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#3408 - Saturday, January 10, 2009

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  • markwotter704
    Archived issues of the NDHighlights are available online: http://nonduality.com/hlhome.htm Nonduality Highlights: Issue #3401, Saturday, January 3, 2009 ...
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      Archived issues of the NDHighlights are available online:

      Nonduality Highlights: Issue #3401, Saturday, January 3, 2009


      Editor's note: This issue is dedicated to my friend Michael Read, who
      used to take the HLs with a big grain of salt. Wherever you are, Bro,
      this one's for you.


      Big bang traced to Wisconsin soccer mom!
      December 28, 2009

      (Burlington, VT) -- Theoretical physicists from the University of
      Vermont have determined that the universe originates from the mind of
      Samantha Green, a 37-year-old mother-of-two from Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

      According to scientists, the discovery was made when the Hadron super
      collider went back online on June 16, 2009 at CERN in Geneva,
      Switzerland. The Hadron suffered problems during its initial run on
      September 10, 2009, which some have speculated may also have
      inadvertantly caused the world financial markets to collapse. A
      problem with helium leakage led to the particle accelerator's being
      shut down after only ten days of operation. However, it was not
      apparent to researchers until this week where the exact origin of the
      universe is.

      Mrs. Green told reporters, "I am really stunned. I had no idea." When
      asked to explain what happened, Green replied, "I remember reading
      about the Hadron collider in the newspaper on Wednesday morning. They
      were calling it the Dooms-Day machine. Later that evening, my family
      and I were watching a Steven Hawking's documentary, The Creation of
      the Universe. I turned to my sons and said, 'What's the Big Bang? Is
      that what that Dooms-Day machine is all about?' And that's all I know

      Scientists are still working on determining why it took them so long
      to locate Mrs. Green calling it, "a delay in the relay." States
      Michael Blunt, physicist from UoV, "I think everybody got so caught
      up in everything that was going on that we never thought to ask which
      came first. When we finally did realize, it was a big D'oh! moment, I
      tell you."

      - posted to AdvaitaToZen


      Who Is Swami Beyondananda?

      Once in many, many lifetimes comes a being so evolved, so
      enlightened, so pure that the entire world is transformed.
      Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be anyone like that around these

      Fortunately, we do have Swami Beyondananda to help us maintain our
      jestive health in a world that has become less and less funny. As the
      Swami says, "Indeed, the world is in a grave state -- and the best
      way to overcome gravity is with levity."

      Swami can truly say he came from humble beginnings. His parents
      operated a Humble gas station just outside of Muskogee, Oklahoma. At
      a very early age, it became apparent that young Swami was different
      from the other children. You know how children quietly put their
      heads down on the desk when they fall asleep in class? Well, Swami
      would float to the ceiling. His father realized he could not provide
      the spiritual training that his gifted young son needed, so he
      apprenticed him to the most evolved spiritual teacher in Oklahoma,
      the Native American shaman Broken Wind.

      Broken Wind believed that we are traumatized as babies by intestinal
      gas or colic. The great shaman invented a technique called "gastral
      projection" to help release these traumas. His philosophy was
      simple: "To air is human ... but to really cut one loose is divine."
      Young Swami was a mischievous boy who liked to play pranks on his
      teacher while the latter was meditating. Often, he would sneak up on
      Broken Wind from behind, grab him around the chest in a kind of
      Heimlich maneuver, and squeeze as hard as he could. His good-natured
      teacher put up with this for a while. But one day, true to his name,
      he gastrally-projected his young charge across the room. Swami
      learned a valuable lesson that day: Don't squeeze the shaman.

      Now Swami grew up in a Methodist family (actually, his father was
      Methodist and his mother was Catholic -- so technically, he was a
      Rhythm-Methodist) and as a young teenager, he became quite taken with
      the opposite sects. He was very impressed when an Oklahoma swami who
      called himself the Yogi From Muskogee (Swami has since taken that
      title) came to his boy scout troop and taught him to tie himself into
      twelve different knots. Swami quickly embraced the path of the yogi
      and mastered many advanced techniques, including levitation. Building
      on the gift for levity he was born with, Swami would often hover over
      the stands at his high school football games and moon the crowd. He
      was the only student in Muskogee history ever to get suspended for
      being suspended.

      But like many a young man before him who flew too high too soon, the
      Swami was headed for a fall. His accelerated path to yogihood hit a
      dead end when his kundalini exploded in a crowded department store.
      No one else was injured, but Swami caught an inflection which left
      him with a permanent East Indian accent.

      Now this was in the late 1960s, right in the midst of the Sects
      Revolution, and Swami began to explore all kinds of kinky sects. He
      studied with the guru of rock n' roll, Baba Oom Mow Mow, who taught
      his own version of the Golden Rule: "Do wop unto others as you would
      have them do wop unto you."

      A failed romance with a singer in one of Baba Oom Mow Mow's girl
      groups left Swami in heartbreak hotel -- and that was how he Came to
      Elvis. When Elvis appeared in a dream asking, "Are you lonesome
      tonight?" Swami converted to Presleyterianism right on the spot. It
      was one of those new lite religions popping up in those days -- same
      satisfaction with one third the commandments. For the prophet Elvis
      asks only three things of his flock:

      Love Me Tender.
      Don't Be Cruel.
      Please Surrender.

      And the King promises eternal life as well, for it is written that
      old Presleyterians never die -- the just return to Sender. But still,
      young Swami was spiritually restless, and he sought out wilder and
      wilder sects. The turning point came when he woke up one morning with
      a sugar hangover in a strange biker crash pad where the inhabitants
      wore saffron leather vests and reeked of incense. That was when he
      knew he'd hit bottom -- he had come one thin ponytail away from
      becoming a Harley Krishna.

      That day, the Swami swore off sects completely. Spirit was
      immaterial, he decided, and he now sought fulfillment by filling
      himself full of all the material goodies life could provide. He moved
      to New York to study with the renowned guru of the stock market, Yuan
      Tibet, who instructed him in the Dowist path. Swami became more and
      more dependent on the stock market prophet, buying soybean futures
      like there was no tamari. Suddenly, the price of soybeans plummeted
      (due, it was later revealed, to a rumor planted by unscrupulous dairy-
      heir that tofu actually came from between the toes of Himalayan
      hikers). Swami frantically tried to call Yuan Tibet for his sage
      advice, but he could not be found. Tragically, there had been some
      prophet-taking on Wall Street, somebody took him, and he was never
      heard from again.

      Swami's fortunes fell just as the last slew of credit card bills
      arrived, and he found himself in the midst of a near-debt experience.
      He was a fiscal wreck. His whole world had come crashing down in one
      swell poop, and as is often the case, he sought meaning in the midst
      of tragedy. He stood in Central Park, shaking his fist at the sky and
      shouting, "What is the MEANING of this?"

      Well then the most amazing thing happened (for the complete account,
      you will have to read Swami's new book, Duck Soup For The Soul). But
      to make a long satori short, Swami was struck by enlightning during a
      brainstorm, his clown chakra opened, and now he sees funny. Since
      that time, Swami has traveled the world preaching FUNdamentalism --
      accent on Fun. He has become a well-known figure in the Humor
      Potential Movement, helping folks release jestive blockages such as
      irregularhilarity, irony deficiency, humorrhoids and yes, even truth

      While Swami has no followers per se (he says he gets paranoid when he
      thinks he's being followed), he does train comic-kazis in the ancient
      Chinese path of Fu Ling. "To live in this world," the Swami
      says, "you must be able to take a joke. And if you can leave a few as
      well, all the better."


      He Who Tells the Best Story...

      A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of
      about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

      The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the
      dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

      One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray.
      We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've
      decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to
      keep the dog."

      Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be
      having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a
      ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's
      a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never
      told a lie."

      There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was
      beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave
      a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."


      Hell - Exothermic or Endothermic?

      A retiring Physical Chemistry professor was setting his last exam,
      for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit
      bored with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humor, he
      set a single question on the sheet:

      Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

      He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but
      decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a
      reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded.

      Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
      or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:

      First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some
      mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at
      what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls
      leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
      hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

      As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that
      exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
      are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there
      are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more
      than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to

      With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
      souls in hell to increase exponentially.

      Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
      states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay
      the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
      constant. There are two possible conditions.

      One, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
      souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will
      increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.

      Conversely, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
      of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until
      hell freezes over, condition two.

      We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the
      girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since
      I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with
      her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be
      concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic.


      God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

      God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order
      to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to
      answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your
      responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not
      disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to
      comments or suggestions.

      1. How did you find out about your Deity?

      Book of Mormon
      Burning shrubbery
      Dead Sea Scrolls
      Divine inspiration
      My mama done tol' me
      National Public Radio
      Near-death experience
      Near-life experience
      Other (specify): _____________

      2. Which model Deity did you acquire?

      Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
      Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
      God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
      God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
      Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
      Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
      None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

      3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
      order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?


      If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here;
      indicate all that apply:

      Allowed bad things to happen to good people
      Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
      Not eternal
      Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all
      Not omnipotent
      Not omniscient
      Permits sex outside of marriage
      Plays dice with the universe
      Requires burnt offerings
      Requires virgin sacrifices
      When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

      4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
      Please check all that apply.

      Desperate need for certainty
      Fear of death
      Graduated from the tooth fairy
      Hate to think for myself
      Imaginary friend grew up
      Indoctrinated by parents
      Indoctrinated by society
      Like organ music
      Need to feel morally superior
      Needed a day away from work
      Needed a reason to live
      Needed focus in whom to despise
      Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
      Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
      Wanted to meet girls/boys
      Wanted to piss off parents
      My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

      5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god
      were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

      Barney T. B. P. D.
      Bill Gates
      Burning shrubbery
      Cindy Crawford
      Left-wing liberalism
      Mick Jagger
      The almighty dollar
      The Great Pumpkin
      The Great Spirit
      The moon
      The radical right
      The sun
      TV news
      Other: ________________

      6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
      addition to God? Please check all that apply.

      Ann Landers
      Barney Fife
      Barney T.B.P.D.
      Bill Clinton
      Burning shrubbery
      Crystal Gayle
      Fortune cookies
      Human sacrifice
      Jimmy Swaggert
      Playboy and/or Playgirl
      Psychic Friends Network
      Self-help books
      Sex, drugs, rock and roll
      Tea leaves
      Wandering in a desert

      7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve
      the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
      prefer (circle one)?

      a. More divine intervention
      b. Less divine intervention
      c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
      d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?

      8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
      miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
      following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

      1 2 3 4 5 AOL
      1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
      1 2 3 4 5 famine
      1 2 3 4 5 flood
      1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
      1 2 3 4 5 plague
      1 2 3 4 5 spam
      1 2 3 4 5 war

      1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
      1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
      1 2 3 4 5 rescues
      1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
      1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
      1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
      1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
      1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
      1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine

      9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
      the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if

      If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of
      our conveniently located drop-off boxes by April 15 you will be
      entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of
      winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power,
      depending on number of beings entered).

      Thank you.

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