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Highlights for Saturday, November 19

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  • Melody
    from the EDITOR: The highlight of the NDS on Saturday was the humor. As you may surmise by what s included below, it was a *very* slow day in the NDS.
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 19, 2000
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      from the EDITOR:

      The highlight of the NDS on Saturday was the
      humor.

      As you may surmise by what's included below,
      it was a *very* slow day in the NDS.


      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Beginning with LO.JO :



      hi! I just found this sentence somewhere...

      "Seriousness is the leading cause of reincarnation."

      LOL!!!



      JAN:

      And Henry Ford is the cause of the leading car_nation
      @^@
      \/


      MARK:

      Oooh! I wish I'd said that. (You will, Mark, you will.)

      Love, Mark
      ps I really only said that to avoid rebirth.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      from GLORIA:


      NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

      To the citizens of the United States of America,

      In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
      to
      govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
      independence, effective today.
      Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
      duties
      over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
      which
      she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair,
      MP
      for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
      world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
      without
      the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
      disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
      whether any of you noticed.
      To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
      rules are introduced with immediate effect:

      1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
      Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
      amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
      you
      should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
      "vocabulary".
      Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
      such
      as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
      communication. Look up "interspersed".

      2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
      on
      your behalf.

      3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
      accents.
      It really isn't that hard.

      4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
      the
      good guys.

      5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
      Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
      you
      to get confused and give up half way through.

      6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
      kind
      of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
      good
      game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
      your
      borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
      You
      will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
      football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.
      It
      is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
      allowed
      to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
      involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
      kevlar
      body armor like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
      rugby sevens side by 2005.

      7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
      if
      they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
      there
      is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
      Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".

      8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
      national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
      Day".

      9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
      your
      own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
      mean.

      10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

      Thank you for your cooperation.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      NEWSBREAK! JUST IN!
      FLORIDA TO BE DROPPED FROM THE UNION!

      WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Tuesday morning,
      Congress
      unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of
      America.
      The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the
      state's
      voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential
      election.
      "This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian
      Gonzales, now this."

      Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time
      in
      coming. "We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative
      Barney Frank.
      "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added
      Frank,
      "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh
      that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot" In a speech on
      the
      Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the
      loss of
      Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars
      in
      social security funds.

      "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national
      defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military,"
      said
      the Senator to roaring applause.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      MARK:

      Hey Guys,

      Did Barry Sadler write this for you? Maybe he wrote it for all of us.


      Ballad of the Nonduality Salon

      Fighting soldiers from the sky
      Fearless men who jump and die
      Men who are mean, whether right or wrong,
      The brave men of the Salon

      Silver wings upon their chest
      These are men, America's best
      Four hundred men will lurk behind Mommy's dress
      But only three post to NDS

      Trained to eat from Ramana's hand
      Trained in combat, hand-to-hand
      Men who fight and then confess
      Courage peeks from the NDS

      Silver wings upon their chest
      These are men, America's guests
      Four hundred men will do their best
      But only three post to NDS

      Back at home a young wife waits
      Her Green Beret has met his fate
      He has died for those oppressed
      Leaving her his last request

      "Put silver wings on my son's chest
      Make him one of America's best
      He'll be a man they'll test in jest
      Have him stay on the NDS"

      ps, this song is NOT politically correct, so just swallow your
      complaints folks. This is a free country and I intend to make you pay
      for it.

      Sincerely yours,
      Sgt Barry "otter" Sadler

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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