Woman Led Prayers: Muslim humourist pins Mullas who can't get Sex off their Mind
Siamack Baniameri is an Iranian American humourist. Amazon.com
describes him working for a plasma television manufacturer as a
plasma donor. Prior to that, it says Baniameri worked at a sperm
bank as a sperm donor. He was subsequently terminated after numerous
complaints from customers about the low quality of the sperm. Many
of the infants were returned for a refund.
Baniameri, a militant nudist Buddhist, has devoted his entire life
to organizing support groups for men with hideous circumcisions. He
also heads a nonprofit organization called, "Middle Eastern men for
better body hair removal products." Baniameri has traveled the world
looking for the answer to the most fundamental question asked by
every man: where the heck is the remote control?
In this article for MuslimWakeUp!, Baniameri reflects on the uproar
against women leading prayers and wonders whether "one day women can
have several husbands too. Reversal of fortune is entertaining --
don't you think? Maybe we'll see the day when women with their Gucci
purses and Prada shoes walk in front and we follow them two steps
behind covered in thick dark sheets, pushing strollers and gasping
for air. Imagine me and the sheikh and a couple of other fellows
being some woman's bitches."
March 26, 2005
A Woman Leads Prayers? What's Left of Muslim Men's Dignity?
By Siamack Baniameri
On Friday March 18, 2005, something interesting happened. Amina
Wadud, a professor of Islamic studies at Virginia Commonwealth
University, led an Islamic prayer service before a congregation of
100 Muslim men and women at Synod House at the Cathedral of St. John
the Divine in Manhattan. As expected, a few hours later, all hell
The imam of a London mosque declared the practice against Islam. A
woman should never lead prayers, he elaborated, because during the
menstrual cycle, there is always the possibility of an accident
during the service: if a man happens to glance at the female imam's
behind and spots blood, then the gates of heaven will forever be
shut to the poor chump.
Thank you, dear imam, for clarifying a few things for me.
First of all, I had no idea women bled from their behind during the
menstrual cycle. I guess that means I was pulled out of my mother's
ass. Silly me... I was completely in the dark.
Secondly, as an avid ass-looker, I can assure the good imam that in
all my years of looking at women's behinds from all different
angles, I've never spotted blood. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough.
Who knows? Maybe the imam is a better ass-looker than I am! I've
never claimed to be good at anything.
And by the way, I didn't know there's a shortage of tampons in
London. What's up with that?
Meanwhile Soad Saleh, who heads the Islamic department of the
women's college at Al-Azhar University in Cairo, said women should
not lead prayers because "the woman's body, even if veiled, stirs
What can I say? Like many of my Middle Eastern brothers, I have a
lifetime subscription to Play Veil magazine. Miss January was
absolutely gorgeous and even though I couldn't see anything behind
her veil, in some perverted way, she stirred my desires.
I can't explain it. Only we Middle Eastern men are capable of
looking at women who are covered under lumps of unforgiving black
sheets and feel aroused. Heck, I sometimes look at drapes hanging
from windows and get horny!
According to Ms. Saleh, we Middle Eastern men are sexually so out of
control that there's a strong chance we might hump a female imam in
the middle of Friday prayers. Thank you Ms. Saleh! Thank you very
much for your in-sight!
But I think the best line came from the cleric of a mosque in Saudi
Arabia. The honorable sheikh expressed outrage by mentioning several
times, "how can a woman who touches her husband's organ lead a
prayer... it is inconceivable!"
Obviously the sheikh is unaware that married women do not touch
their husband's organ. As a matter of fact that's the main reason
women get married ... so they don't have to touch, fondle or stroke
any part of a man's body. In fact women are done with sex the day
after they get married. Obviously the sheikh is enjoying an
unusually active sex-life with his wife.
I feel the anger of my fellow fundamentalist brothers. We're not
only challenged by an intellectual who knows her Islam but, even
worse, we're challenged by a woman. The very fact that a woman is
more intelligent, and makes no apologies for it, insults our very
This has nothing to do with Islam; it's about what we've learned
from our fathers and grandfathers. This is about money and power --
the very essence of our manhood. This is not about menstrual cycles,
stirring desires or fondling organs. It's about fear and insecurity.
Nothing is more intimidating to a man than a woman who sees right
Personally, as an Iranian Muslim man, it would be a privilege and
honor to stand behind a female imam and pray to my God. I promise
I'll never glance at her behind -- unless, of course, God has
blessed her with one that is too divine to ignore.
Who knows? Maybe one day women can have several husbands too.
Reversal of fortune is entertaining -- don't you think? Maybe we'll
see the day when women with their Gucci purses and Prada shoes walk
in front and we follow them two steps behind covered in thick dark
sheets, pushing strollers and gasping for air. Imagine me and the
sheikh and a couple of other fellows being some woman's bitches. Oh,
Siamack Baniameri is the author of The Iranican Dream,
(Virtualbookworm.com Publishing, December 2004). Also see Iranican-
This article was first published by The Iranian