- Thank you for sharing more of your experience, Ashley. I agree that there are individuals of All colors who harbor hateful views towards others. However, as I tried to explain to my ex-friend, there is a big difference between someone at your job giving you the cold shoulder and not getting the job in the first place, or not getting promoted, or being fired because of the color of your skin or your last name. It is most often White people who are in a position of power to do the latter, which are forms of institutional racism.
Oh, and my friend did not want to join the Black student group. She just stumbled in there by accident and was apparently upset that she wasn't greeted with ear to ear smiles from everyone.
And yes, it really is a shame when you think someone is your friend but then learn that their views are incompatible with that friendship. I agree with you that friends don't have to hold all the same views, but racism of any sort is not something I can tolerate. When I was younger, I would sometimes look the other way. For instance, I had a childhood friend with whom I kept in contact for decades, but a few years ago I ended the friendship because of her hateful views towards White people and interracial couples. She knows I am mixed and am therefore a product of these relationships, but that didn't stop her from expressing her racist views. So, finally, I had to end communication with her.
I agree with you that is hard to find anyone with whom you can have an open conversation. But at least we have this message board!
ashley smith <ashley717717@...> wrote:
I kind of like that our subject says (unknown), cuz I feel like that sometimes. Rosanna, I'm so sorry about the situation with this ex-friend. I hate when that happens cuz it really hurts worse when a friendship is developed, or seems to be and there is an attachment,, and then, like your example, something comes up in an area in which it is discovered that there is a very large gap that seems irreconcileable. I've actually had that happen with other types of friendships, like about spiritual values, and it goes similarly.
I think true friends can disagree, and, in a way I understand what your friend is saying. I look White, and in college I joined a group that was mostly black and about ethnic issues,, and I got stared at like a Martian too. But I understood that they were shocked that a White person would be interested. Same with a Spanish group, cuz most Latinos are dark and I'm obviously not Hispanic. So, unlike your friend, I was not put off but calmly stayed and explained the reason for my interest, and then was accepted.. partially,, but see,, they couldn't understand me really either and I never felt 'in'. I stuck it out through the semester, or for a time out of commitment, but then didn't go back. I did get respected though for being sincere in heart.
I do know very racist black people who do hate White people,, and that's the truth. I can tell the difference between black individuals, Indian individuals, and White individuals, so I have a hard time with some racist black negative people,, but I know that is not typical.
Through varous experiences,, I would rather be treated with an honest skepticism to overcome than a false friendliness. I understand the skepticism because I have it too!
Actually someone that I've known for a long time said something to me just the other day about what I do and my motives that showed me that this person really doesn't know me at all. I was hurt by what he said he thought I was doing and why. So today I got a little portfolio together and am about to send it. I think he was looking at me through his own frame of reference - he assumed that I have the same ambitions and motives that he and his circle have,, which is to get the most for the least.
Sometimes people can get along for current activities,, but for deeper world view it's not possible. There is a woman and I who belong to a group together and she gives me a ride there and back and we talk, and she is so conservative and we just have to be quiet now on the way so not to argue. When we are there and doing that activity it's fine but beyond that,, totally in two different worlds.
I have my own ideas about groups and books that are for one gender and/or subgroup only because I agree that it is exclusionary,, and when it is by a group and about exclusion and yet it is itself excluding,, it seems odd. Then, on the other hand,, some things are 'man talk' or 'female stuff'.
Well, I could go on and start about things like White people trying to write Indian histories,, and about Korean anthropologists explaining Polish world views and values more than just superficially.. but I'll stop here. :P
- awww - the stories you are telling me are bringing back hurtful memories of experiences I've had too.There are some kinds of relationships that White people get into patronistically and think they are doing so great in them. They are all smiles and kind, but treat us like children, as if just by being White they are automatically superior in intelligence and wisdom and thinking that they are going to use this superiority benevol. That gets to wear thin after awhile because there is no real respect there. As long as the non-white person goes along with it everything is fine but if the non-White person expects to be treated equally with the diverse views then there is conflict. One example of it is in a relationship where the White person is well-to-do and the non-White person is poor, even working poor,, and the White person patronizes by trying to help the poor non-White to 'assimilate' better, with the assumption that the poverty is because of poor capitalistic behavior ; when it comes out that the poor person prefers poverty to exploitation of stock markets or goods made in foreign sweat shops ; or developed farm land then there is a conflict because it makes the wealthier person feel kind of guilty and they don't like that! Just let them compete for wealth and come out on top and then give a token of 'charity' to the ones that came out poorly in the 'competition'. grrrrr don't get me started. Yeah, I know your ex-friend didn't want to be in the black gruop, and was just shocked that they didn't get all excited that great White Bwana paid them a condescending visit, by accident yet. btw I've also been patronized by Hispanics the same well intentioned way.And yet, in all of that, I'm reminded now of the poem The Desiderata. I have that on the wall right next to my frong door so I'll see it when I go out."Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.Max Ehrmann c.1920