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Re: [Generation-Mixed] Re: : The Chopsticks-Fork Principle

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  • Joseph Dung
    Hello Rosanna, and congratulations on your expecting a child. Hope the baby comes out healthy. Anyway on re-reading Cathy s writing, I kind of got the
    Message 1 of 11 , Jan 14, 2008
      Hello Rosanna, and congratulations on your expecting a child.
      Hope the baby comes out healthy.
      Anyway on re-reading Cathy's writing, I kind
      of got the impression there was a generational
      thing at play with the Chinese guy and his mom.
      It kind of reminds me of this other friend I know
      who being the first child of his parents automatically
      had a "family responsibilty" to marry from within the
      same ethnic group and he felt bad about it because he
      sincerely loved someone else from a different ethnic group
      but had to bow to his parent's wishes in the end.
      And we are talking about people who are of the
      same race but belonged to different ethnic groups
      After analyzing and studying people on different levels,
      I have come to find out that so many people are awed by
      their individual cultures and want to be seen as belonging
      to a particular group and trying to maintan some conformity.
      Even amongst the liberal of people, some do have hang-ups
      about who they are seen with or who they associate with.
      Even amongst multi-ethnic mono-racial societies many are driven by
      a sense of loyalty to the the idea of "perpetuating" their groups.
      Going back to the genetics issue, I have come to
      observe that there is a growing trend among some
      scholars to find a genetic explanation for everything,
      even subjective social issues that affect people.
      That to me is reminiscent of "eugenics" used as a
      political tool to keep certain people down. Funny,
      as that is gaining renewed favor in some quarters.
      I am a Christian and I am as open as one can be.
      I do my best to love like Christ loves. And that
      means loving all people regardless of their race.
      BUT I would very much question God Himself
      if I find even ONE bigoted person in heaven.

      Rosanna <rosanna_armendariz@...> wrote:
      Joseph, you're guess is as good as mine.
      Along these lines, I've come across people who say
      they want "cute little mixed babies," others who say
      they want "lightskinned babies w/good hair," and
      still others who want "cute little brown babies."
      These individuals search for a partner whom they
      think will give them offspring that look a certain way.
      But as we've established, how a person and their partner
      look doesn't guarantee very much when it comes to how their
      children will look (in terms of skin colr, hair texture, etc).
      I've always find this sort of concern grossly
      superficial and offensive, but now that I am pregnant
      w/my first child, I really find it ridiculous.
      Personally, I could care less what color my baby is.
      My only concern is that he/she is healthy.

      In Generation-Mixed@ yahoogroups. com,
      Joseph Dung <teyei1@...> wrote:

      Hmmm...Interesting. Every man to himself here I am sure.

      You are right about the issue of genetics being
      a crapshoot when determining the type offspring.
      Quite agree with you there, although for me it
      would be a waste of breath analyzing why people
      would try preselecting their offspring type.
      Need for Aesthetics?

      Rosanna <rosanna_armendariz @...> wrote:

      Yes, of course it is sometimes the case that there are
      more complex social and psychological factors at work when
      evaluating why a person has not met that special someone.
      However, I think in general, American society
      is overly concerned w/superficial factors, and
      this bleeds over into our search for a mate.

      For example, I've met many people who have
      "color requirements" for a potential partner,
      and would not consider marrying someone who is of
      a certain pigment or has a certain type of hair.
      Often this is b/c they have in their mind that
      they want their children to look a certain way.
      I find this absolutely ridiculous b/c genetics
      is a crapshoot, and marrying someone of a
      certain color does not guarantee anything
      about how your children will look.
      Some of these individuals no doubt end up very
      dissapointed when they have children that are
      too light or too dark for their tastes!

      In Generation-Mixed@ yahoogroups. com,
      Joseph Dung <teyei1@> wrote:

      Very interesting article and insights shared here.

      I wanted to comment a bit about Rosanna's
      point about the "lonely hearts" issue.

      I think it tends to be a little more complex
      than just aspiring for superficial ideals
      and characteristics in another person.
      I am almost 32 and has actually never had
      a girlfriend or been in a relationship
      even though I had really wanted to.

      For me I think a relationship is pretty much defined
      by how much the couple honestly communicates and
      share their minds, ideas, thoughts, goals,
      faith and so on in a very respectful manner.

      Finding someone with whom you can
      "really" communicate with is quite rare.
      To me it really does not matter what race
      that person is or any other superficial
      criteria that can be thrown out.

      Many times I end up thinking that unless
      some miracle happens I might actually
      end up living and dying single.


      Richard S <fc15027603@ > wrote:

      Preach it SiS! Amen!

      In Generation-Mixed@ yahoogroups. com,
      "Rosanna" <rosanna_armendariz @> wrote:

      Well, this is probably a little off-topic, but
      the thing that struck me most about this article
      is how the "half-half" guy immediately indicated
      that his date was not important or someone he would marry.
      In general, I think this is one of the major problems
      w/our society today, and a reason why there are so many
      "lonely hearts" is that people are way too quick to judge
      another as someone they wouldn't marry or take seriously.
      People tend to base this on superficial characteristics
      such as how much money a person makes, how they dress,
      what kind of car they drive, or their race/ethnicity.
      I'm constantly coming across people in their 30s and 40s
      who have never been married, but want to be, yet they
      complain they haven't found that "perfect person."
      There is no perfect person, just someone who may be right
      for you if you give them a chance and don't rule them out
      right away based on superficial characteristics.

      In Generation-Mixed@ yahoogroups. com,
      "cathybaobean" <cathy@> wrote:

      Cross-cultural Dating by Cathy Bao Bean, author of
      The Chopsticks-Fork Principle, A Memoir and Manual

      Not only are "women from Venus and men
      from Mars," but so are their parents.
      Add generational and Freudian complications and dating
      creates cross-cultural playgrounds and minefield.

      For example, when I spoke at the University of Rochester, a
      man of about forty years said, "I'm `half-half' like your son.
      Last week I brought my date home and my mother went
      ballistic because the date had blond hair and blue eyes.
      I don't understand – she's a Chinese who married a Caucasian.
      It makes no sense for her to get mad at
      me for going out with a non-Chinese. "

      Hoping to alert him about cross-cultural
      possibilities, I asked him, "Was the date an
      important one? Is she someone you might marry?"


      "So," I responded, "Why in the world would you use up
      your `credit' in the `blood bank' for no good reason?!
      Your mother doesn't want to know the `bad news'
      unless it's important because, as a `mother,'
      she's obliged to give you `good advice.'
      When you bring someone home, you force her to
      talk about it, even have a fight with you.
      Remember, Chinese "gods" don't read minds
      so it's traditional not to talk out
      loud about anything unpleasant.
      She doesn't want to give the "gods" or
      ancestors a bad impression about the family."

      "That's crazy – she's not religious."

      "Some Chinese actually worship the gods but
      the ones I know only behave as if they exist.
      It's more a matter of decorum or serious etiquette."

      "Yeah, but my father is White so it's not like the
      gods don't already know people get `mixed up' down here."

      "True but there's also the psychological impact of you wanting
      to be with someone who is the complete physical opposite
      to her ... even though Freud never made it to China,
      she just might take the implied rejection personally."

      He smiled, then went on, "Yeah, I guess so.
      But what if I do end up wanting to marry a Caucasian?"

      "Time is on your side.
      The longer you wait to give her grandchildren, the less
      she's going to care that they don't look like her."

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