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  • Fr. Panagiotes Carras
    RECOMMENDED BOOK FROM BISHOP MOSES Purely intellectual education without piety is of no use to those that are seeking eternal salvation. I have traveled
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 3, 2000

      Purely intellectual education without piety is of no use to those that
      are seeking eternal
      salvation. I have traveled throughout the Metropolis and spoken with
      many parents of pious youths and, repeatedly, what I hear from them is
      that the foundation of developing piety in a child is building
      character. Good parenting and character building in children is not
      something that happens by itself and this most important labor takes
      planning and consistency. The Metropolis endorses the book, How To
      Behave So Your Children Will Too. I strongly feel that this book will
      supply the reader with planning and strategy for preparing a foundation
      for character building, which is the first step in establishing a child
      in piety.

      Raising a child is much more difficult than it was 40 years ago. The
      author explains why, “…years ago, everyone in the same town or
      neighborhood had the same values and beliefs. No matter where you went
      to play, the rules were the same. Everyone’s parents had the same
      expectations. This is no longer true. Every family has its own
      standards. Our children experience many versions of right and wrong.
      This is confusing to children.”
      We need to supply consistency in every way that we can. For this reason,
      we strongly suggest that a parents’ group be established in each parish,
      using this book as a starting point for raising pious children. A
      handbook is only of any use to those that that use it. Let’s use this
      very useful tool. As the Elder Hieronymus of Aegina said to a woman who
      visited him in his hermitage, "God gave you your children like little
      angels; let's see what you will do with them, for the parents have great
      responsibility for their children. I told another woman, who had a son
      who did not obey her and for whom she wept day and night and prayed
      constantly, that `You must present to God either your son saved or sores
      on your knees.’

      Special Offer
      At present, How To Behave So Your Children Will Too is available only as
      a hardcover at the cost of $24us a piece. The bookstores of the parishes
      of St. Nektarios and St. Joseph will have these books available in two
      weeks at a cost of $26cdn.
      * * * * * * *
      From: How To Behave So Your Children Will Too

      I have spent the last twenty-five years working with behavior-disordered
      children. Some of these children exhibited emotional problems, learning
      disabilities, and attention deficits. Most of these children were
      undisciplined, or rather, underdisciplined. They were all children who
      did not fit in because of the way they behaved. They did not fit in
      school or in the community. They did not fit in with other children.

      Unfortunately, most of these children did not fit into their families,
      either. This was the problem I decided to resolve. I reasoned that
      working with parents had the greatest potential. Improve a child’s
      family life, and all other aspects will improve as well. So I began
      sharing the experience I had learned within schools and treatment
      centers with parents. The results were amazing. Spending an hour a week
      with a child’s parents was significantly more therapeutic than
      counseling the child for an hour. I soon found myself working with
      groups of parents. Groups evolved into workshops. Since 1982 I have
      been conducting parenting workshops on discipline throughout the
      Southwest. More than 20,000 parents have attended these workshops.

      I believe that I have learned more from these parents than they have
      learned from me. Every time I heard a new idea or entertaining story, I
      would write it down. Every time I would hear of a solution to a common
      problem, I would write it down. This book is a collection of these
      stories, ideas and solutions.
      ~ Sal Severe

      The Author states elsewhere:

      “If you want your children’s behavior to change, look at your own
      behavior. This is an uncomfortable experience for me; it may also be
      uncomfortable for you. Try not to feel threatened or defensive, but make
      a commitment to change yourself first. Your change in behavior affects
      your children’s change in behavior. The way that you behave toward your
      children affects the way they behave toward you and everyone else. There
      is a title for a book somewhere in there.”
      Table of Contents:

      Part I
      Chapter 1: How Successful Parents Behave
      Chapter 2: Redefining Discipline

      Part II: How Children Learn
      Chapter 3: How Children Model
      Chapter 4: You And Your Children Learn From Each Other

      Part III: How to Focus on the Positive Behaviors and Attitudes In Your
      Chapter 5: Spotlight Good Behavior
      Chapter 6: Never Give Away the Ice Cream
      Chapter 7: Charts And Contracts
      Chapter 8: How to Use Rules And Consequences
      Chapter 9: How To Be Proactive
      Chapter 10: How To Motivate Your Children
      Chapter 11: Self Esteem – Motivation’s Heartbeat
      Chapter 12: Being Consistent Can Make You Feel Dreadful
      Chapter 13: How To Be More Consistent

      Part IV How To Manage Misbehavior
      Chapter 14: How Children Learn To Misbehave
      Chapter 15: Why Children Push Your Button
      Chapter 16: Use Punishments That Teach
      Chapter 17: How To Punish Your Children Without Punishing Yourself
      Chapter 18: Spanking
      Chapter 19: Correcting Misbehavior With Time-Out
      Chapter 20: How to Manage A Child Who Refuses To Go To A Time Out
      Chapter 21: How To Be Creative With Time-Out
      Chapter 22: How To Manage Arguments And Power Struggles
      Chapter 23: Reducing Attention Seeking

      Part V: Simple Solutions To Prevailing Problems
      Chapter 24: Resolving Conflicts Between Siblings
      Chapter 25: Responsibility, Chores and Allowance
      Chapter 26: Homework Hassles
      Chapter 27: Attention Deficits, Hyperactivity And Behavior
      Chapter 28: Divorce And Behavior
      Chapter 29: Peer Pressure

      Part VI: How To Enjoy Being A Parent
      Chapter 30: Promise To Appreciate

      It Wasn’t Like That When I Was Growing Up

      Why doesn’t discipline work the way it did twenty or thirty years ago?
      Why don’t the old-fashioned methods work? Why is being a parent so
      demanding and confusing?

      Parenting is more difficult because childhood is more difficult.
      Children are under pressure — pressure to make adult decisions with the
      experience and emotions of a child; pressure from peers; pressure from
      school; pressure from the media; pressure that seeps down from pressures
      on the parents. Pressure on our children translates into problems for

      Several changes in our culture have had a tremendous impact on
      discipline and our roles as parents. Our economy has created financial
      tension in families. Parents come home stressed. Their fuse is short.
      The rising divorce rate affects all of our children; today, there are
      schools where four out of five children have experienced divorce. Single
      parenting is stressful. Twenty years ago, everyone in the same town or
      neighborhood had the same values and beliefs. No matter where you went
      to play, the rules were the same. Everyone’s parents had the same
      expectations. This is no longer true. Every family has its own
      standards. Our children experience many versions of right and wrong.
      This is confusing to children (Reviewer’s Note: This clearly illustrates
      the extreme need for establishing a Christian community.--BpM).

      How do these changes in our society affect the way you discipline your
      children? Why won’t the old ways work today?

      The old ways were simple solutions for a society with simple problems,
      but today’s
      problems are more complicated. They require refined solutions. Our
      children live in the future, not the past. We have to cope with the
      adversity of our times. If you want to be a successful parent, you have
      to know how to discipline today’s children. Parents need training—not
      because parents are incapable, but because parenting is no longer

      Love Does Not Always Light the Way

      Too many parents have the false belief that if they love their children
      as much as possible, their misbehavior will someday improve. Love,
      warmth, and affection are essential. They are fundamentals. But you also
      need knowledge. Imagine you needed an operation. As you were about to be
      put under, your physician whispered in your ear, “I want you to know
      that I am not a surgeon. I’m not a doctor at all. Please don’t worry. My

      parents are both doctors. I have a lot of friends who are doctors. I’ve
      asked a lot of questions about surgery. Just relax! I have a lot of
      common sense, and I love my patients very much.” Would you let this
      person use a scalpel on you? Parents need training just as
      professionals need training. Children need trained parents as much as
      they need loving parents. Training pulls together all the good ideas you
      already have, provides structure and direction, and gives you
      confidence. You learn that what you are doing is right. More
      confidence means more self-control, less anger, less guilt, and less
      frustration. More confidence means more respect from your children.
      Without confidence, many parents are afraid to correct or punish their
      children. Some worry that their children will not like them or are
      afraid they might harm their children emotionally, so they let their
      children misbehave.

      Chapter 2

      Redefining Discipline

      “How do you discipline your children?”
      “I scream a lot.”
      “Does that work?”
      “Not usually. They might settle down for a few minutes.
      “Then what?” “They start fighting again. “What do you do then?”
      “I get mad and give each of them a spanking.”
      “Does that stop them?”
      “For a little while.”

      When I ask parents how they discipline their children, most parents tell
      me how they punish their children. They yell, scold, spank, take
      privileges away, and restrict their children to their bedrooms.
      Discipline and punishment are not the same. When used correctly,
      punishment is a small part of the total discipline process.

      Discipline includes all those things that we do as parents to teach our
      children how to make better decisions. Discipline is teaching children
      how to make better choices about their behavior. Discipline is teaching
      children to be responsible. Discipline is teaching children to think for
      themselves. Discipline is teaching children that they have the power to
      choose how they behave. These definitions are completely different from
      the belief that discipline is punishment. Discipline means teaching
      decision making.

      Emphasize Cooperation, Not Control

      Many parents are confused about the purpose of discipline. They believe
      the purpose of discipline is to control a child’s behavior—make him
      behave no matter what. This goal is unreasonable and unattainable. The
      purpose of discipline is not control, but cooperation. Cooperation means
      that your children choose to behave because it makes sense to behave. It
      feels good to behave. This is the goal of good discipline.
      Unfortunately, many parents spend hours each day chasing their children
      around the house trying to make them behave.

      Discipline should not be a negative force that brings bad feelings to
      everyone involved. The thought of disciplining your children should not
      upset your stomach. I knew a father who became so angry with his
      children he began taking tranquilizers. Imagine that your daughter makes
      a mess in the kitchen. The former view of discipline would cause you to
      think, How should she be punished so she will not do it again? You may
      get angry, yell, or
      reprimand. You may spank her or send her to her room. Chances are that
      both of you end up feeling annoyed.

      Discipline should instead provide your children with learning
      experiences: think, “What can I do so that she learns from this; so that
      she chooses not to do this again?” You want your daughter to clean up
      after herself. Say, “Elena, I’m glad to see that you are old enough to
      make your own lunch. But I am disappointed that you left a mess. I know
      you can do better. Please go clean it up. Let me know if you need help.”

      There is an important difference between these two strategies. In the
      first case, you are trying to control your child’s behavior. The new
      approach encourages your child to control her own behavior. This
      strategy makes more sense. Seeking control is seldom a better tactic
      than seeking cooperation. Once you believe that discipline is teaching
      decision making, you and your children will have an improved,
      cooperative attitude about discipline. Are there ever circumstances when
      you should control your children? There are occasions, particularly with
      younger children, when you need to control. Your two-year-old daughter
      wants to play with an electrical wall outlet. You would control her by
      removing her from the situation. You decide for her. If you have a son
      who refuses to go somewhere with you, it is acceptable to take his hand
      and go. If your teenager drives carelessly, you would take away the car
      keys until he demonstrates safer habits.

      The need for cooperation becomes more apparent as children grow older.
      You have less control over their behavior, so you must rely on
      cooperation and trust. I once worked with a father who insisted that his
      fourteen-year-old son stay in the house after dinner. The opposition and
      resistance between father and son grew to the point of hatred. Dad
      installed a $2,200 burglar alarm to keep his son from going out the
      bedroom window as a last, desperate attempt at control. All it did was
      challenge the boy; it took him four days to figure out how to deactivate
      the alarm.

      Attempts to control teenagers are futile. You must depend on your
      teenagers to cooperate with your ideas of right and wrong. You must
      count on them to make their own decisions. Teenagers need to think for
      themselves, so when they face a strenuous choice, they will ask, Is this
      good for me? Think of it this way. If your teenage daughter chooses to
      have sex, will she ask your permission? If your adolescent son decides
      to try pot, will he ask you first? Not likely.

      How to Give Children Choices

      Some parents make too many decisions for their children. They want to
      protect their children from making a wrong choice and to safeguard them
      against painful outcomes. This is understandable, but it denies your
      child opportunities to learn. Making choices for your children may give
      them the message that they are incapable of making their own decisions.
      Use judgment and caution without being overprotective. Think about your
      child’s choices, rules, and activities in three ways. Some things are
      required: earning passing grades, working around the house. Some things
      you will negotiate: curfew, TV programs, makeup, snacks. Give them full
      authority in some choices: sports, music, school activities.

      As. children mature and show more responsibility, gradually allow them
      more authority
      over their lives. If you expect more responsibility from your older
      children, give them more privileges; higher expectations need a higher
      incentive. Allow older children a later bedtime, more allowance, more
      activities. This encourages them to continue to behave responsibly and
      make good decisions. It gives them confidence. They see you are a fair
      person, so they will trust you. There is more specific information about
      this in chapter 28.

      Discipline is teaching children to make decisions. The purpose of
      discipline is teaching children to be cooperative. Begin emphasizing
      cooperation and responsible decision making at an early age. Have faith
      in your child’s willingness to cooperate.

      Children are either in control or under control. Discipline means
      teaching children to controlthemselves. If you want your children to be
      responsible decision makers, you must teach them self-control. If you
      force control, they do not learn to master being in control; they do not
      develop self-control skills and habits, and as a result, they are out of
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