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Re: [KWChoir] Mother -in-law Stories - Part II

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  • Susan Stoltze
    I forgot to share this also ... Apparently the night before our wedding, my mother-in-law confided to my father-in-law the following: I am totally against
    Message 1 of 16 , Oct 3, 2006
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      I forgot to share this also ...
       
      Apparently the night before our wedding, my mother-in-law confided to my father-in-law the following:
       
      "I am totally against this wedding and this marriage.  I think it's a terrible mistake.  But since it appears to be going on whether or not I like it or not, I'll just learn to love her after the wedding."
       
      Gee, thanks.  Love those crumbs you've swept to the floor for me to grovel for ...
       
      Now to add insult to injury ... I am not kidding, my father-in-law called us EVERY DAY we were away on our honeymoon!  We were only gone for three days, but I am not exaggerating when I say he just called to chat! (Happy First Day of Your Honeymoon! ... Happy Second Day of Your Honeymoon!)  Finally my husband got annoyed with him and told him to quit it, reminded him that we were on our honeymoon and that we were doing what newlyweds usually do on their honeymoon.  I was annoyed with my husband for even answering the phone.
       
      A month later, father-in-law turns to my husband and asks him in a "stage whisper"  "So, is Susan still mad at us?"
       
      Sigh.
       
      Yours in patience,
      Susanna

      Susan Stoltze <susanstoltze@...> wrote:
      I don't suppose your mother-in-law is Jewish (and you're not)?
       
      I actually wrote a five-page letter to our pre-marital rabbi and his wife because we were having so much trouble with my beloved's parents last year when we were married (we will celebrate our 1st anniversary the first weekend in November).  Up until two weeks before the wedding, we didn't know if his mother would show up.
       
      At every opportunity both his parents would trot out a "laundry list" of all the reasons why he shouldn't marry me.  Apparently it was "dishonorable" for their eldest son to marry a shiksa.  My mother-in-law sat in the back of the ceremony room and pouted, refused to wear the corsage I bought for her, never said one word of "good luck, happy marriage or even smiled.  She swore up and down that since I wasn't Jewish, we couldn't possibly have a Jewish wedding (big surprise to our rabbi), that anything resembling a Jewish wedding would be a "mockery" and a "fiasco" and that of course they wouldn't attend anything BUT a Jewish wedding.  Shades of Catch-22.  They didn't lift one finger to help out or ask about how things were going, etc.
       
      My father-in-law met me at a local restaurant on the sly to beg me to make a meaningless conversion for the sake of HIS marriage.  That way he and his wife could hold their heads up in their little circle of friends and say, "but of course our boy married a nice Jewish girl ..."  I told him that he was asking me to commit an act of dishonor and that nothing but a rip in the fabric of time would make me appear before his god with a lie on my lips.  He told me as we were leaving that he was shocked and disappointed that I didn't immediately agree to convert!!!
       
      Instead of being overtly obnoxious, my mother-in-law is passive agressive.  For instance, when the family gets together, i.e., the parents, his brother and his Jewish wife, and my husband and me, the other two ladies will bring up subjects like the maids, the summer camps, the mah jong tournaments -- all the things that are a cultural mystery to me.  No one can talk intelligently about music, history, plants and gardening, so naturally I am the silent partner. 
       
      Our rabbi's wife had some excellent advice, as she is a family/marriage counselor.  Some of the things she told us were:
       
      1.  Some people are just "crazy makers."  Their sole purpose in life is to make your's miserable.  You can choose to give in to emotional blackmail or not.
       
      2.  You and your spouse MUST present a united front.  There is nothing wrong with a delay tactic like "John and I must talk about this first - family policy - so we'll get back to you."  I must say that works like a charm for me and my husband.
       
      3.  You cannot choose how your in-laws treat you.  You can always choose how you react to it.
       
      4.  As personal as your mother-in-law tries to make things, do not stoop to her level.  You will probably lose.  Remember, her son is wonderful (or why are you married to him?) and so are your children and (unfortunately) that connection is there with her.
       
      5.  Always leave an escape route.
       
      6.  If you feel like you are going to go nuclear every time you visit, or she visits you, as a last resort consider visiting a family counselor with your husband to learn more coping mechanisms.  If he won't (or can't go), then go yourself.
       
      Believe me, I have and still do, share your pain.  On a final note, smiling and walking away will make her more nuts than anything else you do.
       
      Yours in service (and sympathy)
      Susanna Merrybegot
      Susan Stoltze
       
      p.s.  I have always wanted to start a daughter-in- law or shiksa daughter-in- law support group on line ... keep in touch and let us know how you are doing?


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    • John Phipps
      I found parents always liked me and this was the death knell of most relationships. I get along with my in-laws, the English ones and the Yank one. Divorce in
      Message 2 of 16 , Oct 3, 2006
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        I found parents always liked me and this was the death knell of most relationships. I get along with my in-laws, the English ones and the Yank one. Divorce in modern society can lead to a multiplication of mothers-in-law.
         
        I sent my wife off on a Pilgrimage this morning. A present for our 20th Anniversary. To Fatima Portugal, not Canterbury but her brother's in-laws are in Asturias in Spain. He was a Yank working on his Doctorate in Maths at the U of Glasgow and followed her off to Spain. He learned to speak Spanish and became a convert to Catholcism, He also agreed not to drag his wife off to America. After about 10 years she got a job here and now works at the Spanish Embassy while he teaches math at the U of MD. His father-in-law is an old Francoist, only speaks Spanish, and on a visit to the states thought everything better in Spain.
         
        Fathers-in-law can be a treat at times. On the other hand his brothers and sisters in-laws are very nice. We can gather and smoke Cuban cigars and drink single malt scotch and drive the old folks away.
         
        Have you considered cigars?
         
         
         
        ----- Original Message -----
        Sent: Tuesday, October 03, 2006 5:42 PM
        Subject: Re: [KWChoir] Mother -in-law Stories - Part II

        I forgot to share this also ...
         
        Apparently the night before our wedding, my mother-in-law confided to my father-in-law the following:
         
        "I am totally against this wedding and this marriage.  I think it's a terrible mistake.  But since it appears to be going on whether or not I like it or not, I'll just learn to love her after the wedding."
         
        Gee, thanks.  Love those crumbs you've swept to the floor for me to grovel for ...
         
        Now to add insult to injury ... I am not kidding, my father-in-law called us EVERY DAY we were away on our honeymoon!  We were only gone for three days, but I am not exaggerating when I say he just called to chat! (Happy First Day of Your Honeymoon! ... Happy Second Day of Your Honeymoon!)  Finally my husband got annoyed with him and told him to quit it, reminded him that we were on our honeymoon and that we were doing what newlyweds usually do on their honeymoon.  I was annoyed with my husband for even answering the phone.
         
        A month later, father-in-law turns to my husband and asks him in a "stage whisper"  "So, is Susan still mad at us?"
         
        Sigh.
         
        Yours in patience,
        Susanna

        Susan Stoltze <susanstoltze@ yahoo.com> wrote:
        I don't suppose your mother-in-law is Jewish (and you're not)?
         
        I actually wrote a five-page letter to our pre-marital rabbi and his wife because we were having so much trouble with my beloved's parents last year when we were married (we will celebrate our 1st anniversary the first weekend in November).  Up until two weeks before the wedding, we didn't know if his mother would show up.
         
        At every opportunity both his parents would trot out a "laundry list" of all the reasons why he shouldn't marry me.  Apparently it was "dishonorable" for their eldest son to marry a shiksa.  My mother-in-law sat in the back of the ceremony room and pouted, refused to wear the corsage I bought for her, never said one word of "good luck, happy marriage or even smiled.  She swore up and down that since I wasn't Jewish, we couldn't possibly have a Jewish wedding (big surprise to our rabbi), that anything resembling a Jewish wedding would be a "mockery" and a "fiasco" and that of course they wouldn't attend anything BUT a Jewish wedding.  Shades of Catch-22.  They didn't lift one finger to help out or ask about how things were going, etc.
         
        My father-in-law met me at a local restaurant on the sly to beg me to make a meaningless conversion for the sake of HIS marriage.  That way he and his wife could hold their heads up in their little circle of friends and say, "but of course our boy married a nice Jewish girl ..."  I told him that he was asking me to commit an act of dishonor and that nothing but a rip in the fabric of time would make me appear before his god with a lie on my lips.  He told me as we were leaving that he was shocked and disappointed that I didn't immediately agree to convert!!!
         
        Instead of being overtly obnoxious, my mother-in-law is passive agressive.  For instance, when the family gets together, i.e., the parents, his brother and his Jewish wife, and my husband and me, the other two ladies will bring up subjects like the maids, the summer camps, the mah jong tournaments -- all the things that are a cultural mystery to me.  No one can talk intelligently about music, history, plants and gardening, so naturally I am the silent partner. 
         
        Our rabbi's wife had some excellent advice, as she is a family/marriage counselor.  Some of the things she told us were:
         
        1.  Some people are just "crazy makers."  Their sole purpose in life is to make your's miserable.  You can choose to give in to emotional blackmail or not.
         
        2.  You and your spouse MUST present a united front.  There is nothing wrong with a delay tactic like "John and I must talk about this first - family policy - so we'll get back to you."  I must say that works like a charm for me and my husband.
         
        3.  You cannot choose how your in-laws treat you.  You can always choose how you react to it.
         
        4.  As personal as your mother-in-law tries to make things, do not stoop to her level.  You will probably lose.  Remember, her son is wonderful (or why are you married to him?) and so are your children and (unfortunately) that connection is there with her.
         
        5.  Always leave an escape route.
         
        6.  If you feel like you are going to go nuclear every time you visit, or she visits you, as a last resort consider visiting a family counselor with your husband to learn more coping mechanisms.  If he won't (or can't go), then go yourself.
         
        Believe me, I have and still do, share your pain.  On a final note, smiling and walking away will make her more nuts than anything else you do.
         
        Yours in service (and sympathy)
        Susanna Merrybegot
        Susan Stoltze
         
        p.s.  I have always wanted to start a daughter-in- law or shiksa daughter-in- law support group on line ... keep in touch and let us know how you are doing?


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      • Susan Stoltze
        John Phipps wrote: I Have you considered cigars? No, but I have one better. Supposedly, f-in-l is allergic to most scents. He can t
        Message 3 of 16 , Oct 6, 2006
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          John Phipps <jphipps2@...> wrote:
           
           
          I
          Have you considered cigars?
           
          No, but I have one better.  Supposedly, f-in-l is "allergic" to most scents.  He can't even deal with some hand cream without complaining.  I've noticed that this allergy problem tends to be somewhat selective and definitely non-leathal.  So when I'm in an evil mood, I spray on my favorite perfume and he stays away.
           
          Cigars make ME sick - so won't work with him.  Thanks for the laugh!
           
          - Susanna
           
           
           
           


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        • Pam Gibbs
          Gilane, The KWChoir group is NOT the appropriate place to complain about family matters. There are other groups for that. Mom Gilane
          Message 4 of 16 , Oct 7, 2006
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            Gilane,
             
            The KWChoir group is NOT the appropriate place to complain about family matters.
            There are other groups for that.
             
            Mom

            Gilane <thistlemedic@...> wrote:
            Have I got a few horror stories for you!

            My mother-in-law has threatened to call Child Protection Services on
            me at least twice for "starving the kids". I had to take them to the
            doctor to prove that the children had in fact gained weight.

            My mother-in-law has threatened to take me to court to sue for
            Grandparents rights after refusing to visit the children for over one
            month.

            My mother-in-law decided that I had control over my husband and that I
            needed to "make him come home". When I said he was a "big boy, and
            can make decisions on his own", she replied that "he has the mantality
            of a 13 year old and is incapable of making his own decisions... "

            My mother-in-law tells other people that she thinks the SCA is
            satanic, but tells us that she fully supports us in our "chosen
            lifestyle".

            My mother-in-law stood up in front of the entire family at
            Thanksgiving one year and stated, "I am thankful for Gilane [my
            mundane name] because she thinks like a man..."

            My mother-in-law refuses to confirm our schedule before making plans
            for the whole family. She will simply call us and tell us when the
            party is and expect us to just show up, regardless of whether or not
            we had previous plans.

            My mother-in-law has been known to say that the only reason she
            accepts me is because God told her I was supposed to marry her son.

            The latest, and certainly not the least...

            My car had spun out its rod bearings and needed a new engine.
            Expensive to rebuild (approx $1500), much less replace (approx $5300).
            My mother-in-law said that she had a van that should take half the
            cost to fix (approx $800 - $1000). She only told me of a few things
            wrong with it, and said that it was in good condition. She said the
            deal was if we pay to fix it, she would sign it over. Now that we
            have cleaned it up, the total work done ($1800 already paid with $1300
            to go) comes to twice the amount it would have taken to fix the
            original car. Turns out there was WAY more wrong with it than she
            said. When we asked my father-in-law, he said they knew about the
            extra damage, but my mother-in-law specifically instructed him to say
            nothing. She lied to her own son in order to dump her problem into
            his lap. We are now stuck with not one, but two money pits; thanks to
            her.

            I tell people that I am "required" to love my mother-in-law; because
            if I didn't, I would strangle her. Am I insane to consider these
            issues? I would feel a lot better knowing I am not the only person
            having problems with my mother-in-law.

            Lady Donwenna Dwn
            Chirurgeon - Kingdom of Atenveldt



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          • Susan Stoltze
            Aren t we singing the blues here? Yours in punniness Susanna Pam Gibbs wrote: Gilane, The KWChoir group is NOT the appropriate place
            Message 5 of 16 , Oct 7, 2006
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              Aren't we singing the blues here?
               
              Yours in punniness
              Susanna

              Pam Gibbs <cathryns43081@...> wrote:
              Gilane,
               
              The KWChoir group is NOT the appropriate place to complain about family matters.
              There are other groups for that.
               
              Mom

              Gilane <thistlemedic@ yahoo.com> wrote:
              Have I got a few horror stories for you!

              My mother-in-law has threatened to call Child Protection Services on
              me at least twice for "starving the kids". I had to take them to the
              doctor to prove that the children had in fact gained weight.

              My mother-in-law has threatened to take me to court to sue for
              Grandparents rights after refusing to visit the children for over one
              month.

              My mother-in-law decided that I had control over my husband and that I
              needed to "make him come home". When I said he was a "big boy, and
              can make decisions on his own", she replied that "he has the mantality
              of a 13 year old and is incapable of making his own decisions... "

              My mother-in-law tells other people that she thinks the SCA is
              satanic, but tells us that she fully supports us in our "chosen
              lifestyle".

              My mother-in-law stood up in front of the entire family at
              Thanksgiving one year and stated, "I am thankful for Gilane [my
              mundane name] because she thinks like a man..."

              My mother-in-law refuses to confirm our schedule before making plans
              for the whole family. She will simply call us and tell us when the
              party is and expect us to just show up, regardless of whether or not
              we had previous plans.

              My mother-in-law has been known to say that the only reason she
              accepts me is because God told her I was supposed to marry her son.

              The latest, and certainly not the least...

              My car had spun out its rod bearings and needed a new engine.
              Expensive to rebuild (approx $1500), much less replace (approx $5300).
              My mother-in-law said that she had a van that should take half the
              cost to fix (approx $800 - $1000). She only told me of a few things
              wrong with it, and said that it was in good condition. She said the
              deal was if we pay to fix it, she would sign it over. Now that we
              have cleaned it up, the total work done ($1800 already paid with $1300
              to go) comes to twice the amount it would have taken to fix the
              original car. Turns out there was WAY more wrong with it than she
              said. When we asked my father-in-law, he said they knew about the
              extra damage, but my mother-in-law specifically instructed him to say
              nothing. She lied to her own son in order to dump her problem into
              his lap. We are now stuck with not one, but two money pits; thanks to
              her.

              I tell people that I am "required" to love my mother-in-law; because
              if I didn't, I would strangle her. Am I insane to consider these
              issues? I would feel a lot better knowing I am not the only person
              having problems with my mother-in-law.

              Lady Donwenna Dwn
              Chirurgeon - Kingdom of Atenveldt



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            • Geffrei Maudeleyne
              Thank you. Geffrei _____ From: KWChoir@yahoogroups.com [mailto:KWChoir@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Pam Gibbs Sent: Saturday, October 07, 2006 2:42 PM To:
              Message 6 of 16 , Oct 8, 2006
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                Thank you.

                Geffrei

                 


                From: KWChoir@yahoogroups.com [mailto: KWChoir@yahoogroups.com ] On Behalf Of Pam Gibbs
                Sent: Saturday, October 07, 2006 2:42 PM
                To: KWChoir@yahoogroups.com
                Subject: Re: [KWChoir] Mother -in-law Stories

                 

                Gilane,

                 

                The KWChoir group is NOT the appropriate place to complain about family matters.

                There are other groups for that.

                 

                Mom

              • Ariadne & Reynard
                Are there any medieval songs about family problems? Ariadne ... From: Geffrei Maudeleyne To: KWChoir@yahoogroups.com Sent: Sunday, October 08, 2006 8:23 PM
                Message 7 of 16 , Oct 8, 2006
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                  Are there any medieval songs about family problems?
                  Ariadne
                   
                  ----- Original Message -----
                  Sent: Sunday, October 08, 2006 8:23 PM
                  Subject: RE: [KWChoir] Mother -in-law Stories

                  Thank you.

                  Geffrei


                  From: KWChoir@yahoogroups .com [mailto: KWChoir@yahoogroups .com ] On Behalf Of Pam Gibbs
                  Sent: Saturday, October 07, 2006 2:42 PM
                  To: KWChoir@yahoogroups .com
                  Subject: Re: [KWChoir] Mother -in-law Stories

                  Gilane,

                  The KWChoir group is NOT the appropriate place to complain about family matters.

                  There are other groups for that.

                  Mom

                • Karen Kasper
                  Quand Mon Mary Viens de Dehors is a di Lasso piece about an old husband who beats his young wife... And on a much less OT note, I want to thank Duchess
                  Message 8 of 16 , Oct 8, 2006
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                    "Quand Mon Mary Viens de Dehors" is a di Lasso piece about an old husband who beats his young wife...
                     
                    And on a much less OT note, I want to thank Duchess Myfanwy and Duke Corin, who sent me audio files of most of the pieces from the Pennsic Choir concert.  I was able to upload some of them to the KWC Yahoo Group site, but the files were big and I ran out of room.  I will see if I have space on my own website and get them up as soon as I can.  In the mean time, you can access the four pieces I did successfully upload here.
                     
                    Enjoy.
                     
                    Arianna

                    Ariadne & Reynard <hedgehog_hollow@...> wrote:
                    Are there any medieval songs about family problems?
                    Ariadne
                    .



                    Karen Kasper

                    "I told myself that acts of folly are the only things that one doesn't regret in life." - Jean-Paul Guyot

                    "I believe in the indomitable human spirit and the amazing capacity we have for understanding the world; for love, joy and happiness." - Michael Shermer


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                  • Sapphira the Navigator
                    I m sure that there are lots of period songs. How s this for lyrics: Beyond the water dwells my beloved, Nor can I ever see her a single time, And all for an
                    Message 9 of 16 , Oct 9, 2006
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                      I'm sure that there are lots of period songs.
                      How's this for lyrics:

                      Beyond the water dwells my beloved,
                      Nor can I ever see her a single time,
                      And all for an arrogant old hag,
                      Who keeps her ever in chamber closed:
                      O cantankerous, crazy hag,
                      Wretched, dirty filthy,
                      Dragon-faced, enraged hag,
                      You keep my beloved hidden;
                      Whether you will or no,
                      I will have her,
                      She will have me.

                      "Dilla da l'aqua"
                      Francesco Patavino, 1526
                      Music for Crumhorns, book 1
                      London Pro Musica LPM MCR1 1981

                      Sapphira, once known as Blue

                      --- In KWChoir@yahoogroups.com, "Ariadne & Reynard"
                      <hedgehog_hollow@...> wrote:
                      >
                      > Are there any medieval songs about family problems?
                      > Ariadne
                      >
                      >
                    • Suzanne
                      ... It s a stretch, but how bout Il est bel est bon (about a hen-pecked husband)? I m sure we can think of others... as long as we can include examples
                      Message 10 of 16 , Oct 9, 2006
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                        --- In KWChoir@yahoogroups.com, "Ariadne & Reynard" <hedgehog_hollow@...> wrote:
                        >
                        > Are there any medieval songs about family problems?
                        > Ariadne
                        >

                        It's a stretch, but how 'bout "Il est bel est bon" (about a hen-pecked husband)? I'm sure we
                        can think of others... as long as we can include examples from the 16th century. :-)

                        Susanna de l'Essart
                        newly arrived in Calontir
                      • Kimberly
                        Thank you! I was growing a bit uncomfortable with the Mothers-in-law thread. However, I DO like the thread that continued re: period music about old hags and
                        Message 11 of 16 , Oct 10, 2006
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                          Thank you! I was growing a bit uncomfortable with the Mothers-in-law  thread. However, I DO like the thread that continued re: period music about old hags and henpecked husbands! LOL   Perhaps the email subject line could be discontinued, as well?
                          Lady Luisiuil of the Willows
                          *who signed up to sing at Pennsic, but was not well enough to do so. Maybe next year?*

                          Pam Gibbs <cathryns43081@...> wrote:
                          Gilane,
                           
                          The KWChoir group is NOT the appropriate place to complain about family matters.
                          There are other groups for that.
                           
                          Mom


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                        • Kimberly
                          Thank you so much for uploading the music files from Pennsic. You all sounded awesome! Wish I had been part of it.... Luisiuil Karen Kasper
                          Message 12 of 16 , Oct 10, 2006
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                            Thank you so much for uploading the music files from Pennsic. You all sounded awesome! Wish I had been part of it....
                             
                            Luisiuil

                            Karen Kasper <arianna_wyn@...> wrote:
                            "Quand Mon Mary Viens de Dehors" is a di Lasso piece about an old husband who beats his young wife...
                             
                            And on a much less OT note, I want to thank Duchess Myfanwy and Duke Corin, who sent me audio files of most of the pieces from the Pennsic Choir concert.  I was able to upload some of them to the KWC Yahoo Group site, but the files were big and I ran out of room.  I will see if I have space on my own website and get them up as soon as I can.  In the mean time, you can access the four pieces I did successfully upload here.
                             
                            Enjoy.
                             
                            Arianna

                            Ariadne & Reynard <hedgehog_hollow@...> wrote:
                            Are there any medieval songs about family problems?
                            Ariadne
                            .



                            Karen Kasper

                            "I told myself that acts of folly are the only things that one doesn't regret in life." - Jean-Paul Guyot

                            "I believe in the indomitable human spirit and the amazing capacity we have for understanding the world; for love, joy and happiness." - Michael Shermer

                            Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for 2?/min or less.


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