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  • andrew macnab
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 29, 1999

      I was just now looking thru some old posts of mine that I had written
      right after my enlightenment about 3 years ago and I thought they may
      be helpful for some here on the list. So here goes...


      The End of Seeking - How I Became Self Realized

      Hello future friends !

      Basically, it all enfolded this past March.
      Stephen and I had been fighting, as usual,
      and I left for a couple weeks to housesit
      (sheep-sit) for a friend. I had some time to
      spend alone for a welcome change. One cold
      evening, I fixed a nice fire in the wood
      burning stove, and I got to thinking about
      how hurt and disapointed and heart
      broken I was in Stephen's behavior and the
      whole "situation". Then it is like my whole
      life came crashing in on me with that same
      hurt and disapointment. Disapointment as in
      - I felt that I had given it (life) my best shot
      and here I was heart broken. I felt that I
      should have been *beyond* being hurt like I
      was, because I considered myself such a
      happy somewhat *enlightened* person and
      dealt with life, I thought just fine. But not
      this time. And, I didn't know what to do
      about it. There was no action I could take to
      make the hurt and hopelessness of my
      situation go away. I just couldn't have been a
      more loving person. I had given my all and it
      still was not enough? What was I to do? I
      was major heart broken...major. So heart
      broken that I couldn't even cry, what I was
      doing was just looking at the truth of my
      situation. I saw that my whole life was
      wrapped up in seeking by trying to be this
      good loving person and it had brought me to
      this??? Something was wrong
      then...definitely wrong. I had to change my
      *attack*. But what? I needed to do
      something different but I just didn't know
      how or what. I felt I had wasted my life. I
      felt that all my love and effort had been
      wasted. But the problem I was left with was
      I just didn't know who or *how* to be
      anymore, literally! It was though I had no
      "building blocks" with which to "construct"
      an identity for a life! The truth of what I felt
      was totally shocking. What I realized was
      that my life was wrapped totally up in
      seeking, looking for a pay-off of God knows
      what?? The feeling that consumed me was
      something on the order of "well, that's it, my
      life was over". Then, all of a sudden, this
      new energy filled me up and I knew and and
      saw and felt in an instant the absurdity of
      what I thought my life was about. And what
      I realized was that I was everything that I
      had been seeking for. I was love, I was
      enlightenment, I was freedom, I was
      understanding, the very "thing" itself. I was
      "IT". There was no "I" taht had ever been
      separated from anything, this was a new deal
      here, this was the real deal, "I" was the "real
      deal". You could say I was overjoyed...so
      completely overjoyed..that there was *no
      reason* to be overjoyed whatsoever, but I
      was none the less. I took advantage. And
      "taking advantage was/is a lot of fun to say
      the least, Holy Kamoly...look out world, I
      have arrived, boy am I gonna have some fun
      with this! This enlightenment is right up my
      alley, cause I am one who loves to play and
      play HARD! :-) And the best part is...it's all
      true!! My life now is one of no seeking ( to
      coin a phrase from Da), just the sheer utter
      enjoyment of being myself! I find myself in
      tears often just in the gratefulness of it all,
      and what I have been given. And, now that I
      have "settled down" somewhat, if you could
      call it that :-), that just by living my life and
      being myself I am hoping that others will
      "catch on" so they too can share in this
      realization with me. You could say I am in a
      very very good mood!

      Thank you so much for letting me share with
      you all,

      > Ramana Maharishi said something
      appropriate to your occasion, Judi: "Your
      duty is not to be this or that but simply to
      be." I am wondering, though, how you view
      your enlightenment as a "becoming", since
      enlightenment is radically "unbecome"?

      > Yours, Kurt

      ***************************** In those
      moments prior to awakening, what
      transpired for me was seeing that who I had
      been, this whole persona, everything that I
      had ever done, or thought or felt, was built
      on falsity, a seeking game looking for a pay
      off. It was not a pretty sight! And, not only
      not pretty, what was I to do? It wasn't like I
      thought, oh well, oh geez, now I will sit and
      here and "be" looking good! NO! I really had
      no choice in anything. It was a shock is what
      it was. I went into shock mode! "Be" mode
      sounds much too "together". I literally was
      wiped out...eradicated...erased. The truth of
      the situation did it for me. It was just a
      matter of looking at the truth. There was no
      "effort" on my part to do or be anything.
      That very thing is what I was looking at that
      was the falsity. If you can't "do" and you
      can't "be"....what is there? Nothing! You
      could say that me and nothing had a face
      off! :-)LOL Face off! Get it??? LOL It was a
      real tough fight!! LOL So, the word
      "unbecoming" is a very good one. It was
      unbecoming to say the least! Sheesh! Not a
      pretty sight! :-)

      Thanks for asking, hope I answered your
      question, Judi

      > > Dear Judi,

      > You were vague regards the question Ted
      asked about "practice". What was your
      practice...in technical terms or was it just
      spontaneous like Ramana Maharshi's?
      Thanks, Brooks

      ************** I look at my practice or my
      path, if you will, as just my life. Trying all
      avenues, going down all the roads, trying
      this, working this, seeing this, observing that,
      loving this, rejecting that..life. It is just
      seeking. You practice with some goal in
      mind. After the goal has been reached, there
      is no need for practice and also there is no
      concern for what your practice even
      consisted of. Who cares? How does that go
      ...if you're not going to be worrying about it
      in heaven, why bother with it now? I am on
      to big and better things! :-) It wasn't anything
      in my practice that got me enlightened. What
      got me enlightened was seeing that my
      practice was not working! And, not only not
      working, it's motivation was built on
      selfishness. It was not based on love, no
      matter how pure I tried to convince myself
      that it was. I mean, I was at least a saint and
      I was headed for the boss's job of God! I
      probably would have made it to, given
      enough time! LOL So do you see how
      ridiculous any questions refering to practice
      are? If someone asks me what they should
      practice, like my practice was some roll
      model, I would tell them to practice the
      piano. If they want to get enlightened,
      surrender, see what you are doing, see that
      your whole life is based on seeking
      something outside of yourself, or something
      to add to yourself. See your own
      miserablness. Take a good hard look at why
      you are miserable. You are miserable
      because you are selfish. You are really
      obnoxious. You are on a power trip to
      satisfy your own egotistical desires. And,
      what is really obnoxious about it, is that you
      try to disguise this egotistical behavior by
      being "loving"...unconditional even! Phew!
      Stinky! That is what I had to look at in
      myself, it was not a pretty sight. You are
      going to have to see what your so called life
      is built on and around. And when you can
      have guts enough and be sober enough to
      look at yourself that way, you will see that
      you really have no option but to
      surrender....to call it quits. Now we get to
      the good part! Grace. And from there, it is
      all downhill!

      I find the idea of "leaping" interesting. That
      was definitely NOT my experience. If there
      was a place for me to leap, I would have,
      fool that I was. But, all I can say is, is thank
      God there was NOT! What I did was realize
      that there was no place to go. You see, there
      really is no place to go. Fortunately, or
      unfortunately for you. :-) That is just the
      truth. And the sooner we stop kidding each
      other about this nasty little overlooked "fact"
      :-)... the better! I am not kidding around
      here. I am serious! I am deadly serious in
      fact! Whoa you say? That's right, you
      should do just that...whoa! Stop and look at
      what you are doing. And I not the least bit
      interested in what I thought I was doing. I
      was doing something stupid, that is all I care
      about. I know I was a fool, I would just as
      soon forget it. Nothing to be proud of. The
      only thing I take pride in is that I finally had
      the guts and the smarts to stop! A friend told
      me once...the shame of being human is not
      knowing when to quit. So, anyway, I
      digress. So, for you guys who think you are
      going to "leap" someplace into your
      enlightenment....you are still kidding
      yourselves. Knock it off would you....I
      mean..for crying out loud!

      > Why isn't this a Leap into "Faith in your
      own being"?

      ******* well, there was no place to leap, so
      the leaper was not necessary! It wasn't a
      matter of me having faith, it was a matter of
      getting "erased". They call it a death, and I
      understand what they are talking about now.
      It really is. You see, I have not moved from
      that "spot" where I died. YOu could say that
      I am standing in my own grave. Now I stand
      *as* that, not in any sense
      whatsoever...seeking. But, I obviously am
      not mourning, who died was not "me" in the
      first place. I could sing a little "Don't Cry for
      Me Argentina" for you if it would help to get
      my point across. :-)


      There has been a thick fog over at least my part of Vancouver since the night of the
      solstice (21/22) which has been penetrated by neither sun nor special perigee moon. I'm
      not blaming it for anything but -- pathetic fallacy, and you can decide whether it is more
      pathetic or fallacy -- it seems to be here representing an unclarity in me. (I did escape
      it yesterday by going away for a day to visit family, but a mixed blessing with its
      inevitable Xmas connotations.) It might also -- going with a more benign possible
      explanation -- be a kind of visitation of the energy of winter. Vancouver doesn't do snow
      much, so the stillness of winter may be easier to suggest here with fog...

      <sarlo: "learned much from the dark light" >

      ~ This dark light is profound and welcome to me also
      whatever form it takes.




      Oh, and re: "What the hell is so special about a 'birthday'?"

      It is a celebration of the day you slid down the "rainbow bridge"...
      dontcha remember? we were waitin' for you here.. only one unique you..
      unique point of light in this great body Being.

      here's lightin' up with you, kid.


      Dear Tim

      Perhaps the number of messages and strife on the list is to do just
      that: tire us out so we drop everything from pure exhaustion.

      Peace, neo

      "Abyss" connotes a sense of undifferentiated depth. It is the place of
      maximum pressure in the ocean. Or perhaps the hottest point in a flame.
      Metaphorically it indicates the Source. In popular cultural cliche it's
      associated with darkness, and monsters come from the abyss. On the other
      hand, have you seen the great movie "The Abyss"? The abyss in the movie
      is the place where the human body cannot continue to live, but where the
      aliens (angels?) feel most at home. A fine metaphor.

      Back to the metaphor. There is no sense "shining a light" in that which
      is nothing but Light. Like holding a candle to the Sun. Sunshine is
      perfectly adequate thank you very much.

      The Abyss is that which confounds and obliterates ordinary binary
      (dualistic) thought. It is the "Pleroma" of the gnostics. Nothing can be
      "said about "it" which cannot be immediately contradicted. Gods and
      devils both emerge from It, and It swallows them up. It is brighter than
      light, and darker than dark. The quintessence of everything.

      > P: "Personalities" are just amusements of the dead.
      > ... I'd like to hear *your* thoughts on that.

      Surely you have heard of "Let the dead bury their dead"? Nobody owns
      thoughts. They appear on the surface of consciousness, make a shambles of
      life, and then disappear. "Your thoughts" is just a thought. "Distinct
      persons" is just a thought. The notion of the Abyss is just a means of
      fathoming how "yes and no" appear simultaneously and opposites coincide.

      "Separate persons" believing in such, are dead. Because thriving
      indefinitely in separation is not possible. Because literally everything
      is interconnected at its root, there appear to be different persons.
      That's how the "yes and no" play out in the world.

      The "zombie" is thus not literally a zombie.

      Thanks for the feedback.


      as promised, here is a link to the William Blake Tarot.

      "everything that lives is holy!"
      said Blake, and i concur.

      this page links to other online tarot decks, to runes, i ching, and
      other goodies.



      > neo:
      > Dear jodyr
      > After my direct experience with God I realized that enlightenment is
      > pure love.

      Many people have direct experiences with God everyday. Those
      experiences encompass a very wide spectrum of manifestation.
      While I don't doubt the authenticity of your experience, it
      was in fact yours and not one of the many, many other sorts
      of direct experiences that manifest for many different people.

      > If our actions do not come from this and we feel guilt
      > then our actions are at least partially ego based.

      There is not a thing wrong with "ego based" actions as
      long as they aren't intentionally hurting oneself or
      others. Saints throughout the ages have engaged in
      what you are calling ego based actions as what you are
      terming ego remains after the blessing of realization
      has occurred. Our senses of individual self remain
      post realization, it is the exclusive attachment to
      that idea of being *only* an individual that is

      > It seems, at least
      > for me, that waking up is a gradual process in time. That is what
      > time is for. As we gradually wake from the slumber, love increases
      > while feelings of fear, anger, and separation decrease.

      The "process" of realization appears to involve a gradual
      transitioning at some points, at others it is very sudden
      and sometimes violently so. However, being involved in such
      a process is no guarantee that the final goal will be realized.
      Realized people know that realization has its *own* agenda,
      and that we as individuals seeking It must simply wait for
      It to find Its way to our lives.

      > So, I think,
      > for most of us our actions are partially love based and partially ego
      > based.
      > Peace, neo

      And both motivating factors are present in both realized and the
      waiting to be realized folk.


      What do you think about when you read or listen to an

      Gentle Peace.

      Tim Harris

      <Joshua: "If one does not compete then one may not be able to hold onto what
      is important.

      xan: ~ "What is important" is already holding you.

      I had a teacher once who said,
      "If you really want to be free,
      throw out all your ideas about love."


      > ... Nobody can wake anyone else up. The very concept is ridiculous."

      xan: ~ This would be a true statement if there was actually such a thing as
      "anyone else". Those who know themselves wholly as Self have no difficulty
      waking up inside a mind fragment that does not.

      Surrender is free falling forever - never landing.


      > Dear Melody,
      > Here's another :-) question, just lightly curious - why have you avoided
      > silent self inquiry? (Not that it's so easy...)

      I experience it as a feeling of dread.

      These analogies come to mind:

      Like it's something akin to going to the
      dentist, and I'm putting it off as long as
      the suffering is bearable.

      Or like I'm Cinderella who is told to be
      home by midnight, and I don't want to
      leave the party.

      I used to think it was because of my sense
      of responsibility to my foster son, but I
      see that now as just an excuse.

      So, bottom line....."I'm afraid".

      And yet, of what, I could not tell you.

      > >I wonder if it's a matter of getting healthy
      > >enough to simply be 'alone' in the silence.
      > I really agree here - health! Lots of this spiritual stuff, and lots of
      > the work that happens in the organized religions amounts to fostering
      > healthy interactions between people.

      You struck a chord here, Greg.

      It reminds me of all the years I struggled
      trying to quit smoking. and it was not
      until I gave up trying to quit because I *should* , that I later stopped
      simply because I no longer desired to smoke.

      I can see that much of my struggle here with relationships could be resolved
      in the same

      The issue of healthy social interactions and relationships is still an
      important one to me,
      it has become apparent these past few days.

      My trying to 'quit' because I *should*
      results in quite an internal struggle.

      My Pentacostal church had a very
      > uncompromising, orthodox, anti-intellectual, fundamentalist doctrine. But
      > with 350 members, families 4- and 5 generations deep, many strong
      > personalities, politics, power struggles, some extramarital affairs and
      > other sexual peccadilloes, gossip, etc., it wasn't easy to get along
      > sometimes. But we *knew* that this was a feature of the church, and it
      > figured in the teaching and preaching. We forgave each other (mostly), an
      > hung in there. We used to say, "if you can make it here, you can make it
      > anywhere." One time I had to publicly apologize in front of the entire
      > congregation for something wrong, deceitful, and hurtful I had done. I
      > a deacon at the time. It was a tough place. Much of what came my way
      > about the practice of conduct, ethics, manners, forgiveness, givingness,
      > fidelity to one's commitments, unconditional love, etc., came from that
      > church!
      > With love,
      > --Greg

      Greg, thank you very much for this.

      You've given me something to consider
      in an entirely different light.

      (I've been all over the board these past
      few days, why not experience even a few
      more 'positions'? <s>)


      We need only complete ourselves and the
      others will follow of get lost in the 'process'... it
      is all we need know.

      Gentle Peace.

      Tim Harris

      A friend sent me this & I thought it might be enjoyed by others here too.

      "This guy is real! I`ve seen him on stage in Santa Cruz and he is hilarious
      while handing out kernels of truth. He has the gift of witticism with
      come-backs at the speed of Light.

      He is from Texas but dresses the part of Swami. He wears a turban which he
      claims to have purchased from his local cowboys and Indians store.

      Swami Beyondananda's Guidelines for Millennial Enlightenment

      1. Be a Fundamentalist--make sure the Fun always
      comes before the mental. Realize that life is a
      situation comedy that will never be canceled. A
      laugh track has been provided, and the reason why
      we are put in the material world is to get more
      material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and
      that will ensure regularhilarity.

      2. Remember that each of us has been given a
      special gift, just for entering - so you are already a winner!

      3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is
      where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we
      don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change the

      4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.

      5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought
      particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition
      called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And
      when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we
      teach in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: *Don't get even, get odd.*

      6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly
      live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way,
      there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us.
      A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit
      together to make one big peace everywhere.

      7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if
      you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a
      fault, just don't dwell on it.

      8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet
      train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

      9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad
      news and some good news. The bad news is: there is no key to the Universe.
      The good news is: it has been left unlocked.

      10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you
      don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a
      bureaucracy. So we don't have to go through channels.

      I know some talk about evolution & wonder if kundalini is transforming the brain & body
      into a more light filled
      form .. so I just thought I'd share this artists' idea of where he/she thinks evolution is
      taking us. It is at the
      top of the page.


      Bye now,

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