everything they say.
              > >
              > > I love these sounds as they echo in the air
              > > Listening to them I feel no fear or fright
              > > My dear friends sound as if they haven't a care
              > > For this I know because I too am a creature of the night.
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              >
              >
              >
              >
              >
              > Yahoo! Groups Links
              >
              >
              >
              > ________________________________________________________________________
              > Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
              > security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
              > across the web, free AOL Mail and more.
              >
              >
              > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
              >
              >
            • Jim
              Some good ideas here, Paul. Thanks. One of my favourite essays Emerson s The Poet . http://phillaalit.blogspot.com/2006/12/emersons-poet.html I was
              Message 6 of 6 , Dec 8, 2006
                Some good ideas here, Paul. Thanks.

                One of my favourite essays Emerson's "The Poet". http://phillaalit.blogspot.com/2006/12/emersons-poet.html I was re-inspired by it a few years ago.

                Another good piece is by Dana Gioia called "Can Poetry Matter?"
                http://www.danagioia.net/essays/ecpm.htm


                Jim


                "Paul D. Lawrence" <pauldlawrence@...> wrote:
                I used to rhyme almost everything, e.g., iambic dimeter couplets [!], but
                now rhyme little. Lack of rhyme, however, ought not be an invitation of
                the horrors of free verse, which Frost likened to playing tennis with the
                net down. I could never master iambic pentameter but did for a while
                write unrhymed tetrameters. Now it is mainly the various forms of 7- and
                5-syllable lines used in Japanese verse.

                The point is: poetry has, or ought to have, form. For example, why does a
                line end and a new one begin? The whim of the poet, or a predetermined
                formal structure? The former is "free verse" [sic].

                However, one is free to make up a form--but then it needs to be repeated,
                another stanza of the same or many lines of the same. The possibilities
                are endless. I once wrote a poem that most people considered free verse
                because they failed to realize that the first line of the first stanza
                rhymed with and otherwise corresponded to the first line of the second
                stanza, and the same for the remaining three lines of the two stanzas.
                That poem by the way attacked Whitman for lack of form.

                I think it worth laboring for form tho my labor is generally light. Yet
                ultimately the poet is the judge: does it say what she wanted and how he
                wanted. While we're at it, any ideas for a nongendered third person
                singular pronoun that is graceful. "S/he" isn't, nor are "heshe" or
                "herhim."

                Peace and Ecstasy!
                White Rhino
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