I was just now looking thru some old posts of mine that I had written
right after my enlightenment about 3 years ago and I thought they may
be helpful for some here on the list. So here goes...
The End of Seeking - How I Became Self Realized
Hello future friends !
Basically, it all enfolded this past March.
Stephen and I had been fighting, as usual,
and I left for a couple weeks to housesit
(sheep-sit) for a friend. I had some time to
spend alone for a welcome change. One cold
evening, I fixed a nice fire in the wood
burning stove, and I got to thinking about
how hurt and disapointed and heart
broken I was in Stephen's behavior and the
whole "situation". Then it is like my whole
life came crashing in on me with that same
hurt and disapointment. Disapointment as in
- I felt that I had given it (life) my best shot
and here I was heart broken. I felt that I
should have been *beyond* being hurt like I
was, because I considered myself such a
happy somewhat *enlightened* person and
dealt with life, I thought just fine. But not
this time. And, I didn't know what to do
about it. There was no action I could take to
make the hurt and hopelessness of my
situation go away. I just couldn't have been a
more loving person. I had given my all and it
still was not enough? What was I to do? I
was major heart broken...major. So heart
broken that I couldn't even cry, what I was
doing was just looking at the truth of my
situation. I saw that my whole life was
wrapped up in seeking by trying to be this
good loving person and it had brought me to
this??? Something was wrong
then...definitely wrong. I had to change my
*attack*. But what? I needed to do
something different but I just didn't know
how or what. I felt I had wasted my life. I
felt that all my love and effort had been
wasted. But the problem I was left with was
I just didn't know who or *how* to be
anymore, literally! It was though I had no
"building blocks" with which to "construct"
an identity for a life! The truth of what I felt
was totally shocking. What I realized was
that my life was wrapped totally up in
seeking, looking for a pay-off of God knows
what?? The feeling that consumed me was
something on the order of "well, that's it, my
life was over". Then, all of a sudden, this
new energy filled me up and I knew and and
saw and felt in an instant the absurdity of
what I thought my life was about. And what
I realized was that I was everything that I
had been seeking for. I was love, I was
enlightenment, I was freedom, I was
understanding, the very "thing" itself. I was
"IT". There was no "I" taht had ever been
separated from anything, this was a new deal
here, this was the real deal, "I" was the "real
deal". You could say I was overjoyed...so
completely overjoyed..that there was *no
reason* to be overjoyed whatsoever, but I
was none the less. I took advantage. And
"taking advantage was/is a lot of fun to say
the least, Holy Kamoly...look out world, I
have arrived, boy am I gonna have some fun
with this! This enlightenment is right up my
alley, cause I am one who loves to play and
play HARD! :-) And the best part is...it's all
true!! My life now is one of no seeking ( to
coin a phrase from Da), just the sheer utter
enjoyment of being myself! I find myself in
tears often just in the gratefulness of it all,
and what I have been given. And, now that I
have "settled down" somewhat, if you could
call it that :-), that just by living my life and
being myself I am hoping that others will
"catch on" so they too can share in this
realization with me. You could say I am in a
very very good mood!
Thank you so much for letting me share with
> Ramana Maharishi said something
appropriate to your occasion, Judi: "Your
duty is not to be this or that but simply to
be." I am wondering, though, how you view
your enlightenment as a "becoming", since
enlightenment is radically "unbecome"?
> Yours, Kurt
***************************** In those
moments prior to awakening, what
transpired for me was seeing that who I had
been, this whole persona, everything that I
had ever done, or thought or felt, was built
on falsity, a seeking game looking for a pay
off. It was not a pretty sight! And, not only
not pretty, what was I to do? It wasn't like I
thought, oh well, oh geez, now I will sit and
here and "be" looking good! NO! I really had
no choice in anything. It was a shock is what
it was. I went into shock mode! "Be" mode
sounds much too "together". I literally was
wiped out...eradicated...erased. The truth of
the situation did it for me. It was just a
matter of looking at the truth. There was no
"effort" on my part to do or be anything.
That very thing is what I was looking at that
was the falsity. If you can't "do" and you
can't "be"....what is there? Nothing! You
could say that me and nothing had a face
off! :-)LOL Face off! Get it??? LOL It was a
real tough fight!! LOL So, the word
"unbecoming" is a very good one. It was
unbecoming to say the least! Sheesh! Not a
pretty sight! :-)
Thanks for asking, hope I answered your
> > Dear Judi,
> You were vague regards the question Ted
asked about "practice". What was your
practice...in technical terms or was it just
spontaneous like Ramana Maharshi's?
************** I look at my practice or my
path, if you will, as just my life. Trying all
avenues, going down all the roads, trying
this, working this, seeing this, observing that,
loving this, rejecting that..life. It is just
seeking. You practice with some goal in
mind. After the goal has been reached, there
is no need for practice and also there is no
concern for what your practice even
consisted of. Who cares? How does that go
...if you're not going to be worrying about it
in heaven, why bother with it now? I am on
to big and better things! :-) It wasn't anything
in my practice that got me enlightened. What
got me enlightened was seeing that my
practice was not working! And, not only not
working, it's motivation was built on
selfishness. It was not based on love, no
matter how pure I tried to convince myself
that it was. I mean, I was at least a saint and
I was headed for the boss's job of God! I
probably would have made it to, given
enough time! LOL So do you see how
ridiculous any questions refering to practice
are? If someone asks me what they should
practice, like my practice was some roll
model, I would tell them to practice the
piano. If they want to get enlightened,
surrender, see what you are doing, see that
your whole life is based on seeking
something outside of yourself, or something
to add to yourself. See your own
miserablness. Take a good hard look at why
you are miserable. You are miserable
because you are selfish. You are really
obnoxious. You are on a power trip to
satisfy your own egotistical desires. And,
what is really obnoxious about it, is that you
try to disguise this egotistical behavior by
being "loving"...unconditional even! Phew!
Stinky! That is what I had to look at in
myself, it was not a pretty sight. You are
going to have to see what your so called life
is built on and around. And when you can
have guts enough and be sober enough to
look at yourself that way, you will see that
you really have no option but to
surrender....to call it quits. Now we get to
the good part! Grace. And from there, it is
I find the idea of "leaping" interesting. That
was definitely NOT my experience. If there
was a place for me to leap, I would have,
fool that I was. But, all I can say is, is thank
God there was NOT! What I did was realize
that there was no place to go. You see, there
really is no place to go. Fortunately, or
unfortunately for you. :-) That is just the
truth. And the sooner we stop kidding each
other about this nasty little overlooked "fact"
:-)... the better! I am not kidding around
here. I am serious! I am deadly serious in
fact! Whoa you say? That's right, you
should do just that...whoa! Stop and look at
what you are doing. And I not the least bit
interested in what I thought I was doing. I
was doing something stupid, that is all I care
about. I know I was a fool, I would just as
soon forget it. Nothing to be proud of. The
only thing I take pride in is that I finally had
the guts and the smarts to stop! A friend told
me once...the shame of being human is not
knowing when to quit. So, anyway, I
digress. So, for you guys who think you are
going to "leap" someplace into your
enlightenment....you are still kidding
yourselves. Knock it off would you....I
mean..for crying out loud!
> Why isn't this a Leap into "Faith in your
******* well, there was no place to leap, so
the leaper was not necessary! It wasn't a
matter of me having faith, it was a matter of
getting "erased". They call it a death, and I
understand what they are talking about now.
It really is. You see, I have not moved from
that "spot" where I died. YOu could say that
I am standing in my own grave. Now I stand
*as* that, not in any sense
whatsoever...seeking. But, I obviously am
not mourning, who died was not "me" in the
first place. I could sing a little "Don't Cry for
Me Argentina" for you if it would help to get
my point across. :-)
There has been a thick fog over at least my part of Vancouver since the night of the
solstice (21/22) which has been penetrated by neither sun nor special perigee moon. I'm
not blaming it for anything but -- pathetic fallacy, and you can decide whether it is more
pathetic or fallacy -- it seems to be here representing an unclarity in me. (I did escape
it yesterday by going away for a day to visit family, but a mixed blessing with its
inevitable Xmas connotations.) It might also -- going with a more benign possible
explanation -- be a kind of visitation of the energy of winter. Vancouver doesn't do snow
much, so the stillness of winter may be easier to suggest here with fog...
<sarlo: "learned much from the dark light" >
~ This dark light is profound and welcome to me also
whatever form it takes.
Oh, and re: "What the hell is so special about a 'birthday'?"
It is a celebration of the day you slid down the "rainbow bridge"...
dontcha remember? we were waitin' for you here.. only one unique you..
unique point of light in this great body Being.
here's lightin' up with you, kid.
Perhaps the number of messages and strife on the list is to do just
that: tire us out so we drop everything from pure exhaustion.
"Abyss" connotes a sense of undifferentiated depth. It is the place of
maximum pressure in the ocean. Or perhaps the hottest point in a flame.
Metaphorically it indicates the Source. In popular cultural cliche it's
associated with darkness, and monsters come from the abyss. On the other
hand, have you seen the great movie "The Abyss"? The abyss in the movie
is the place where the human body cannot continue to live, but where the
aliens (angels?) feel most at home. A fine metaphor.
Back to the metaphor. There is no sense "shining a light" in that which
is nothing but Light. Like holding a candle to the Sun. Sunshine is
perfectly adequate thank you very much.
The Abyss is that which confounds and obliterates ordinary binary
(dualistic) thought. It is the "Pleroma" of the gnostics. Nothing can be
"said about "it" which cannot be immediately contradicted. Gods and
devils both emerge from It, and It swallows them up. It is brighter than
light, and darker than dark. The quintessence of everything.
> P: "Personalities" are just amusements of the dead.
> ... I'd like to hear *your* thoughts on that.
Surely you have heard of "Let the dead bury their dead"? Nobody owns
thoughts. They appear on the surface of consciousness, make a shambles of
life, and then disappear. "Your thoughts" is just a thought. "Distinct
persons" is just a thought. The notion of the Abyss is just a means of
fathoming how "yes and no" appear simultaneously and opposites coincide.
"Separate persons" believing in such, are dead. Because thriving
indefinitely in separation is not possible. Because literally everything
is interconnected at its root, there appear to be different persons.
That's how the "yes and no" play out in the world.
The "zombie" is thus not literally a zombie.
Thanks for the feedback.
as promised, here is a link to the William Blake Tarot.
"everything that lives is holy!"
said Blake, and i concur.
this page links to other online tarot decks, to runes, i ching, and
> Dear jodyr
> After my direct experience with God I realized that enlightenment is
> pure love.
Many people have direct experiences with God everyday. Those
experiences encompass a very wide spectrum of manifestation.
While I don't doubt the authenticity of your experience, it
was in fact yours and not one of the many, many other sorts
of direct experiences that manifest for many different people.
> If our actions do not come from this and we feel guilt
> then our actions are at least partially ego based.
There is not a thing wrong with "ego based" actions as
long as they aren't intentionally hurting oneself or
others. Saints throughout the ages have engaged in
what you are calling ego based actions as what you are
terming ego remains after the blessing of realization
has occurred. Our senses of individual self remain
post realization, it is the exclusive attachment to
that idea of being *only* an individual that is
> It seems, at least
> for me, that waking up is a gradual process in time. That is what
> time is for. As we gradually wake from the slumber, love increases
> while feelings of fear, anger, and separation decrease.
The "process" of realization appears to involve a gradual
transitioning at some points, at others it is very sudden
and sometimes violently so. However, being involved in such
a process is no guarantee that the final goal will be realized.
Realized people know that realization has its *own* agenda,
and that we as individuals seeking It must simply wait for
It to find Its way to our lives.
> So, I think,
> for most of us our actions are partially love based and partially ego
> Peace, neo
And both motivating factors are present in both realized and the
waiting to be realized folk.
What do you think about when you read or listen to an
<Joshua: "If one does not compete then one may not be able to hold onto what
xan: ~ "What is important" is already holding you.
I had a teacher once who said,
"If you really want to be free,
throw out all your ideas about love."
> ... Nobody can wake anyone else up. The very concept is ridiculous."
xan: ~ This would be a true statement if there was actually such a thing as
"anyone else". Those who know themselves wholly as Self have no difficulty
waking up inside a mind fragment that does not.
Surrender is free falling forever - never landing.
> Dear Melody,
> Here's another :-) question, just lightly curious - why have you avoided
> silent self inquiry? (Not that it's so easy...)
I experience it as a feeling of dread.
These analogies come to mind:
Like it's something akin to going to the
dentist, and I'm putting it off as long as
the suffering is bearable.
Or like I'm Cinderella who is told to be
home by midnight, and I don't want to
leave the party.
I used to think it was because of my sense
of responsibility to my foster son, but I
see that now as just an excuse.
So, bottom line....."I'm afraid".
And yet, of what, I could not tell you.
> >I wonder if it's a matter of getting healthy
> >enough to simply be 'alone' in the silence.
> I really agree here - health! Lots of this spiritual stuff, and lots of
> the work that happens in the organized religions amounts to fostering
> healthy interactions between people.
You struck a chord here, Greg.
It reminds me of all the years I struggled
trying to quit smoking. and it was not
until I gave up trying to quit because I *should* , that I later stopped
simply because I no longer desired to smoke.
I can see that much of my struggle here with relationships could be resolved
in the same
The issue of healthy social interactions and relationships is still an
important one to me,
it has become apparent these past few days.
My trying to 'quit' because I *should*
results in quite an internal struggle.
My Pentacostal church had a very
> uncompromising, orthodox, anti-intellectual, fundamentalist doctrine. But
> with 350 members, families 4- and 5 generations deep, many strong
> personalities, politics, power struggles, some extramarital affairs and
> other sexual peccadilloes, gossip, etc., it wasn't easy to get along
> sometimes. But we *knew* that this was a feature of the church, and it
> figured in the teaching and preaching. We forgave each other (mostly), an
> hung in there. We used to say, "if you can make it here, you can make it
> anywhere." One time I had to publicly apologize in front of the entire
> congregation for something wrong, deceitful, and hurtful I had done. I
> a deacon at the time. It was a tough place. Much of what came my way
> about the practice of conduct, ethics, manners, forgiveness, givingness,
> fidelity to one's commitments, unconditional love, etc., came from that
> With love,
Greg, thank you very much for this.
You've given me something to consider
in an entirely different light.
(I've been all over the board these past
few days, why not experience even a few
more 'positions'? <s>)
We need only complete ourselves and the
others will follow of get lost in the 'process'... it
is all we need know.
A friend sent me this & I thought it might be enjoyed by others here too.
"This guy is real! I`ve seen him on stage in Santa Cruz and he is hilarious
while handing out kernels of truth. He has the gift of witticism with
come-backs at the speed of Light.
He is from Texas but dresses the part of Swami. He wears a turban which he
claims to have purchased from his local cowboys and Indians store.
Swami Beyondananda's Guidelines for Millennial Enlightenment
1. Be a Fundamentalist--make sure the Fun always
comes before the mental. Realize that life is a
situation comedy that will never be canceled. A
laugh track has been provided, and the reason why
we are put in the material world is to get more
material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and
that will ensure regularhilarity.
2. Remember that each of us has been given a
special gift, just for entering - so you are already a winner!
3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is
where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we
don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change the
4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.
5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought
particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition
called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And
when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we
teach in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: *Don't get even, get odd.*
6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly
live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way,
there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us.
A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit
together to make one big peace everywhere.
7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if
you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a
fault, just don't dwell on it.
8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet
train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.
9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad
news and some good news. The bad news is: there is no key to the Universe.
The good news is: it has been left unlocked.
10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you
don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a
bureaucracy. So we don't have to go through channels.
I know some talk about evolution & wonder if kundalini is transforming the brain & body
into a more light filled
form .. so I just thought I'd share this artists' idea of where he/she thinks evolution is
taking us. It is at the
top of the page.