GRAPJAS Maandag 7 Februarie 2000
Welkom by die 149 ste aflewering van GRAPJAS, ons eie Afrikaanse
Lag_'n_dag. The jokes will be in English some days and Afrikaans the
next day, of sommer 'n mix. Die Grapjas tuisblad is terug op die web.
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Voor ons by vandag se laggies kom, hier is 'n paar wenke wat werk!
(As jy nog goeie wenke het, stuur dit gerus aan grapjas@...
Wil u bespaar? Moenie u ou telefoongids weggooi nie. Dit maak die
ideale adresboekie. Trek net 'n streep deur die name en adresse
van mense wat jy nie ken nie, en siedaar, jou eie persoonlike adresboek!
Die uitstekende wenk van ookmaarlekkerstupid@...
Hier's 'n wenk as 'n persoon verstik aan 'n ysblokkie. Bly kalm en gooi
'n beker kookwater in sy keel af. Dit sal die ysblokkie onmiddellik smelt
en siedaar, jy het 'n lewe gered!
Die goeie advies kom van drvandierolgeskraap@...
Volgende week nog handige wenke.
Vandag se laggies:
1. 'n Hele lawwe hoesery.
2. Bid vir my!
3. A survival guide for visitors to South Africa.
4. 3 Wyse manne (Nog 'n engelse een)
Koos kom by die dokter se spreekkamer in vir 'n opvolg besoek.
"Hoe is die hoes vandag, Koos?"
"Baie beter dankie dokter, ek het heelnag geoefen!"
Kleinkoos was 'n klein derduiwel en het kliphard kommentaar
gelewer gedurende die kerkdiens, tot die skaamte van sy
arme ouers. Mooipraat en dreig wou nie help nie, en die res
van die gemeente het hulle koppe geskud en afkeurend na
die ouers gekyk.
Die pa kon later die skande nie meer verduur nie, gryp Kleinkoos
onder die arm en marsjeer die gangetjie af, kerk uit. So half met die
paadjie af, loer Kleinkoos so onder sy pa se arm uit en skreeu
benoud "BID VIR MY! BID VIR MY!!!"
A survival guide for visitors to South Africa.
What is a braai? It is the first thing you will be invited to when
you visit South Africa. A braai is a backyard barbecue and it
will take place whatever the weather. So you will have to go
even if it's raining like mad and hang of a cold. At a braai you
will be introduced to a substance known as mealiepap. Read
further for an explanation of "pap".
Now that you know what a braai is, here are some other
words and phrases you will encounter in South Africa, used
by folk of all persuasions, genders and ethnic adherences.
You do need to know what they mean. Really.
Ag. This is one of the most useful South African words.
Pronounced like the "ach" in the German "achtung", it can be
used to start a reply when you are asked a tricky question, as
in: "Ag, I don't know". Or a sense of resignation: "Ag, I'll have
some more pap then". It can stand alone too as a signal of
irritation or of pleasure.
Biltong. Similar to jerky, it is dried, salted meat and can be
made from beef, ostrich, antelope or anything that was once
alive and fairly large. It is usual for expatriate South Africans
to say: "What I really miss is my biltong, man".
Bioscope. Pronounced "byscope", its use is going out of
fashion and in some urban areas, regrettably, it is being
replaced by "movies" and"flicks".Sometimes it is reduced to
"bio" or "scopes". But you may still be asked if you would
like to go to the byscope.
Blooming. Pronounced "blimming", it is roughly equivalent to
"helluva", as in: "Ag, that pap I had at the braai made me
blooming sick". For emphasis, "blooming" can be replaced by
"bladdy" which, in turn, is a corruption of the Australian
Dirtbin. Self-explanatory, this is a garbage can. It is also
called a "rubbish bin". If you refer to rubbish as "garbage" you
will be considered blooming pretentious.
Doll. A term of affection between males and females, it is
used mostly in the Johannesburg area. A corrupted form of
"darling", it will be heard thus: "Your turn to take out the
dirtbin, Doll". "But I took it out the last time, Doll". "Well take
the bladdy thing out again, Doll".
Eina. Widely used by all language groups, this word, derived
from the Afrikaans, means "ouch". Pronounced "aynah", you
can shout it out in sympathy when someone burns his finger
on a hot potato at a braai.
Fixed up. This means "good". An example is this exchange:
"You don't have to take the dirtbin out, Doll; I took it already".
"Fixed up, Doll".
Isit? This is a great word in conversations. Derived from the
two words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing
to contribute if someone tells you at the braai: "The Russians
will succeed in their bid for capitalism once they adopt a work
ethic and respect for private ownership". It is appropriate to
respond by saying: "Isit?"
Just now. Universally used, it means "eventually" and
sometimes "never". If someone says he will do something
"just now" it could be in 10 minutes or tomorrow. Or maybe
he won't do it at all. In other words, sometime between now
Lekker. An Afrikaans word meaning nice, this word is used
by all language groups to express approval. If you see
somene of the opposite sex who is good-looking, you can
exclaim: "Lekkerrr!" while drawing out the last syllable. But
that use is now thought politically incorrect in some areas.
Marmite. Contrary to American disinformation, Marmite is not
discarded axle grease. Bought in small glass jars at
supermarkets and cafes, Marmite is a salty vegetable extract
and is the S.A. answer to peanut butter (American), or
Vegimite (Australian). Generations have grown up with it on
their school sarmies and, in turn, have inflicted it on their own
children. This process has been going on for so long now,
Marmite has become unstoppable.
No. This word has many meanings in South Africa other than
the opposite of "yes". Your host at the braai is likely to say:
"No, I see your plate is empty. You want some more pap?".
Another example; if the clerk in a shoe shop asks if she can
help, you may reply: "No, I'm looking for some tackies".
This means: "Yes, I'm looking for some tackies".
Tackies. These are sneakers or running shoes. The word is
also used to describe autmobile or truck tyres. "Fat tackies"
are big tyres, as in: "Where did you get those lekker fat
tackies on your Volksie (VW), hey?"
Oke. A "guy" or "chap" or "bloke". If you quite like someone
you can "Ag, he is an OK oke". Instead of "oke" you can
also say "ou" which is pronounced "Oh".
Pap. Encountered at braais, pap is boiled corn meal.
Pronounced "pup" it has the appearance, consistency and,
many say, the taste of moist Plaster of Paris. Lots of South
Africans pretend to like it. Eating pap is character building in
the sense that one learns to grin and bear adversity, rather
like Americans in the South have grown spiritually by
consuming grits. In religious context, this process is called
Shame. Like "No", this word can mean the opposite of its
meaning in other parts of the world. If someone shows you a
baby, you can say: "Ag, shame". This does not mean the
baby is ugly, it means the baby is cute. If the baby is ugly, it
is more accurate to say: "Shame, hey". If the baby is truly
hideous, it is appropriate to say: "Jislaaik". This may not be
appreciated by the baby's parents.
Dummy. If you find yourself in the company of a couple with a
baby and the woman says, "pass me the dummy," she is not
necessarily asking that you bring her husband to her. She is
referring to the rubber, nipple-like thing they stick in babies'
mouths to shut them up. A dummy is a pacifier.
Gogga. This is an insect, a bug, and all three of the g's are
pronounced as though you are about to spit. South Africa is
rich in goggas, some of them cute - like the harmless mantis
and the intriguing stick insect - but others are disgraceful.
The cockroach is the most disgraceful, especially when they
fly. Natal has some monsters which could challenge Florida
roaches any day.
In its early days, the country's state-run TV service earned the
enmity of viewers by scheduling a documentary on
cockroaches at a time when millions of South Africans were
sitting down in front of their sets with their Sunday evening
meals on their laps. A highlight was how to dissect a
cockroach. It did not go down well with the Sunday lunch
leftovers. A dissected cockroach is even more disgraceful
than a whole one.
Guava. Everybody knows that a guava is a fruit - and a bladdy
lekker one too. It is especially nice stewed and served cold
with smooth custard, as lots of boarding school students will
affirm. Guava juice is refreshing at breakfast. But in South
Africa a guava is also a backside, a butt, a bum. If someone
is behaving in an annoying manner, you can threaten to "skop
(kick) him up his guava". But it is inappropriate and politically
incorrect to issue this warning to someone who is not a good
friend. It will be taken amiss. Also, it is not polite to laugh if
the Cape Doctor (strong south-easter which blows in Cape
Town) bowls a stranger over on to his or her guava.
Make A Plan. You will hear this good old South African
phrase quite a lot. It means things might be screwed right
now but we'll think of something just now. If you miss the bus
to the airport, the hotel receptionist may say,"Don't worry man
- we'll make a plan". If that plan includes the hiring of a taxi,
you may want to think twice about it.
Skop, Skiet en Donder. Literally "kick, shoot and thunder" in
Afrikaans, this phrase is used by many English speakers to
describe action movies or any activity which is lively and
somewhat primitive. Clint Eastwood is always good for a
skop, skiet en donder flick.
Vrot. A wonderful word which means "rotten" or "putrid" in
Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe
anything they really don't like. Most commonly it describes
fruit or vegetables whose shelf lives have long expired, but a
pair of takkies (sneakers) worn a few times too often can be
termed vrot by unfortunate folk in the same room as the
wearer. Also a rugby player who misses important tackles
can be said to have played a vrot game - but not to his face
because he won't appreciate it. We once saw a movie review
with this headline: "Slick Flick, Vrot Plot". We enjoyed the
headline more than the movie.
Missing from the list: Ja-nee, man; siestog!
Ontvang vanaf Dianne
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant
- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left
alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five
minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came
over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
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Ek het 'n Pienk Passap breimasjien te koop vir R700.
Dit is in perfekte werkende toestand maar aangesien dit
8 jaar gestoor was vandat dit laas gebruik was, sal dit
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Cheers, weg is ek tot volgende week! Hou die blink kant bo!
F-R-E-E: Were hot dogs ever made of dogs?
How do astronauts use the bathroom in space?
What's so French about French fries?
For the answer to these and other curious questions,
go to http://go.MailBits.com/trivia.asp?1094.4