I'm 51 year old male, married with two teenage boys, a Christian and
ordained but disabled due to my mental illness. In recent months,
I've discovered that I'm bisexual. That discovery explains a lot about
my life that up till now did not make a lot of sense.
1. Why I found it so easy to play the role of the wife to a large
degree in my marriage as well as a mom to the boys and somewhat of a
mom to my wife who has borderline personality disorder as well as a
confused sexual identity herself..
2. Why, years ago, I could exercise such control with hot lap dances,
and the strippers say they like me more than most of their customers.
3. My lack of real reaction when girls made it obvious they were
interested in me in high school, college, graduate school, and the
time after seminary when Donna and I were cooling it some. This
reaction also included some really hot moms of some friends whom my
mother noticed were interested in me.
4. My first blow jobs were from and with my step-brother.
5. My college roommate saying he knew my weaknesses after hearing me
laugh like a girl
6. My taking so long to get married which was something given I
started puberty at age 10 and saw my first Playboy magazine then, but
my mother's overprotection led me to be somewhat afraid of women.
7. My having a very close female friend like Marlowe both in and since
high school who is more like a sister to me, but when my wife met her
said she could see why I might have been interested in her if I had.
8.My not being bothered by Donna's comments about various porn stars
big dicks for I liked them too, but did not say so.
9. My not getting freaked out after several years of marriage when
Donna said that her Lesbian clergy friend did not like me for more
than just my position on homosexuality, but that Marti felt like I was
steeling Donna from her which now means to me that they were close and
maybe she did learn from her how to land a man as she quoted Marty as
saying for Marty had tried to fix herself by landing a man to marry,
but it did not work.
10. My willingness to get up at night with the boys as babies as if I
was their mom, take one of them to my office, and seemed to be the one
who got them to the doctor the most.
11. Possibly my not getting errect enough to actually do intercourse
with my wife while I'm working through all of this.
13.Why people have told me in the past they could tell that I was
carrying a big load of guilt but had no idea why, so it must have been
over my bisexuality.
14. Why I do enjoy playing with my wife' vibrator orally with her and
really sucking it in private.
15. Why I could spend a weekend in the beach house alone with Donna
when we were still dating, even get in the bed with us both nude and
not have intercourse with her;
16. Why Donna and I could take showers together, go to Christian
singles retreats but get together in her or my room while meeting were
being conducted, meet in hotels after she spoke somewhere, go to her
hotel room after being ordained, get totally naked while dating from
1983-1988, but not actually have intercourse with her until we got
married on 1988.
17.Why I felt so much pressure from the church world to get married
18. What one gay, but married with children clergy friend of mine
meant when he said to me ___ the Church is not ready for people like
you and me
19. I've included bisexual mmf porn pics and clips into items that I
enjoy looking at and download from the internet.
20. My therapist says that my focus on muscular men and wanting to
give and receive oral but not anal sex with a man speaks more the pain
of my adversarial relationship with my dad than my mother's
overprotectedness making me into a mamma's boy or as my dad said once
"raise me on a pink pillow."
As a middle age man, father of two boys, Christian and minister, I
realize that my current condition is not right and I need help moving
on from this.
I hope this group can help me in my journey.