Malachi 3:13

“Your words have been arrogant against Me,” says the LORD. “Yet you say, ‘What have we spoken against You?’"

This scripture comes from a passage where God is rebuking those who have said things against Him and yet seemingly denied it, either feigning ignorance (or actually being ignorant, though the context suggests the former -- they knew what they were doing but still did it anyway).

While reading through Scripture this morning, I felt God convicting my heart through Malachi 3.  This past week I had to seriously consider how much I wanted to continue serving at my church, and this passage brought the point home even more.

When I'm at church I do my best to excel at serving God, but the last time I helped out at our Midweek Wednesday service I didn't do that.  I was getting upset at people and wasn't building the relationships that I should have been doing.  A few days later, when I received an email about sound check procedures (I help out in sound), I had to seriously consider my motives.

Why was I serving?  Was I really giving my entire service to God?  Was I doing my devotions daily, like I was supposed to?

Ouch, especially on that last one.  No, I wasn't doing my devotions.  In fact, this entry is the first I've done in over a month, and the entry I did before this remains incomplete.  Strike one.

Was I giving my entire service to God?  After my behavior the last time I served, I had to answer no.  Strike two.

Finally, why was I serving?  I enjoyed serving as a sound engineer, where I could do live mixing using equipment that most people never get the chance to do.  But when I served in other positions, I wasn't doing it with joy because it wasn't what I really wanted to be doing.  If I am truly serving God, I should do it with joy no matter what position I'm serving in.  Strike three.

Now with the passage above, I had to seriously wonder if I was only paying lip service to God, if I was actually badmouthing Him (with or without realizing it).  I'm not perfect, but to adapt a quote from an old MASH episode, "lately I've been feeling a lot less perfect than I'd like to be."

The more I serve, the better I should be getting, no?  Then why isn't it happening?

The more I question my motives, the more I wonder if I should be pulling back from serving.  Perhaps I need time to work on getting my relationship right with God first.  Then I can go back to serving, and I won't be so focused on getting the task at hand done as with putting God first.  Maybe it's time for a break.

Dear Father, thank You for this lesson.  I pray that You help scrub my motives and help me to make a wise decision on serving.  Help me to focus on restrengthening my relationship with You above all else, because otherwise I'm no better than those you rebuke in the passage about being arrogant against You.  As we pray in church, help me to become the person You want me to be, not the person I want to become.  In Your name I pray.  Amen.