global warming press release - 2094 Earth Standard Year
Indianachicagopolis, United States of Canamerixo, Earth:Milky Way
to: "Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy" update committee
As per your requirements, we are informing you of an event that will
occur within the next 1,000 years (at approximately Earth Standard
Year 2525), so as to meet the deadline for your next scheduled update
of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy".
As we noted on page 1,536,784,657,884 of the table of contents of the
current version of your Guide there is a single page devoted to the
entire Milky Way (page number: 9,453,123,939,124,546,157,654,958,324,
158,456,555,171,145,954,184). When we went to that page, the entire
write up about Earth was:
"small blue-green planet; mostly harmless"
and was given a 1 & 1/2 star rating out of 5 (with the annotation
"might as well be in a coma while you visit here").
Please consider updating this to:
"small brown planet; extinct"
and please change the rating to 4 stars (with the annotation: "nice
place to get a tan and enjoy the solitude")
Thank you kindly for your consideration
# # #
Spirit of Tao Te Ching
snap crackle pop
don't you just love the smell
of earth burning in the morning
I read the "Global Warming: Press Release" & "Global Warming: The
haiku:" and reacted by (please select the most appropriate answer):
a. releasing two metric tons of cloroflorocarbons to hasten the
expansion of the ozone hole
b. got really pissed off at the author and wrote him self-rigtheous
letter, which I photocopied 10,000 versions to hand out. Then, I
realized that I'd just been responsible for killing 100s of trees to
make the photocopies, so I burned them in an act of defiance.
c. utter nonreaction
d. refused to reply to this e-mail (even at a subcortical level).
e. "spank you very much"
f. put the headphones back on and closed my eyes.
but seriously, I could only do that because I had the air conditioner
on. Otherwise, the headphones make my ears sweat, which makes them itch,
which makes me take them off to scratch and complain. That's what I do
best, so I figure it must be my life's work.
Hey, we should cut down the trees on Mars, maybe that would make it
habitable. I had a friend once (we hate each other now that I've moved
away), who was busy raising his 4 children with a 5th on the way and no
end in sight, where they would all live if everyone had such large
families and he professed his faith that we would develop space travel
in time and that there would be lots of lovely places to live. Thank
goodness we have a lengthy guide to help us chose the right one.
ps hey, what's that e all about? sounds kinky! Oh, wait, it's probably
a reference to our gang. Never mind.
i used to have a vacuum cleaner, but it had attachments so i threw
it all away.
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