Highlights for Saturday, November 19
- from the EDITOR:
The highlight of the NDS on Saturday was the
As you may surmise by what's included below,
it was a *very* slow day in the NDS.
Beginning with LO.JO :
hi! I just found this sentence somewhere...
"Seriousness is the leading cause of reincarnation."
And Henry Ford is the cause of the leading car_nation
Oooh! I wish I'd said that. (You will, Mark, you will.)
ps I really only said that to avoid rebirth.
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair,
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
body armor like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
NEWSBREAK! JUST IN!
FLORIDA TO BE DROPPED FROM THE UNION!
WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Tuesday morning,
unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of
The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the
voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential
"This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian
Gonzales, now this."
Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time
coming. "We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative
"They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added
"They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh
that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot" In a speech on
Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the
Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars
social security funds.
"These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national
defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military,"
the Senator to roaring applause.
Did Barry Sadler write this for you? Maybe he wrote it for all of us.
Ballad of the Nonduality Salon
Fighting soldiers from the sky
Fearless men who jump and die
Men who are mean, whether right or wrong,
The brave men of the Salon
Silver wings upon their chest
These are men, America's best
Four hundred men will lurk behind Mommy's dress
But only three post to NDS
Trained to eat from Ramana's hand
Trained in combat, hand-to-hand
Men who fight and then confess
Courage peeks from the NDS
Silver wings upon their chest
These are men, America's guests
Four hundred men will do their best
But only three post to NDS
Back at home a young wife waits
Her Green Beret has met his fate
He has died for those oppressed
Leaving her his last request
"Put silver wings on my son's chest
Make him one of America's best
He'll be a man they'll test in jest
Have him stay on the NDS"
ps, this song is NOT politically correct, so just swallow your
complaints folks. This is a free country and I intend to make you pay
Sgt Barry "otter" Sadler