Jesus Demands Creative Control Over Next Film About Him
HOLLYWOOD, CA--After watching Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ
Monday, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ announced that He will
demand creative control over the next film based on His life.
"I never should have given Mel Gibson so much license," said Christ,
the Son of God. "I don't like to criticize a member of the flock, but
that close-up of the nails being pounded into My wrists--that was
Our Lord did not limit His criticisms to Gibson's Passion; He
expressed frustration with historical inaccuracies in numerous film
adaptations of His life.
"There have been a lot of films based on My life, and pretty much all
of them have gotten it wrong," Christ said. "Just look at Godspell--
what the heck was going on there? It's time I reclaim My image."
Christ said He considered returning to the physical world to make an
accurate film depiction of His life for years, but seeing The Passion
prompted Him to finally descend from heaven, meet with His agent
Ronald Thatcher, and demand that He be attached as a producer on any
"Ron has a history of telling Me that the filmmakers 'totally
understand' the Word Of God, and that the project is going to
be 'fabulous,'" Christ said. "But when it comes out, it's all wrong,
and Ron claims everything fell apart in post-production. At that
point, there's nothing left for Me to do but say, 'Okay, fine. I
forgive you all.' Well, next time, I'll be shepherding the project
through from casting to final edit to marketing."
Describing one of His biggest complaints, Christ said that no film
about His life has ever "made the apostles pop."
"In The Greatest Story Ever Told, the 12 are basically
interchangeable," Christ said. "Directors get the piety, but they
don't bring out the personalities behind the agape love. Some of
those guys were real cut-ups, you know. Simon Peter could make you
laugh until you cried tears of blood."
In order to bring these and other truths to light, Christ teamed up
with screenwriter Ron Bass, who wrote both Snow Falling On Cedars and
My Best Friend's Wedding. The two have been co-writing a high-concept
script, temporarily called Untitled Jesus Project.
"We're still hammering out the treatment, but I'm really excited
about where it's headed," Christ said. "It really beefs up My
relationship with John the Baptist, something all of the other movies
missed. They always put in the beheading, but they leave out the
quiet moments when John and I would hang out, eat locusts and honey,
and talk about the redemption of Man. I think our friendship will
really resonate with a lot of viewers."
Christ said He is also working on a heist film based loosely on the
loaves-and-the-fishes incident, but that the project is currently
stuck in development.
"I tend to have problems pitching to studio executives," Christ
said. "Last week, I appeared in a vision before a D-girl at Sony, and
I said, 'Be not afraid, for I am Jesus--I have written a treatment
and Matthew McConaughey is interested in the role of Herod.'
Apparently, she was a little freaked-out by the vision and she ended
up passing on the idea. Ron said that next time I should just
schedule a lunch meeting like everyone else."
Returning to film adaptations about His life and Word, Christ said
some inaccuracies can be traced back to the source material, the New
"Remember, at the time the Good Book was written, I was running
around saving souls like a madman," Christ said. "I couldn't focus on
a writing project, too. I basically gave My team of writers the broad
strokes and hoped inspiration would fill in the cracks. Now, I'm not
saying the New Testament isn't good--it is. It's great! But by the
time I got around to reading the galleys, the monks had already
finished the first printing."
The Lord Jesus did have positive things to say about Martin
Scorsese's The Last Temptation Of Christ.
"Not only is Marty a fantastic director, but the story isn't the same
old, same old," Jesus said. "It's like The Gospel of Mark filtered
through an episode of The Twilight Zone. I love it. My one problem is
with the casting of Willem Dafoe. He's good, but I think John
Turturro would have made a better Me."
In spite of His love for Scorsese, Christ said He has no plans to
simply make "the next Last Temptation."
"My movie about My life will be the greatest movie ever shown,"
Christ said. "It should be the last Word on Me. No more animated
versions, no more musicals, and no more movies where the scourging
scene is so violent, you could put it in Fangoria. I mean, yes, being
crucified is very painful. But I can't see devoting more than, say,
three minutes of film to it."
Jesus added: "My version will have it all: drama, laughter, a
spiritual message, and a couple of twists that will surprise even the
most devout. The best part is that it'll be 100 percent accurate."
Continued Christ: "Even with the top-notch screenplay Ron and I are
writing, I'll still need a great director to make the script shine.
Unfortunately, Gore Verbinski is already committed to Pirates Of The
Caribbean 2. If only he'd see that this movie is truly the career
path for the righteous, I'd be able to get a firm commitment from
Johnny Depp, too. Let us pray."
This article is intentional satire and sarcasm, submitted for your amusement.
~ Fr. JBP+